Monday, January 28, 2008

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Monday, January 21, 2008

The Message

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, Running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, I need for you to give him a message," she continued. Running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth & allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

The Gambler

Michael was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found his wife Sandra in the arms of another man.

He started to yell at the interloper, "What right have you got to be making love to my wife?"

The man answered calmly, "You may as well know that I am in love with Sandra and I would like to marry her. I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her.... Okay?"

"Okay," replied Michael, "but just to make it a little more interesting, why don't we play for a dollar a point?"

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

My husband Jim...

When the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to
express Praise for answered prayers, a lady stood and walked to the

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Jim had a
terrible bike wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was
excruciating, and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

Then she continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every
move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a
delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed
remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they
imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

"Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his
scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if
any one else had anything to say.

A man rose, walked to the podium, and said, "I'm Jim, and I want to tell
my wife - once again - the word is STERNUM, NOT scrotum."

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8:
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to - 20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. l didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think was very cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white sh*t fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to p**s. By the time I got undressed, p**sed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the a$$hole is lying.
December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!?! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

A Week at the Gym

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary, 
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Carlo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Carlo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with curly hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Carlo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Carlo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Carlo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Carlo's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Carlo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Carlo put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Carlo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other s #! t too.
THURSDAY: Carlo was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Carlo took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent another skinny b #@! h to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that Carlo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little bastard. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Carlo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the DAMN barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY: Carlo left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Rachel (the little s #! t) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!