Toons

 

Embarassing Medical Moments

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

 

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX .

 

 

 

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

 

Submitted by Dr. Richar d Byrnes, Seattle , WA

 

 

 

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

 

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

 

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

 

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

 

5.. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusio n she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

 

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

 

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

 

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

 

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that r ead, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

 

Submitted by RN no name

 

AND FINALLY!!!................
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener ".

Best short joke of the year

A  3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 

 
'Mom', he  asked, 'Are these my brains?'
 

'Not yet,' she replied.

Senior Moments

 

Greatest Comebacks

John Barrymore

 

After a long day of shooting a film in Hollywood, John Barrymore and some fellow actors stopped in at Lucey's, a popular watering hole near Paramount Studios. After one-too-many drinks, Barrymore excused himself to go to the bathroom. In his slightly inebriated condition, however, he inadvertently chose the ladies' room. As he was relieving himself, a woman entered and was shocked to see a man urinating into one of the toilets. "How dare you!" she exclaimed, "This is for ladies!" The actor turned toward the woman, organ in hand, and resonantly said in full actor's voice:

 

  "And so, madam, is this."

 

Truman Capote

 

Truman Capote was fond of regaling people with an anecdote about one of his finer moments. At the height of his popularity, he was drinking one evening with friends in a crowded Key West bar. Nearby sat a couple, both inebriated. The woman recognized Capote, walked over to his table, and gushingly asked him to autograph a paper napkin. The woman's husband, angry at his wife's display of interest in another man, staggered over to Capote's table and assumed an intimidating position directly in front of the diminutive writer. He then proceeded to unzip his trousers and, in Capote's own words, "hauled out his equipment." As he did this, he bellowed in a drunken slur, "Since you're autographing things, why don't you autograph this?" It was a tense moment, and a hush fell over the room. The silence was a blessing, for it allowed all those within earshot to hear Capote's soft, high-pitched voice deliver the perfect emasculating reply:

 

  "I don't know if I can autograph it, but perhaps I can initial it."

 

 

Winston Churchill

 

Nancy Astor was an American socialite who married into an English branch of the wealthy Astor family (she holds the distinction of being the first woman to be seated in Parliament). At a 1912 dinner party in Blenheim Palace—the Churchill family estate—Lady Astor became annoyed at an inebriated Winston Churchill, who was pontificating on some topic. Unable to take any more, she finally blurted out, "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee." Without missing a beat, Churchill replied:

 

  "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
 

 

Marc Connelly

 

When it comes to repartee, nobody did it better than the members of that legendary collection of wits known as The Algonquin Round Table. For many decades, a delightful story has been told about one member of the group, playwright Marc Connelly. One evening, Connelly was dining with friends when another member of the group snuck up from behind, placed his hands on top of Connelly's bald head, and said to the amusement of the other guests, "Marc, your head feels as smooth as my wife's ass." Without missing a beat, Connelly raised his hands to his head, began rubbing his own scalp, and with a wry smile, said:

 

  "So it does, so it does."

 
Edna Ferber

 

Edna Ferber worked for a number of years as a news reporter in the Midwest before moving to New York City in 1912. After her novel "So Big" won the Pulitzer Prize in 1926, she quickly followed up with the hit play "Show Boat" (so successful and financially remunerative, she called it her "oil well"). Ferber was fond of wearing tailored suits well before they became fashionable. One day, she arrived at the Algonquin Hotel wearing a suit that was very similar to one that the English actor Noël Coward was wearing. Ferber and Coward were friends (she once described him as her favorite theater companion) and Coward saw an opportunity to engage in a bit of playful badinage with one of his favorite people. Carefully looking her over, he observed, "Edna, you look almost like a man." Ferber looked Coward over in a similar manner and came back with a classic riposte:

 

  "So do you."

Great Deadlock situation...!!!

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad,

so make arrangement.

 

Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and

I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.

 

Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going

abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.

 

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving

private tution: I have work for a week, so you need

not come for class.

 

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a

week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets

spend the week together.

 

Grandpa(the 1st boss ;) ) make call to his secretary: This week I am

spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend

that meeting.

 

Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss

has some work, we cancelled our trip.

 

Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend

this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.

 

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving

private tution: This week we will have class as usual.

 

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my

teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I

can't give you company.

 

Grandpa(boss) make call to his secretary: Don't worry this

week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement.

Nurses

I had surgery on my jaw last year and I had my mouth wired shut. I knew
that while I was in the hospital, I wouldn't be able to talk so I
prepared a list of questions for the nurses :

When do I get my sponge bath?

What happened to the nice nurse?

What name did I use when I was admitted?

Can I take the blue pill next time?

Did the x-rays show anything unusual?

What if the swelling doesn't go down after 4 hours?

Do you know any stress-relief procedures?

Do you have any welding rods?

Will I be able to play the piano when I leave here?

Will you take a two-party check?

Did you get the license plate of the bus that hit me?

Is this going to hurt?

Can you make them stop ringing those bells?

Did they deliver my pizza yet?

Was it a boy or a girl?

Has the surgery affected my chances on Star Search?

Can I get a room that doesn't spin so much?

Can I get a room with a bigger tv?

Did they remove all of my tattoos?

When does the buffet open?

Do you come here often?

What year is it?

Are you a real nurse or a naughty nurse?

Do you want to see my tattoos?

Why am I here?

Have I been in the hospital before?

Is there another door out of here?

The food is : 1) very good 2) ok 3) worse than the school cafeteria.

I feel very : 1) good 2) ok 3) crappy.

Did they find the money?

Will I still be able to make my 8:00am tee time?

What is the in-flight movie?

Do I have to take my clothes off?

Can I take my clothes off?

I can do it.

I can't do it.

I didn't do it.

Are we in Kansas yet?

When does the buffet open?

Do you allow pets in here?

Will you kiss where it hurts?

Is this tap water?

Where exactly does that tube go?

Does this come in a different color?

What are my options?

Yes.

No.

Do I have to?

Do I get one of those fluffy robes?

Should I start now?

Can I stop now?

Can you heal a broken heart?

Has anyone recognized me yet?

That's against my religion.

1 to 3 4 to 6 7 to 9 10!

Will this put me in a different tax bracket?

May I speak with the Captain?

Do you have a boyfriend?

Where exactly are you going to put that tube?

Does this come in different flavors?

Did they get the bullet out?

Can I do that again?

Do they ever bring metal-detectors in here?

Could I get a room that is closer to the pool?

Would you like to hear me sing?

How many unicorns do you see?

Has my Probation Officer called?

Could you ask the valet to bring my car around?

Are you married?

Happily?

Is the bathroom tissue two-ply?

Have the photographers from The Enquirer arrived yet?

Does a full house beat a straight flush?

When does the cast come off?

Why I no longer ride my bike!

Frozen Moments

 

The Robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.  His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

 

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.  It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.  

 

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. 'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home', they asked?

 

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy. The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' 'What did you watch?' asked Marsha. 'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

 

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

 

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

 

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!' The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.

Diet Tuna

José Jalapeño on a Stick

Fire the Graphic Designer

 

Get Outta The Road

 

The Touch

Firefighter Joke of the day

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster".

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Friends Promo

My Mom said I could!

Fruit Flavored

Boys will be Boys

 

Doggy Style

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. “Does your wife ever do it doggy style?” asked the one. 

 

“Well… not exactly.” his friend replied, “She’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.”

“Oh, I see, so she’s kinky eh?” he asked curiously. 

 

“Well… not exactly… I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.”

The Wrong One

Man1: I'm going to remove my wife's underwear immediately after getting home...

 

Man2: (winking) You seem to be in quiet a mood today... what's the matter?

 

Man1: Oh nothing mate... while rushing to office in the morning I put on her panties instead of my underwear, and it's damn tight, that's why I have to remove it after getting home...

A picture is worth a thousand words....

A man's wife decides to go out with her friends on a girls night dancing. He's okay with it, because he gets to watch sports all night.

He hears her stumble into bed around 4am and he laughs knowing she's going to have a monster hangover. He wakes up next morning and goes outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night.

He sighs in relief because it's all in one piece.He then circles the car looking for dents and find none.

But then.... he finds this...

Drawing - Differently

 

How to spot a male snake

 

What the...

Physics Jokes

Q: What did one quantum physicist say when he wanted to fight another
quantum physicist?
A: Let me atom.

Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum,
and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

Q: What is the name of the first electricity detective?
A: Sherlock Ohms

Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop
asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No,
but I know where I am."

Q: What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
A: From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after
seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.

** Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to
get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a
chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction;
fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his
megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field,
next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.

Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve.
Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set
her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her
resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it
in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried
out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum
output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long
for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current
shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged - every
electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they
fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar
magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to
sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro
was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later,
they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.

Blondes Fight Back

Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?
It doesn't show the dirt.

Who makes all the bras for brunettes?
Fisher-Price

Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable

Why are most brunettes flat-chested?
It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts

Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache

Why is the color brunette considered evil?
When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch?

How can you tell a brunette is lonely?
Check her for a pulse

What is the most frustrated animal in the world?
A brunette rabbit

What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover?
"What part of 'yes' don't you understand ?"

Why did God create brunettes?
So ugly men wouldn't feel left out

What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation

Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant?
From their underarms

Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job?
Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch

How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?
Startled

What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?
A hostage

Guys will be guys

 

Menopause (or PMS) Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his
forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass.

The Hypnotist

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've   been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
 
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
 
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
 
"Well, that is wonderful."
 
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
 
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
 
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
 
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
 
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
 
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
 sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
 
His funeral services will be held on Saturday.

Two Nuns

There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical
(SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!
What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way.. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what
has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us
both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
than man with his pants down.

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a
woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper
may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the
next
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit t he building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor
the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and

Help With Housework.


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop- dead Gorgeous, Help
with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign
reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store

just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

The Dentist

 

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth."

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