If you think that the Cobra is the most venomous snake in the world then you are mistaken... The following snake has been found to be the most venomous:
NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying from pink to black.
Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 1-3 feet)
* Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & subspecies.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal.
Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks any how.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.
SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM:
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 15-20 minutes.
CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Anger Management
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Andrew. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an Asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an Asshole!"
It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said,
"Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company.I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an Asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window so, I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial),
I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.
I called Asshole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me!," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.
NOW, I feel better.......
A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Andrew. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an Asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an Asshole!"
It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said,
"Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company.I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an Asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window so, I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial),
I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.
I called Asshole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me!," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.
NOW, I feel better.......
Friday, January 06, 2006
Secret Code
After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he emailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he emailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
The Golfer and the Frog
A golfer, playing a strange course for the first time, was teeing up on the first hole. He took out a 3-wood and addressed the ball. Suddenly, a voice to his right said, "No, take a club extra!"
He looks around and sees a small frog sat at the side of the tee. "Was that you?" he asked the frog. The frog nods and repeats his instruction, "Take a club extra."
The golfer shrugs, takes out a 2-wood and takes a cracking shot straight down the centre of the fairway, landing on the green. He turns to the frog and says, "Cheers mate! Do you know this course well? Do you want a lift?" The frog nods and so the golfer picks it up and places it on the top of his golf cart.
All the way round, the frog gives him instructions as to the course layout and club selection to the point that, after 18 holes, he has had three holes-in-one and ends up smashing the course record.
In the car park afterwards when the golfer has put away his clubs, he turns to the frog and says, "Thanks mate. You've helped me to produce the best performance of my life, smash the course record, get three holes-in-one and win £2000 as a result! If there's anything you want, just name it! Anything at all!"
The frog cocks its head and aswers, "I've never been to a casino before." "Okay," replies the golfer, and he takes the frog into town and to a casino. He walks in the door with the frog on his shoulder and asks it what it would like to do.
"Roulette," croaks the frog and the golfer goes over and cashes his money into chips. He sits at the table and says to the frog, "What do you fancy?"
Once again, the frog cocks its head and croaks "Everything on 22 black."
"Everything?" repeats the golfer.
"Yep, everything." repeats the frog. The golfer places the bet and it comes up, winning them a further £500k.
All night long, the frog is giving him tips and he finishes the night breaking the bank and a multi millionnaire. Once again, he thanks the frog for a wonderful time and asks it if there's anything else it wants.
"Book the pent-house suite at the Grand." croaks the frog.
The golfer smiles at this."Great idea. I'm knackered!" Once booked in, the golfer takes the frog up to the pent-house and asks if there's anything else it would like.
"Place me on the bed and kiss me!" answers the frog.
Thinking that this is the least he can do after such a successful venture, the golfer obliges and the frog instantly turns into a beautiful sixteen year old girl, perfectly proportioned, lying naked on the bed! She gazes up into the golfer's amazed face, puts her arms around him and whispers, "Make love to me darling."
And that, Your Honor, is the motion for the Defense!
He looks around and sees a small frog sat at the side of the tee. "Was that you?" he asked the frog. The frog nods and repeats his instruction, "Take a club extra."
The golfer shrugs, takes out a 2-wood and takes a cracking shot straight down the centre of the fairway, landing on the green. He turns to the frog and says, "Cheers mate! Do you know this course well? Do you want a lift?" The frog nods and so the golfer picks it up and places it on the top of his golf cart.
All the way round, the frog gives him instructions as to the course layout and club selection to the point that, after 18 holes, he has had three holes-in-one and ends up smashing the course record.
In the car park afterwards when the golfer has put away his clubs, he turns to the frog and says, "Thanks mate. You've helped me to produce the best performance of my life, smash the course record, get three holes-in-one and win £2000 as a result! If there's anything you want, just name it! Anything at all!"
The frog cocks its head and aswers, "I've never been to a casino before." "Okay," replies the golfer, and he takes the frog into town and to a casino. He walks in the door with the frog on his shoulder and asks it what it would like to do.
"Roulette," croaks the frog and the golfer goes over and cashes his money into chips. He sits at the table and says to the frog, "What do you fancy?"
Once again, the frog cocks its head and croaks "Everything on 22 black."
"Everything?" repeats the golfer.
"Yep, everything." repeats the frog. The golfer places the bet and it comes up, winning them a further £500k.
All night long, the frog is giving him tips and he finishes the night breaking the bank and a multi millionnaire. Once again, he thanks the frog for a wonderful time and asks it if there's anything else it wants.
"Book the pent-house suite at the Grand." croaks the frog.
The golfer smiles at this."Great idea. I'm knackered!" Once booked in, the golfer takes the frog up to the pent-house and asks if there's anything else it would like.
"Place me on the bed and kiss me!" answers the frog.
Thinking that this is the least he can do after such a successful venture, the golfer obliges and the frog instantly turns into a beautiful sixteen year old girl, perfectly proportioned, lying naked on the bed! She gazes up into the golfer's amazed face, puts her arms around him and whispers, "Make love to me darling."
And that, Your Honor, is the motion for the Defense!
Unquotable Quotes
- "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his plane." Author Unknown.
- "It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers.
- "If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield.
- "Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy." Steve Martin.
- "My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of fifteen'." Emo Philips.
- "My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects." Les Dawson.
- "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." Woody Allen.
- "My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." Woody Allen.
- "I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." Woody Allen.
- "There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." Unknown.
- "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Emo Philips.
- "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Steven Seagal.
- "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams.
- "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" Marilyn Pittman.
- "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Harrods comes out with a ride-on vacuum cleaner." Roseanne.
- "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." Johnny Carson.
- "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." Paul Rodriguez.
- "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." Jerry Seinfeld.
- "Bigamy is having one wife or husband too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde.
- "Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children". A Mom.
Calling Bill
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she is in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this has happened to her.
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming, "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming, "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
Some things in life are certain
The Madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick looking, well-dressed, just past middle-age gentleman.
"Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want to see Natalie," the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
"No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills.
The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and an hour later, he left.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia.”
"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a family who lives there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
Moral: Some things in life are certain: taxes, death, and being screwed by a lawyer.
"Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want to see Natalie," the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
"No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills.
The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and an hour later, he left.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia.”
"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a family who lives there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
Moral: Some things in life are certain: taxes, death, and being screwed by a lawyer.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Little Johnny
The naughty, Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.
His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "
“But Dad, it was not my fault.We were all in church saying our prayers.We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out.That`s when she hit me!"
"Johnny," the father said. "You don`t do those kind of things to women."
The very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny`s father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad," Johnny said, "It was not my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers.We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt.Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn`t like this, so I pushed it back in!"
His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "
“But Dad, it was not my fault.We were all in church saying our prayers.We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out.That`s when she hit me!"
"Johnny," the father said. "You don`t do those kind of things to women."
The very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny`s father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad," Johnny said, "It was not my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers.We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt.Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn`t like this, so I pushed it back in!"
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
A Medical Problem
An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"
Change the Oil
He was 80, she was 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl.
After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said: "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?"
Again he said, "You've got the keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said, "Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man!"
He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running.”
The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."
After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said: "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?"
Again he said, "You've got the keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said, "Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man!"
He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running.”
The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."
Great Liar
A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. She asks, "Where the heck have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You Filthy Liar!! You went bowling again!!"
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. She asks, "Where the heck have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You Filthy Liar!! You went bowling again!!"
Watch Your Hands
One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home.
As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood. With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"
Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on!
There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way, it's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you ...”
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she said,
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours....
TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL!!"
As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood. With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"
Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on!
There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way, it's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you ...”
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she said,
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours....
TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL!!"
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Pinching does it!
A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "Pinch my nipples, Pinch my nipples, Pinch my nipples!!!!!!"
The befuddled clerk runs away to get the store manager in front a growing crowd of customers. The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"
She explains the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "Pinch my nipples, Pinch my nipples, Pinch my nipples!!!!" And doing so draws and even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says, "Because, I like to have my nipples pinched when I'm being screwed!!"
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.
Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "Pinch my nipples, Pinch my nipples, Pinch my nipples!!!!!!"
The befuddled clerk runs away to get the store manager in front a growing crowd of customers. The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"
She explains the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "Pinch my nipples, Pinch my nipples, Pinch my nipples!!!!" And doing so draws and even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says, "Because, I like to have my nipples pinched when I'm being screwed!!"
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.
Old Timer
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared and stared. Every time the young man looked over, the old man was staring. Finally the young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son.”
The old man just stared and stared. Every time the young man looked over, the old man was staring. Finally the young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son.”
Priceless
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and Notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind.
You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm a married man !
Broken furniture $85.26
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Red Rose bud $3.00
Two Aspirins $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: Priceless…
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and Notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind.
You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm a married man !
Broken furniture $85.26
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Red Rose bud $3.00
Two Aspirins $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: Priceless…
Mother Superior
A nun is with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see as the squirrel was running an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away."
"Did you swear THEN?" asks the Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped six inches from the hole." The two nuns are silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighs and says, "You missed the f*****g putt, didn't you?"
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see as the squirrel was running an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away."
"Did you swear THEN?" asks the Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped six inches from the hole." The two nuns are silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighs and says, "You missed the f*****g putt, didn't you?"
Ballerina
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a pub in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her -- the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her -- the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Three Roses
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vagina lips reduced because they were flapping in the breeze.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this
all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.”
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this
all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.”
Little Old Lady
A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-ld-dildoes h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"
"Well, yes maam, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of t-them v-v-vibra-a-ate?"
"Yes ma'am, one of them does."
"W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"
"Well, yes maam, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of t-them v-v-vibra-a-ate?"
"Yes ma'am, one of them does."
"W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"
Monday, December 26, 2005
Inventions
I went to the US Patent Office yesterday trying to register some of my inventions.
I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.
She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"
A Fottle", I replied.
What else do you have?"
A folding carton."
What do you call it?"
A Farton."
She snickered and said,
"Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without telling her about my folding bucket.
I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.
She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"
A Fottle", I replied.
What else do you have?"
A folding carton."
What do you call it?"
A Farton."
She snickered and said,
"Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without telling her about my folding bucket.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
24 Hours to go..
Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Doreen agreed and again they made love.
Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Doreen agreed and again they made love.
Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
Toast of the Night
Dean Pattison hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Chantel, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
Dean said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, Dean!" Chantel said.
The next day, Chantel ran into one of Dean's drinking buddies on the street corner. Neal chuckled leeringly and said, "Dean won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Chantel."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Chantel, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
Dean said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, Dean!" Chantel said.
The next day, Chantel ran into one of Dean's drinking buddies on the street corner. Neal chuckled leeringly and said, "Dean won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Chantel."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Tickle-me-Elmo
There is a factory in America which makes Tickle-me-Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the factory and she reports for her first day at 0800.
The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Managers door.
The foreman of the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant and rave about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor and they are really piled up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle-me-Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a small piece of fabric wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry", he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions i gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two 'test tickles'."
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the factory and she reports for her first day at 0800.
The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Managers door.
The foreman of the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant and rave about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor and they are really piled up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle-me-Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a small piece of fabric wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry", he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions i gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two 'test tickles'."
The Blind Man
On a really hot day, four nuns were assigned to paint a room in their church. After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, they decided to take off all their clothes and paint naked.
An hour later, someone knocked on the door of the church. "Who is it?" they called out.
"I'm the blind man," came the reply.
The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them. They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting. They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.
"Okay, sisters," he said, "Where do you want the blinds?"
An hour later, someone knocked on the door of the church. "Who is it?" they called out.
"I'm the blind man," came the reply.
The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them. They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting. They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.
"Okay, sisters," he said, "Where do you want the blinds?"
Child Benefit
A woman goes to the welfare to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the social worker?
"10" replies the woman.
"10???" says the social worker... "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the woman, " its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YOUR DINNER'S READY! or WAAYNE, GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed social worker.
"Ag, that's easy... I just use their surnames!"
"How many children?" asks the social worker?
"10" replies the woman.
"10???" says the social worker... "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the woman, " its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YOUR DINNER'S READY! or WAAYNE, GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed social worker.
"Ag, that's easy... I just use their surnames!"
Top Signs About Your Teacher
The Top 9 Signs Your Sex Ed Teacher Has Never Had Sex
9> "The dirty, sinful, nasty thing" isn't a term from the textbook.
8> His advice for avoiding teen pregnancy? "If you see a stork, run!"
7> She goes to Anne Rice conventions, her dream is to touch Fabio's pectorals, and she has more cats than names in her address book.
6> Refers to all sex organs as "the hoo-ha."
5> "But we're not birds or bees, so we don't do that... that... thing!"
4> Keeps trying to plug film projector into wrong end of extension cord.
3> She tends to say "theoretically" and "according to researchers" a lot in her lectures.
2> All the diagrams she uses seem to have been torn from the owner's manual of a 1974 Volkswagen Beetle.
And the Number 1 Sign Your Sex Ed Teacher Has Never Had Sex...
1> "Now this is a picture of the male genit-- OH DEAR GOD!"
9> "The dirty, sinful, nasty thing" isn't a term from the textbook.
8> His advice for avoiding teen pregnancy? "If you see a stork, run!"
7> She goes to Anne Rice conventions, her dream is to touch Fabio's pectorals, and she has more cats than names in her address book.
6> Refers to all sex organs as "the hoo-ha."
5> "But we're not birds or bees, so we don't do that... that... thing!"
4> Keeps trying to plug film projector into wrong end of extension cord.
3> She tends to say "theoretically" and "according to researchers" a lot in her lectures.
2> All the diagrams she uses seem to have been torn from the owner's manual of a 1974 Volkswagen Beetle.
And the Number 1 Sign Your Sex Ed Teacher Has Never Had Sex...
1> "Now this is a picture of the male genit-- OH DEAR GOD!"
Viagra Coffee
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
Chicken Mystery
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.”
The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.”
Monday, December 19, 2005
Customs Check
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: “Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?”
“Of course my child, what can I do for you?”
“Here is the problem. I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?”
“Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie.”
“You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions”, and she gave him the hair remover.
The air craft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?
“From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son”, he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, “And from the sash down, what do you have?”
The priest replied, “I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used.”
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said “Go ahead Father”.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: “Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?”
“Of course my child, what can I do for you?”
“Here is the problem. I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?”
“Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie.”
“You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions”, and she gave him the hair remover.
The air craft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?
“From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son”, he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, “And from the sash down, what do you have?”
The priest replied, “I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used.”
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said “Go ahead Father”.
Hollywood Squares
From the original Hollywood Squares show. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. (Paul Lynde): If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. (Charley Weaver): Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea a can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. (George Gobel): Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. (Don Knotts): That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. (Rose Marie): No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish, as you get older?
A. (Charley Weaver): My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. (Vincent Price): No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. (George Gobel): I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. (Rose Marie): You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. (Paul Lynde): Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. (Charley Weaver): Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. (Rose Marie): Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. (Paul Lynde): Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. (Rose Marie): Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. (Marty Allen): Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. (Paul Lynde): Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. (Paul Lynde): Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. (Charley Weaver): It got me out of the army.
Q While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. (George Gobel): Cattle crossing.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. (Paul Lynde): Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. (George Gobel): Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. (Paul Lynde): Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. (Charley Weaver): I'll lend him the car; the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. (Charley Weaver): His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. (Paul Lynde): Point and Laugh.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. (Paul Lynde): If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. (Charley Weaver): Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea a can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. (George Gobel): Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. (Don Knotts): That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. (Rose Marie): No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish, as you get older?
A. (Charley Weaver): My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. (Vincent Price): No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. (George Gobel): I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. (Rose Marie): You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. (Paul Lynde): Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. (Charley Weaver): Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. (Rose Marie): Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. (Paul Lynde): Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. (Rose Marie): Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. (Marty Allen): Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. (Paul Lynde): Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. (Paul Lynde): Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. (Charley Weaver): It got me out of the army.
Q While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. (George Gobel): Cattle crossing.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. (Paul Lynde): Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. (George Gobel): Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. (Paul Lynde): Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. (Charley Weaver): I'll lend him the car; the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. (Charley Weaver): His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. (Paul Lynde): Point and Laugh.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Too Much..
A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husband's constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.
While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."
On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.
Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, “Baby, I didn't' realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry. I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.
1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TOMORROW
P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs."
While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."
On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.
Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, “Baby, I didn't' realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry. I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.
1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TOMORROW
P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs."
A Small Problem
Fred went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if
you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest organ the doctor has ever seen. It couldn't have been more than the size of a peanut. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry Fred," said the doctor.
"I really am....I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest organ the doctor has ever seen. It couldn't have been more than the size of a peanut. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry Fred," said the doctor.
"I really am....I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
Friday, December 16, 2005
Understanding Engineers
Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George, say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
"The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons.
Civil Engineers build targets.
Take Five
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Take Six
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office.
Take Seven
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George, say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
"The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons.
Civil Engineers build targets.
Take Five
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Take Six
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office.
Take Seven
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Look before you...
Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.
She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."
She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.
When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!
She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."
She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.
When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Newlyweds
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!"
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Sledging Unlimited
These are the true incidents that happened on the ground:
McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan:
"So what does Brian Lara's d*ck taste like?"
Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife."
McGrath (losing it): "If you ever effing mention my wife again, I'll
effing rip your effing throat out."
Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne:
As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it all eating," Cullinan retorted.
Merv Hughes & Viv Richards:
During a test match in the West Indies, hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman:
"In my culture we just say f**k *ff.".
And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which was
picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney... "You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c**t!!!"
Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player to the crease playing & missing the first ball.
Mark - "Ohh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were shit then, you're fcuking useless now".
Parore- (Turningaround) "Yeah, that's me & when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly slut & now I hear you've married her. You dumb ****".
Glenn McGrath & Eddo Brandes
McGrath was bowling to the Zimbabwe number 11 - who was unable to get his bat anywhere near the ball. McGrath, frustrated that Brandes was still at the crease, wandered up during one particular over and inquired: "Why are you so fat?" Quick as a flash, Brandes replied: "Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit." Even the Aussie slip fielders were in hysterics.
Merv Hughes & Robin Smith
Smith played and missed while facing Hughes in the 1989 Lord's Test between England and Australia. Hughes, never short of a word or two, told the Hampshire star: "You can't f***ing bat, mate." Smith then smashed the next ball to the boundary and replied: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. "I can't f***ing bat and you can't f***ing bowl."
Merv Hughes again!!
Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad in the 1991 Adelaide Test against Pakistan. Hughes was less than impressed when Javed called him a "fat bus conductor" as the pair squared up to one another. A few balls later, Hughes got his man and as Javed walked past, could not resist shouting "Tickets, please!"
Oye...this involves Steve Waugh and Parthiv Patel.....Steve Waugh...Last Test...comes up to bat...
Parthiv-"So this is your last test...show us some of that famous sledging of yours."
Steve-"Respect Me...For when i made my test debut You were still in your nappies"
Greg Thomas was bowling to Viv Richards in a county game. Viv missed a superb out swinger, and Thomas said "It's red, round and weighs about 5 1/2 ounces." Next ball Viv hits Greg Thomas out of the ground for a 6 and replies,"Greg, you know what it looks like. Go ahead and find it!"
Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip, and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly.
"I should've kept my legs together, Fred". The reply is classic Trueman, "Not you, son. Your mother should've!"
A classic from the master of sledging, Ian Healy: Ben Hollioake had just made his debut, hitting Glenn McGrath in the process. On his way back after finally being dismissed, Shane Warne cried: 'Hey, Ben' Hollioake turned round expecting a pat on the back. Instead Healy came in from behind and said: 'Get back to the nets, you idiot.'
This is the one and only Javed Miandad vs Dilip Doshi...Javed bhai at the crease, doshi bowling...the players' hotel was quite near the stadium...
Javed: "Arre Doshi apna room number to bataa" ...nothing from Doshi...next ball, Javed asks again...still nothing when the over ends..."Arre ab to over khatam ho gaya, ab to bataa de" Doshi finally relents.."216" (or watever) "Agle over mein ball wahin maaroonga"
Another one, Ravi Shastri v/s the aussie 12th man (don't remember who, and don't want to slander anyone ) Shastri hits it to this guy and looks for a single...this guy gets the ball in and says "If you leave the crease i'll break your f***ing head"
Shastri: "If you could bat as well as you can talk you wouldn't be the f***ing 12th man."
McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan:
"So what does Brian Lara's d*ck taste like?"
Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife."
McGrath (losing it): "If you ever effing mention my wife again, I'll
effing rip your effing throat out."
Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne:
As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it all eating," Cullinan retorted.
Merv Hughes & Viv Richards:
During a test match in the West Indies, hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman:
"In my culture we just say f**k *ff.".
And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which was
picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney... "You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c**t!!!"
Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player to the crease playing & missing the first ball.
Mark - "Ohh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were shit then, you're fcuking useless now".
Parore- (Turningaround) "Yeah, that's me & when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly slut & now I hear you've married her. You dumb ****".
Glenn McGrath & Eddo Brandes
McGrath was bowling to the Zimbabwe number 11 - who was unable to get his bat anywhere near the ball. McGrath, frustrated that Brandes was still at the crease, wandered up during one particular over and inquired: "Why are you so fat?" Quick as a flash, Brandes replied: "Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit." Even the Aussie slip fielders were in hysterics.
Merv Hughes & Robin Smith
Smith played and missed while facing Hughes in the 1989 Lord's Test between England and Australia. Hughes, never short of a word or two, told the Hampshire star: "You can't f***ing bat, mate." Smith then smashed the next ball to the boundary and replied: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. "I can't f***ing bat and you can't f***ing bowl."
Merv Hughes again!!
Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad in the 1991 Adelaide Test against Pakistan. Hughes was less than impressed when Javed called him a "fat bus conductor" as the pair squared up to one another. A few balls later, Hughes got his man and as Javed walked past, could not resist shouting "Tickets, please!"
Oye...this involves Steve Waugh and Parthiv Patel.....Steve Waugh...Last Test...comes up to bat...
Parthiv-"So this is your last test...show us some of that famous sledging of yours."
Steve-"Respect Me...For when i made my test debut You were still in your nappies"
Greg Thomas was bowling to Viv Richards in a county game. Viv missed a superb out swinger, and Thomas said "It's red, round and weighs about 5 1/2 ounces." Next ball Viv hits Greg Thomas out of the ground for a 6 and replies,"Greg, you know what it looks like. Go ahead and find it!"
Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip, and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly.
"I should've kept my legs together, Fred". The reply is classic Trueman, "Not you, son. Your mother should've!"
A classic from the master of sledging, Ian Healy: Ben Hollioake had just made his debut, hitting Glenn McGrath in the process. On his way back after finally being dismissed, Shane Warne cried: 'Hey, Ben' Hollioake turned round expecting a pat on the back. Instead Healy came in from behind and said: 'Get back to the nets, you idiot.'
This is the one and only Javed Miandad vs Dilip Doshi...Javed bhai at the crease, doshi bowling...the players' hotel was quite near the stadium...
Javed: "Arre Doshi apna room number to bataa" ...nothing from Doshi...next ball, Javed asks again...still nothing when the over ends..."Arre ab to over khatam ho gaya, ab to bataa de" Doshi finally relents.."216" (or watever) "Agle over mein ball wahin maaroonga"
Another one, Ravi Shastri v/s the aussie 12th man (don't remember who, and don't want to slander anyone ) Shastri hits it to this guy and looks for a single...this guy gets the ball in and says "If you leave the crease i'll break your f***ing head"
Shastri: "If you could bat as well as you can talk you wouldn't be the f***ing 12th man."
Letters to Santa
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
***********************************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
***********************************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the baby sitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's going to give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
***********************************************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
***********************************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in
the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
***********************************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing cocktail waitress's butts while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
*********************************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
***********************************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really, really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but it doesn't work with me.
You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
*********************************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our house?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting beat up at school. Second, you don't live in a house; you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
***********************************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
***********************************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the baby sitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's going to give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
***********************************************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
***********************************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in
the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
***********************************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing cocktail waitress's butts while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
*********************************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
***********************************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really, really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but it doesn't work with me.
You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
*********************************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our house?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting beat up at school. Second, you don't live in a house; you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Memo to All Employees - Company Christmas Party
MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES
RE: Christmas PARTY ON DEC. 23RD
DATE: DEC. 1ST
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party — the days are so short this time of year — or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?
Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.
Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party
I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the %#&^!@ do I care...I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address now and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! > HA !
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
RE: Christmas PARTY ON DEC. 23RD
DATE: DEC. 1ST
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party — the days are so short this time of year — or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?
Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.
Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party
I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the %#&^!@ do I care...I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address now and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! > HA !
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Four Animals
The topic of discussion in the class was life’s goals.
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
The Man Code
1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat.
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend’s birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.
27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend’s birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.
27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Bumper Stickers
Constipated People Don't Give A crap.
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting - - - Will They Quit Stealing?
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me - - I'm Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep) - If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
Boldly Going Nowhere.
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
Grow Your Own Dope --- Plant A Man.
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
Politicians & Diapers Both Need To Be Changed - - - - And For The Same Reason.
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting - - - Will They Quit Stealing?
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me - - I'm Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep) - If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
Boldly Going Nowhere.
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
Grow Your Own Dope --- Plant A Man.
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
Politicians & Diapers Both Need To Be Changed - - - - And For The Same Reason.
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Clever Teacher
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Friday, November 11, 2005
Protection
Manpreet Singh of the Merchant Navy, fresh from his training on safety at sea was on his first trip to New York. He went to a bar and ordered a drink.
A few minutes later, a beautiful blonde sat down next to him and started coming on to him. Soon she invited him back to her place. Overcome with excitement, Preet agreed and accompanied the blonde in her car with his bag.
When they got to the bedroom, Preet exclaimed, "Wow! A waterbed, I've never had sex on a waterbed before."
Soon they were both naked and were about to go at it. The blonde stopped him and said, "Before we go any further, don't you think you should put on some protection?"
"Good idea, Honey" he said. He got up, walked out of the room to get his bag and came back wearing a bright orange life jacket.
A few minutes later, a beautiful blonde sat down next to him and started coming on to him. Soon she invited him back to her place. Overcome with excitement, Preet agreed and accompanied the blonde in her car with his bag.
When they got to the bedroom, Preet exclaimed, "Wow! A waterbed, I've never had sex on a waterbed before."
Soon they were both naked and were about to go at it. The blonde stopped him and said, "Before we go any further, don't you think you should put on some protection?"
"Good idea, Honey" he said. He got up, walked out of the room to get his bag and came back wearing a bright orange life jacket.
Little Johnny in Church
One bright Sunday morning Cindy and Mark took their eight year old son, Johnny, to church. They sat right in the front so Johnny could get all the benefits from church. But as we know eight year old boys do not like church at all, especially little Johnny. Halfway through the pastor's sermon Johnny fell asleep. The pastor noticed this, and it was distracting him from preaching. He decided to go over to Johnny and ask him a question about God.
"Son, do you know who created all the heavens and earth?"
His mother, Cindy, who did not want to be embarrassed by her son falling asleep, stuck a pin in her son's right butt cheek.
"GOD!!!!” cried little Johnny.
"Very good," the pastor replied. For he could not say it was wrong. And he continued on. But a short while later, Johnny fell asleep again. The pastor once again noticed this and decided to ask another question,
"Who was Mary and Joseph's son?" The pastor asked.
Johnny's dad, Mark, did not want to be embarrassed either, so he stuck a pin in his son's left butt cheek.
"JESUS CHRIST!!!!” yelled Johnny.
And once again the pastor replied "Very good."
Near the end of the church service, Johnny could not control himself and fell asleep again. For the last time, the pastor decided to embarrass him and ask a very hard question.
"What did Eve say to Adam on the morning when they woke up on the first day?"
But before Johnny's parents could do anything Johnny shouted,
"IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'M GOING TO TAKE IT AND BREAK IT IN HALF!"
"Son, do you know who created all the heavens and earth?"
His mother, Cindy, who did not want to be embarrassed by her son falling asleep, stuck a pin in her son's right butt cheek.
"GOD!!!!” cried little Johnny.
"Very good," the pastor replied. For he could not say it was wrong. And he continued on. But a short while later, Johnny fell asleep again. The pastor once again noticed this and decided to ask another question,
"Who was Mary and Joseph's son?" The pastor asked.
Johnny's dad, Mark, did not want to be embarrassed either, so he stuck a pin in his son's left butt cheek.
"JESUS CHRIST!!!!” yelled Johnny.
And once again the pastor replied "Very good."
Near the end of the church service, Johnny could not control himself and fell asleep again. For the last time, the pastor decided to embarrass him and ask a very hard question.
"What did Eve say to Adam on the morning when they woke up on the first day?"
But before Johnny's parents could do anything Johnny shouted,
"IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'M GOING TO TAKE IT AND BREAK IT IN HALF!"
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
The New Gym in Town
This guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 pounds on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 pounds. They strip him and lead him into this huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with a sign saying "If you can catch me, you can fuck me."
He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management, leads him to the showers, and then weighs him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 pounds.
He's back on the street and starts to think. "Jesus, I was _that_ close to catching her. If I had a little more time...." So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 10 pounds this time."
"No problem," says the manager. Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time he's walking toward the door when it opens and out comes a beautiful redhead, stark naked, with a sign saying "If you can catch me, you can fuck me." He starts running again, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym again, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management, this time they have to help him to the showers, and then they weigh him again. Sure enough, he lost exactly 10 pounds.
After a bit of rest and time to think about it, he's sure he could catch the girl with just a little more. So the next day he goes in and says he wants to lose the full 20 pounds.
The manager asks if he's sure about that and the man says he's positive. The manager shrugs his shoulders and leads him back to the gym. This time the man is standing right next to the door when it opens and out comes a gorilla with a sign saying "If I catch you, I fuck you."
He lost his 20 pounds!
He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management, leads him to the showers, and then weighs him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 pounds.
He's back on the street and starts to think. "Jesus, I was _that_ close to catching her. If I had a little more time...." So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 10 pounds this time."
"No problem," says the manager. Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time he's walking toward the door when it opens and out comes a beautiful redhead, stark naked, with a sign saying "If you can catch me, you can fuck me." He starts running again, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym again, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management, this time they have to help him to the showers, and then they weigh him again. Sure enough, he lost exactly 10 pounds.
After a bit of rest and time to think about it, he's sure he could catch the girl with just a little more. So the next day he goes in and says he wants to lose the full 20 pounds.
The manager asks if he's sure about that and the man says he's positive. The manager shrugs his shoulders and leads him back to the gym. This time the man is standing right next to the door when it opens and out comes a gorilla with a sign saying "If I catch you, I fuck you."
He lost his 20 pounds!
Rules of Inhouse Golf
(1) Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
(2) Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
(3) Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
(4) For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
(5) Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
(6) The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
(7) It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
(8) Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
(9) Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along just in case.
(10) Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing, what they consider to be a private course.
(11) Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
(12) Players are advised to obtain the owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
(13) Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
(14) It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
(15) The course owner will be sole judge of who is the best player.
(16) Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
(2) Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
(3) Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
(4) For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
(5) Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
(6) The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
(7) It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
(8) Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
(9) Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along just in case.
(10) Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing, what they consider to be a private course.
(11) Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
(12) Players are advised to obtain the owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
(13) Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
(14) It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
(15) The course owner will be sole judge of who is the best player.
(16) Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
Seven Degrees of Blonde
First Degree
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
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Second Degree
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
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Third Degree
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, andas she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:
Fourth Degree
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
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Fifth Degree
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
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Sixth Degree
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"
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Seventh Degree
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman."
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:
And another one…
Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh, Marie," she said to her maid - a blonde, "I believe my husband is having an affair with his secretary."
"I don't believe it," snapped Marie. "You're just saying that to make me jealous."
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:
Second Degree
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:
Third Degree
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, andas she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:
Fourth Degree
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:
Fifth Degree
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:
Sixth Degree
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:
Seventh Degree
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman."
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:
And another one…
Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh, Marie," she said to her maid - a blonde, "I believe my husband is having an affair with his secretary."
"I don't believe it," snapped Marie. "You're just saying that to make me jealous."
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Working the High Beams
Two construction workers are working the high beams. One is on the third floor, one on the first.
The guy on the third floor needs a handsaw, but with all the noise from the construction, the guy on the first can't hear him. He yells and yells, but the guy on the first floor can't hear him.
So the guy on the third floor decides to use hand signals. He points to his eye for "I", he points to his knee for "need," thenmoves his hands back and forth for "handsaw."
The guy on the first floor drops his pants and starts masturbating.
The guy on the third floor gets mad and runs down to the first floor and says, "What the hell are you doing! All I wanted was a handsaw!"
The guy on the first floor says, "Yeah, I just wanted to tell you I was coming."
The guy on the third floor needs a handsaw, but with all the noise from the construction, the guy on the first can't hear him. He yells and yells, but the guy on the first floor can't hear him.
So the guy on the third floor decides to use hand signals. He points to his eye for "I", he points to his knee for "need," thenmoves his hands back and forth for "handsaw."
The guy on the first floor drops his pants and starts masturbating.
The guy on the third floor gets mad and runs down to the first floor and says, "What the hell are you doing! All I wanted was a handsaw!"
The guy on the first floor says, "Yeah, I just wanted to tell you I was coming."
Golf of a Different Kind
That's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women. So Smith went to see Jones and asked him if he would teach him how to play.
Jones said, "Sure, you've got balls haven't you?"
Smith said, "Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they're kinda hard to find."
"Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow," Jones said, "and we will tee off."
"What's tee off," Smith asked?
Jones said, "It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."
"Not for me," Smith said, "you can tee off if you want to but I'll tee off out behind the barn, somewhere".
"No, no," Jones said, "a tee is a fine thing about the size of your little finger."
"Yeah, I've got one of those."
"Well," Jones said, "you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it."
Smith asked, "Do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around."
"You do," Jones said, "you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."
Well, Smith thought that was stretching things a little too far, and he said so!
Jones said, "You've got a bag, haven't you?"
"Sure," Smith said.
Jones said, "Your balls are in it, aren't they?"
"Of course," Smith told him.
"Well," Jones said, "can't you open the bag and take one out?"
Smith said, "I suppose I could, but damned if I'm going to."
Jones asked if he didn't have a zipper on his bag, but Smith told him no, he's the old fashioned type.
Then Jones asked if Smith knew how to hold his club. "Well," Smith said, "after fifty years I should have some sort of idea."
Jones said, "You take your club in both hands." Smith knew right then Jones didn't know what he was talking about. Then he said, "You swing it over your shoulder."
"No, no," Smith said, "that's not me, that's my brother you're thinking about."
Jones asked him, "How do you hold your club?" And before Smith thought he said, "In two fingers." Jones said that wasn't right and got behind him and put both arms around him and told him to bend over and he would show him how. He couldn't catch Smith there, because he didn't put four years in the Navy for nothing.
Jones said, "You hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar."
Smith said he could well imagine.
Then Jones said, "And when you're on the green"
"What's the green," Smith asked.
"That's where the hole is," Jones said, "surely you're not color blind."
"No," Smith said,
"Then you take your putter"--
"What's the putter," Smith asked.
"That's the smallest club made," Jones said.
"That's what I've got, a putter," Smith said.
"And with it," Jones said, "you put your ball in the hole."
Smith corrected, "You mean the putter?"
Jones said, "The ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter too."
"Well," Smith said, "I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon."
"Then," Jones said, "after you make the first hole, you go to the next seventeen."
Smith thought he wasn't thinking about him. After two holes he's shot to hell.
"You mean," Jones said, "you can't make eighteen holes in one day?"
"Hell no, it takes me eighteen days to make one hole, besides, how do I know when I'm in the eighteenth hole?" Smith asked.
Jones said the flag would go up.
Smith said - THAT WOULD BE JUST MY LUCK!
Jones said, "Sure, you've got balls haven't you?"
Smith said, "Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they're kinda hard to find."
"Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow," Jones said, "and we will tee off."
"What's tee off," Smith asked?
Jones said, "It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."
"Not for me," Smith said, "you can tee off if you want to but I'll tee off out behind the barn, somewhere".
"No, no," Jones said, "a tee is a fine thing about the size of your little finger."
"Yeah, I've got one of those."
"Well," Jones said, "you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it."
Smith asked, "Do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around."
"You do," Jones said, "you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."
Well, Smith thought that was stretching things a little too far, and he said so!
Jones said, "You've got a bag, haven't you?"
"Sure," Smith said.
Jones said, "Your balls are in it, aren't they?"
"Of course," Smith told him.
"Well," Jones said, "can't you open the bag and take one out?"
Smith said, "I suppose I could, but damned if I'm going to."
Jones asked if he didn't have a zipper on his bag, but Smith told him no, he's the old fashioned type.
Then Jones asked if Smith knew how to hold his club. "Well," Smith said, "after fifty years I should have some sort of idea."
Jones said, "You take your club in both hands." Smith knew right then Jones didn't know what he was talking about. Then he said, "You swing it over your shoulder."
"No, no," Smith said, "that's not me, that's my brother you're thinking about."
Jones asked him, "How do you hold your club?" And before Smith thought he said, "In two fingers." Jones said that wasn't right and got behind him and put both arms around him and told him to bend over and he would show him how. He couldn't catch Smith there, because he didn't put four years in the Navy for nothing.
Jones said, "You hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar."
Smith said he could well imagine.
Then Jones said, "And when you're on the green"
"What's the green," Smith asked.
"That's where the hole is," Jones said, "surely you're not color blind."
"No," Smith said,
"Then you take your putter"--
"What's the putter," Smith asked.
"That's the smallest club made," Jones said.
"That's what I've got, a putter," Smith said.
"And with it," Jones said, "you put your ball in the hole."
Smith corrected, "You mean the putter?"
Jones said, "The ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter too."
"Well," Smith said, "I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon."
"Then," Jones said, "after you make the first hole, you go to the next seventeen."
Smith thought he wasn't thinking about him. After two holes he's shot to hell.
"You mean," Jones said, "you can't make eighteen holes in one day?"
"Hell no, it takes me eighteen days to make one hole, besides, how do I know when I'm in the eighteenth hole?" Smith asked.
Jones said the flag would go up.
Smith said - THAT WOULD BE JUST MY LUCK!
It Ain'T Easy Being A Dick!
I've got a head I can't think with..
An eye I can't see out of...
I have to hang around with two nuts all the time...
My closest neighbor is an asshole...
Worst of all, my owner beats me all the time...
And my best friend is a pussy!
And now because of aids, I have to wear this rubbber suit and throw up all over myself!!!
An eye I can't see out of...
I have to hang around with two nuts all the time...
My closest neighbor is an asshole...
Worst of all, my owner beats me all the time...
And my best friend is a pussy!
And now because of aids, I have to wear this rubbber suit and throw up all over myself!!!
A Day In The Beauty Shop
A beautician was blow drying her male customer's hair as he sat in the chair. As usual he was wearing one of those beauteous cloth capes that barbers and hair salons put on their customers to protect clothing.
Suddenly the lady noticed that the fabric of the guy's cape was "moving up and down over his lap area."
Outraged, she whacked the guy up-side the head with the blow dryer. She hit him so hard that he was knocked unconscious and fell off the chair. An ambulance was called and, still unconscious the guy was taken to the emergency room of the nearest hospital.
When he came to in the emergency room and was questioned by the physician he said, "I don't know what happened. The last thing I recall I was cleaning my glasses on the cloth cape..."
Suddenly the lady noticed that the fabric of the guy's cape was "moving up and down over his lap area."
Outraged, she whacked the guy up-side the head with the blow dryer. She hit him so hard that he was knocked unconscious and fell off the chair. An ambulance was called and, still unconscious the guy was taken to the emergency room of the nearest hospital.
When he came to in the emergency room and was questioned by the physician he said, "I don't know what happened. The last thing I recall I was cleaning my glasses on the cloth cape..."
Hell Freezes Over
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
Answer Submitted: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven. Thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
This student received the only 'A'.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
Answer Submitted: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven. Thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
This student received the only 'A'.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
The Halloween Party
A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. 'Don't let me spoil a good time for you,' she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.
After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, 'I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around.' She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched. There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them. She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside.
Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him. He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed. She sat up and asked 'Well, how was the party?'
He replied, 'It was no fun without you honey.'
She said, 'I don't believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!'
He replied, 'Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night.
But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time.'
After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, 'I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around.' She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched. There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them. She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside.
Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him. He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed. She sat up and asked 'Well, how was the party?'
He replied, 'It was no fun without you honey.'
She said, 'I don't believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!'
He replied, 'Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night.
But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time.'
Friday, October 28, 2005
Charged
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex and invested the money. As a result of her dutiful saving and investing, they had become wealthy beyond imagination. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but when he finally found his voice he blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would havegiven you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex and invested the money. As a result of her dutiful saving and investing, they had become wealthy beyond imagination. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but when he finally found his voice he blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would havegiven you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
Friday, October 21, 2005
The Nuns and the Parrot
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors. One day, they heard, "Yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "Black, black, black."
Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished. One of the nuns spoke up, "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." After saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. They peeked at the bird.
At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on. Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "Black, black, black."
Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished. One of the nuns spoke up, "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." After saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. They peeked at the bird.
At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on. Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"
The $50 Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet storeowner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad."
When her two teen age daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new girls, hi Keith."
"Why so little," she asked the pet storeowner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad."
When her two teen age daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new girls, hi Keith."
Real Fun
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!” he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"
And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
"Ten years!” he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"
And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
A Good Friend
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find!
Supportive!
Comfortable!
Always Lifts You Up!
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging!
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
Hard to Find!
Supportive!
Comfortable!
Always Lifts You Up!
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging!
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
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