Senior Moments

 

Greatest Comebacks

John Barrymore

 

After a long day of shooting a film in Hollywood, John Barrymore and some fellow actors stopped in at Lucey's, a popular watering hole near Paramount Studios. After one-too-many drinks, Barrymore excused himself to go to the bathroom. In his slightly inebriated condition, however, he inadvertently chose the ladies' room. As he was relieving himself, a woman entered and was shocked to see a man urinating into one of the toilets. "How dare you!" she exclaimed, "This is for ladies!" The actor turned toward the woman, organ in hand, and resonantly said in full actor's voice:

 

  "And so, madam, is this."

 

Truman Capote

 

Truman Capote was fond of regaling people with an anecdote about one of his finer moments. At the height of his popularity, he was drinking one evening with friends in a crowded Key West bar. Nearby sat a couple, both inebriated. The woman recognized Capote, walked over to his table, and gushingly asked him to autograph a paper napkin. The woman's husband, angry at his wife's display of interest in another man, staggered over to Capote's table and assumed an intimidating position directly in front of the diminutive writer. He then proceeded to unzip his trousers and, in Capote's own words, "hauled out his equipment." As he did this, he bellowed in a drunken slur, "Since you're autographing things, why don't you autograph this?" It was a tense moment, and a hush fell over the room. The silence was a blessing, for it allowed all those within earshot to hear Capote's soft, high-pitched voice deliver the perfect emasculating reply:

 

  "I don't know if I can autograph it, but perhaps I can initial it."

 

 

Winston Churchill

 

Nancy Astor was an American socialite who married into an English branch of the wealthy Astor family (she holds the distinction of being the first woman to be seated in Parliament). At a 1912 dinner party in Blenheim Palace—the Churchill family estate—Lady Astor became annoyed at an inebriated Winston Churchill, who was pontificating on some topic. Unable to take any more, she finally blurted out, "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee." Without missing a beat, Churchill replied:

 

  "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
 

 

Marc Connelly

 

When it comes to repartee, nobody did it better than the members of that legendary collection of wits known as The Algonquin Round Table. For many decades, a delightful story has been told about one member of the group, playwright Marc Connelly. One evening, Connelly was dining with friends when another member of the group snuck up from behind, placed his hands on top of Connelly's bald head, and said to the amusement of the other guests, "Marc, your head feels as smooth as my wife's ass." Without missing a beat, Connelly raised his hands to his head, began rubbing his own scalp, and with a wry smile, said:

 

  "So it does, so it does."

 
Edna Ferber

 

Edna Ferber worked for a number of years as a news reporter in the Midwest before moving to New York City in 1912. After her novel "So Big" won the Pulitzer Prize in 1926, she quickly followed up with the hit play "Show Boat" (so successful and financially remunerative, she called it her "oil well"). Ferber was fond of wearing tailored suits well before they became fashionable. One day, she arrived at the Algonquin Hotel wearing a suit that was very similar to one that the English actor Noël Coward was wearing. Ferber and Coward were friends (she once described him as her favorite theater companion) and Coward saw an opportunity to engage in a bit of playful badinage with one of his favorite people. Carefully looking her over, he observed, "Edna, you look almost like a man." Ferber looked Coward over in a similar manner and came back with a classic riposte:

 

  "So do you."

Great Deadlock situation...!!!

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad,

so make arrangement.

 

Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and

I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.

 

Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going

abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.

 

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving

private tution: I have work for a week, so you need

not come for class.

 

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a

week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets

spend the week together.

 

Grandpa(the 1st boss ;) ) make call to his secretary: This week I am

spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend

that meeting.

 

Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss

has some work, we cancelled our trip.

 

Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend

this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.

 

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving

private tution: This week we will have class as usual.

 

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my

teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I

can't give you company.

 

Grandpa(boss) make call to his secretary: Don't worry this

week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement.

Nurses

I had surgery on my jaw last year and I had my mouth wired shut. I knew
that while I was in the hospital, I wouldn't be able to talk so I
prepared a list of questions for the nurses :

When do I get my sponge bath?

What happened to the nice nurse?

What name did I use when I was admitted?

Can I take the blue pill next time?

Did the x-rays show anything unusual?

What if the swelling doesn't go down after 4 hours?

Do you know any stress-relief procedures?

Do you have any welding rods?

Will I be able to play the piano when I leave here?

Will you take a two-party check?

Did you get the license plate of the bus that hit me?

Is this going to hurt?

Can you make them stop ringing those bells?

Did they deliver my pizza yet?

Was it a boy or a girl?

Has the surgery affected my chances on Star Search?

Can I get a room that doesn't spin so much?

Can I get a room with a bigger tv?

Did they remove all of my tattoos?

When does the buffet open?

Do you come here often?

What year is it?

Are you a real nurse or a naughty nurse?

Do you want to see my tattoos?

Why am I here?

Have I been in the hospital before?

Is there another door out of here?

The food is : 1) very good 2) ok 3) worse than the school cafeteria.

I feel very : 1) good 2) ok 3) crappy.

Did they find the money?

Will I still be able to make my 8:00am tee time?

What is the in-flight movie?

Do I have to take my clothes off?

Can I take my clothes off?

I can do it.

I can't do it.

I didn't do it.

Are we in Kansas yet?

When does the buffet open?

Do you allow pets in here?

Will you kiss where it hurts?

Is this tap water?

Where exactly does that tube go?

Does this come in a different color?

What are my options?

Yes.

No.

Do I have to?

Do I get one of those fluffy robes?

Should I start now?

Can I stop now?

Can you heal a broken heart?

Has anyone recognized me yet?

That's against my religion.

1 to 3 4 to 6 7 to 9 10!

Will this put me in a different tax bracket?

May I speak with the Captain?

Do you have a boyfriend?

Where exactly are you going to put that tube?

Does this come in different flavors?

Did they get the bullet out?

Can I do that again?

Do they ever bring metal-detectors in here?

Could I get a room that is closer to the pool?

Would you like to hear me sing?

How many unicorns do you see?

Has my Probation Officer called?

Could you ask the valet to bring my car around?

Are you married?

Happily?

Is the bathroom tissue two-ply?

Have the photographers from The Enquirer arrived yet?

Does a full house beat a straight flush?

When does the cast come off?

Why I no longer ride my bike!

Frozen Moments

 

The Robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.  His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

 

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.  It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.  

 

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. 'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home', they asked?

 

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy. The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' 'What did you watch?' asked Marsha. 'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

 

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

 

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

 

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!' The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.

Diet Tuna

José Jalapeño on a Stick

Fire the Graphic Designer

 

Get Outta The Road

 

The Touch

Firefighter Joke of the day

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster".

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Friends Promo

My Mom said I could!

Fruit Flavored

Boys will be Boys

 

Doggy Style

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. “Does your wife ever do it doggy style?” asked the one. 

 

“Well… not exactly.” his friend replied, “She’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.”

“Oh, I see, so she’s kinky eh?” he asked curiously. 

 

“Well… not exactly… I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.”

The Wrong One

Man1: I'm going to remove my wife's underwear immediately after getting home...

 

Man2: (winking) You seem to be in quiet a mood today... what's the matter?

 

Man1: Oh nothing mate... while rushing to office in the morning I put on her panties instead of my underwear, and it's damn tight, that's why I have to remove it after getting home...

A picture is worth a thousand words....

A man's wife decides to go out with her friends on a girls night dancing. He's okay with it, because he gets to watch sports all night.

He hears her stumble into bed around 4am and he laughs knowing she's going to have a monster hangover. He wakes up next morning and goes outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night.

He sighs in relief because it's all in one piece.He then circles the car looking for dents and find none.

But then.... he finds this...

Drawing - Differently

 

How to spot a male snake

 

What the...

Physics Jokes

Q: What did one quantum physicist say when he wanted to fight another
quantum physicist?
A: Let me atom.

Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum,
and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

Q: What is the name of the first electricity detective?
A: Sherlock Ohms

Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop
asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No,
but I know where I am."

Q: What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
A: From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after
seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.

** Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to
get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a
chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction;
fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his
megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field,
next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.

Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve.
Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set
her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her
resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it
in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried
out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum
output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long
for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current
shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged - every
electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they
fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar
magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to
sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro
was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later,
they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.

Blondes Fight Back

Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?
It doesn't show the dirt.

Who makes all the bras for brunettes?
Fisher-Price

Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable

Why are most brunettes flat-chested?
It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts

Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache

Why is the color brunette considered evil?
When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch?

How can you tell a brunette is lonely?
Check her for a pulse

What is the most frustrated animal in the world?
A brunette rabbit

What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover?
"What part of 'yes' don't you understand ?"

Why did God create brunettes?
So ugly men wouldn't feel left out

What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation

Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant?
From their underarms

Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job?
Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch

How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?
Startled

What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?
A hostage

Guys will be guys

 

Menopause (or PMS) Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his
forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass.

The Hypnotist

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've   been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
 
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
 
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
 
"Well, that is wonderful."
 
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
 
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
 
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
 
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
 
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
 
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
 sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
 
His funeral services will be held on Saturday.

Two Nuns

There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical
(SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!
What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way.. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what
has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us
both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
than man with his pants down.

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a
woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper
may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the
next
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit t he building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor
the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and

Help With Housework.


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop- dead Gorgeous, Help
with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign
reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store

just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

The Dentist

 

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth."

Banned Commercial 2

Banned Commercials

The Spoon

 (A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.) 

 

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

 

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

 

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

 

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

 

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

 

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

 

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

 

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

 

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

 

By tying this string to the tip of our you know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

 

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'  

 
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon'.

Respectfully Cheating

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

The Cuccumber

Indecent Proposal

The Lizard

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can
you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she
inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she
informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'

I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.

It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.'

(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can
be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
but this boy is of her womb!)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen.

Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as
they come into maturity, like most male species, they um. . . um . . .
masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just. . . just . . ,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just. . .that. . .

I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little... ' She
gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay. 'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he
told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Oh btw, if you haven't realized it by now, Lizards lay eggs!

Why men don't write advice columns

Dear Bob:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn 't gone more than
a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to
a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad
passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been
married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out
that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her
rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our
house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately
began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free
when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any
clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair
for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but
ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly
distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk
___________________________________________________________________

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding
the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Bob

*** You see the problem? In all likelihood, that car has fuel injection,
not a carburetor.

The Nun in Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

How Wal-Mart Greeters Are Hired

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning. "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And, now you sir?", he asked the second man. "Hmmm...let me see. "A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. "Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of" The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh sure", said Old Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already crapped my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

The Missing Pole

The subtlety of the ad is stunning. The picture looks completely innocent until you notice the details - the missing pole!

Doing a Marlyn

ATM that men would love to go to!!

 

Lesson from Traffic Signals

 

Do Not Swallow Chewing Gum

 

Hillary Sticker

 

The Message

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

 

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, Running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, I need for you to give him a message," she continued. Running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth & allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

The Gambler

Michael was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found his wife Sandra in the arms of another man.

He started to yell at the interloper, "What right have you got to be making love to my wife?"

The man answered calmly, "You may as well know that I am in love with Sandra and I would like to marry her. I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her.... Okay?"

"Okay," replied Michael, "but just to make it a little more interesting, why don't we play for a dollar a point?"

My husband Jim...

When the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to
express Praise for answered prayers, a lady stood and walked to the
podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Jim had a
terrible bike wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was
excruciating, and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

Then she continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every
move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a
delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed
remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they
imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

"Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his
scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if
any one else had anything to say.

A man rose, walked to the podium, and said, "I'm Jim, and I want to tell
my wife - once again - the word is STERNUM, NOT scrotum."

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8:
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

 

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

 

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

 

December 14:
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to - 20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. l didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

 

December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

 

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think was very cruel.

 

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

 

December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

 

December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white sh*t fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to p**s. By the time I got undressed, p**sed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the a$$hole is lying.

 

December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!?! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

 

December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

 

December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

 

December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

 

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

 

December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

 

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

 

December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

 

December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

 

January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

A Week at the Gym

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

 

Dear Diary, 

 
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

 

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Carlo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

 

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Carlo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with curly hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Carlo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Carlo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

 

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Carlo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Carlo's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

 

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Carlo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Carlo put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Carlo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other s #! t too.

 

THURSDAY: Carlo was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Carlo took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent another skinny b #@! h to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

 

FRIDAY: I hate that Carlo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little bastard. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Carlo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the DAMN barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

 

SATURDAY: Carlo left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

 

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Rachel (the little s #! t) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Beer Opening Techniques 2

 

Beer Opening Techniques 1

 

Romantic Husband

 

Every monkey has its day,,,,,

Airplane Conversation

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon
realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have
it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked!,

"What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from
my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
exuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina
is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with
you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

True Herione's Diary

A Diary Entry of a True Heroine who saved 1600 lives.... Four times in a
single day. Read till end.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY ONE

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. The ship has 1600
passengers on it. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm
really excited.

DEAR DIARY .. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales
and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be.

I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffleboarding and
hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at
his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is
a very attractive and attentive gentleman.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino . did OK ... won about $80. The Captain
invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious
meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night
but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my
husband.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go
to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw
me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman.
He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He
told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the
ship. I was appalled.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX

I saved 1600 lives today . . .four times !!!!

Kissing - Facts and Benefits

It is a matter of record that Canadian porcupines kiss one another on the lips

The world's longest kiss took place on January 28, 2002. Louisa Almodovar and Rich Langly of New Jersey kissed for a record 30 hours, 59 minutes and 27 seconds on a segment of "Ricki Lake"

Matrimonial pollsters' studies prove that a man who kisses his wife good-bye when he leaves for work every morning averages a higher income than does the fellow who doesn't do that thing

In medieval Italy kisses weren't taken, or given, lightly. If a man and a woman were seen embracing in public they could be forced to marry!

Our brains have special neurons that help us locate each others lips in the dark

It is estimated that the average person will spend about 20,160 minutes kissing in their lifetime

You burn 26 calories in a 1 minute kiss

The first kiss ever shown in a movie was in 1896. The movie, was called The Kiss

Hershey's Kisses got their name because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt

50% of all people kiss before they turn 14. Kissing helps reduce tooth decay. Kissing increases the mouth's production of saliva, and saliva helps clean the mouth thus aides prevention of tooth decay

Pepsi Ad

Problem with the phone

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few
occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the
phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog
moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel
chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number
was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and
moaning.