Thursday, December 29, 2005

Pinching does it!

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "Pinch my nipples, Pinch my nipples, Pinch my nipples!!!!!!"

The befuddled clerk runs away to get the store manager in front a growing crowd of customers. The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "Pinch my nipples, Pinch my nipples, Pinch my nipples!!!!" And doing so draws and even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says, "Because, I like to have my nipples pinched when I'm being screwed!!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.

Old Timer

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, blue and yellow.

The old man just stared and stared. Every time the young man looked over, the old man was staring. Finally the young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son.”

Designed to Save

India Ho!


Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and Notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind.

You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm a married man !

Broken furniture $85.26

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Red Rose bud $3.00

Two Aspirins $0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time: Priceless…

Mother Superior

A nun is with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see as the squirrel was running an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away."

"Did you swear THEN?" asks the Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped six inches from the hole." The two nuns are silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighs and says, "You missed the f*****g putt, didn't you?"


A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a pub in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her -- the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

Three Roses

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vagina lips reduced because they were flapping in the breeze.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this
all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.”

Little Old Lady

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-ld-dildoes h-here?"

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"

"Well, yes maam, we do. We have several that size."

Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of t-them v-v-vibra-a-ate?"

"Yes ma'am, one of them does."

"W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

Monday, December 26, 2005


I went to the US Patent Office yesterday trying to register some of my inventions.

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.

She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

A Fottle", I replied.

What else do you have?"

A folding carton."

What do you call it?"

A Farton."

She snickered and said,

"Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without telling her about my folding bucket.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

24 Hours to go..

Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Doreen agreed and again they made love.

Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

Toast of the Night

Dean Pattison hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Chantel, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

Dean said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, Dean!" Chantel said.

The next day, Chantel ran into one of Dean's drinking buddies on the street corner. Neal chuckled leeringly and said, "Dean won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Chantel."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."


There is a factory in America which makes Tickle-me-Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the factory and she reports for her first day at 0800.

The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Managers door.

The foreman of the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant and rave about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor and they are really piled up.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle-me-Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a small piece of fabric wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.

"I'm sorry", he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions i gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two 'test tickles'."

The Blind Man

On a really hot day, four nuns were assigned to paint a room in their church. After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, they decided to take off all their clothes and paint naked.

An hour later, someone knocked on the door of the church. "Who is it?" they called out.

"I'm the blind man," came the reply.

The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them. They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting. They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.

"Okay, sisters," he said, "Where do you want the blinds?"

Child Benefit

A woman goes to the welfare to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the social worker?

"10" replies the woman.

"10???" says the social worker... "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the woman, " its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YOUR DINNER'S READY! or WAAYNE, GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed social worker.
"Ag, that's easy... I just use their surnames!"

Top Signs About Your Teacher

The Top 9 Signs Your Sex Ed Teacher Has Never Had Sex

9> "The dirty, sinful, nasty thing" isn't a term from the textbook.

8> His advice for avoiding teen pregnancy? "If you see a stork, run!"

7> She goes to Anne Rice conventions, her dream is to touch Fabio's pectorals, and she has more cats than names in her address book.

6> Refers to all sex organs as "the hoo-ha."

5> "But we're not birds or bees, so we don't do that... that... thing!"

4> Keeps trying to plug film projector into wrong end of extension cord.

3> She tends to say "theoretically" and "according to researchers" a lot in her lectures.

2> All the diagrams she uses seem to have been torn from the owner's manual of a 1974 Volkswagen Beetle.

And the Number 1 Sign Your Sex Ed Teacher Has Never Had Sex...

1> "Now this is a picture of the male genit-- OH DEAR GOD!"

Sperm Bank

Viagra Coffee

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

Chicken Mystery

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.”

Monday, December 19, 2005

Customs Check

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.

She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: “Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?”

“Of course my child, what can I do for you?”

“Here is the problem. I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?”

“Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie.”

“You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions”, and she gave him the hair remover.

The air craft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?

“From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son”, he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, “And from the sash down, what do you have?”

The priest replied, “I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used.”

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said “Go ahead Father”.

Hollywood Squares

From the original Hollywood Squares show. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. (Paul Lynde): If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. (Charley Weaver): Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea a can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. (George Gobel): Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. (Don Knotts): That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. (Rose Marie): No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish, as you get older?
A. (Charley Weaver): My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. (Vincent Price): No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. (George Gobel): I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. (Rose Marie): You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. (Paul Lynde): Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. (Charley Weaver): Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. (Rose Marie): Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. (Paul Lynde): Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. (Rose Marie): Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. (Marty Allen): Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. (Paul Lynde): Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. (Paul Lynde): Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. (Charley Weaver): It got me out of the army.

Q While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. (George Gobel): Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. (Paul Lynde): Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. (George Gobel): Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. (Paul Lynde): Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. (Charley Weaver): I'll lend him the car; the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. (Charley Weaver): His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. (Paul Lynde): Point and Laugh.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Too Much..

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husband's constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."

On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.

Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, “Baby, I didn't' realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry. I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.


P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs."

A Small Problem

Fred went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if
you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest organ the doctor has ever seen. It couldn't have been more than the size of a peanut. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry Fred," said the doctor.

"I really am....I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't  happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Understanding Engineers

Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George, say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

"The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons.
Civil Engineers build targets.

Take Five

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Take Six

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."


Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office.

Take Seven

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Look before you...

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.
She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.

When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

Thursday, December 15, 2005


The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.  So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!"

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Sledging Unlimited

These are the true incidents that happened on the ground:

McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan:
"So what does Brian Lara's d*ck taste like?"
Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife."
McGrath (losing it): "If you ever effing mention my wife again, I'll
effing rip your effing throat out."

Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne:
As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it all eating," Cullinan retorted.

Merv Hughes & Viv Richards:
During a test match in the West Indies, hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman:
"In my culture we just say f**k *ff.".

And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which was
picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney... "You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c**t!!!"

Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player to the crease playing & missing the first ball.
Mark - "Ohh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were shit then, you're fcuking useless now".
Parore- (Turningaround) "Yeah, that's me & when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly slut & now I hear you've married her. You dumb ****".

Glenn McGrath & Eddo Brandes
McGrath was bowling to the Zimbabwe number 11 - who was unable to get his bat anywhere near the ball. McGrath, frustrated that Brandes was still at the crease, wandered up during one particular over and inquired: "Why are you so fat?" Quick as a flash, Brandes replied: "Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit." Even the Aussie slip fielders were in hysterics.

Merv Hughes & Robin Smith
Smith played and missed while facing Hughes in the 1989 Lord's Test between England and Australia. Hughes, never short of a word or two, told the Hampshire star: "You can't f***ing bat, mate." Smith then smashed the next ball to the boundary and replied: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. "I can't f***ing bat and you can't f***ing bowl."

Merv Hughes again!!
Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad in the 1991 Adelaide Test against Pakistan. Hughes was less than impressed when Javed called him a "fat bus conductor" as the pair squared up to one another. A few balls later, Hughes got his man and as Javed walked past, could not resist shouting "Tickets, please!"

Oye...this involves Steve Waugh and Parthiv Patel.....Steve Waugh...Last Test...comes up to bat...
Parthiv-"So this is your last us some of that famous sledging of yours."
Steve-"Respect Me...For when i made my test debut You were still in your nappies"

Greg Thomas was bowling to Viv Richards in a county game. Viv missed a superb out swinger, and Thomas said "It's red, round and weighs about 5 1/2 ounces." Next ball Viv hits Greg Thomas out of the ground for a 6 and replies,"Greg, you know what it looks like. Go ahead and find it!"

Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip, and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly.
"I should've kept my legs together, Fred". The reply is classic Trueman, "Not you, son. Your mother should've!"

A classic from the master of sledging, Ian Healy: Ben Hollioake had just made his debut, hitting Glenn McGrath in the process. On his way back after finally being dismissed, Shane Warne cried: 'Hey, Ben' Hollioake turned round expecting a pat on the back. Instead Healy came in from behind and said: 'Get back to the nets, you idiot.'

This is the one and only Javed Miandad vs Dilip Doshi...Javed bhai at the crease, doshi bowling...the players' hotel was quite near the stadium...
Javed: "Arre Doshi apna room number to bataa" ...nothing from ball, Javed asks again...still nothing when the over ends..."Arre ab to over khatam ho gaya, ab to bataa de" Doshi finally relents.."216" (or watever) "Agle over mein ball wahin maaroonga"

Another one, Ravi Shastri v/s the aussie 12th man (don't remember who, and don't want to slander anyone ) Shastri hits it to this guy and looks for a single...this guy gets the ball in and says "If you leave the crease i'll break your f***ing head"
Shastri: "If you could bat as well as you can talk you wouldn't be the f***ing 12th man."

Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend,

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!



Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!


Dear Sarah,

You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?



Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.


Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the baby sitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's going to give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.



Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.


Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.



Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.


Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in
the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.



Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend,

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing cocktail waitress's butts while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.


Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?


Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.



Dear Santa,

I really, really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?



That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but it doesn't work with me.
You're getting a sweater again.



Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our house?



First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting beat up at school. Second, you don't live in a house; you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Memo to All Employees - Company Christmas Party

RE: Christmas PARTY ON DEC. 23RD

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party — the days are so short this time of year — or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.

Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party

I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the %#&^!@ do I care...I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address now and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! > HA !

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!


FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Four Animals

The topic of discussion in the class was life’s goals.

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

The Man Code

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat.

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts.  You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man.  In fact, even remembering a friend’s birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty.  Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.  Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line.  In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.