Lost in Translation

 

The meaning of marriage

 

Doctor's Advice

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.

' Well actually, yes, I do.', she exclaimed..

'Does it hurt you?' he asked.

'No. I rather like it.'

'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified....'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?''

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from'?

By George!

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

Ya gotta love George!!

A Quickie

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board....'

 

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'

Worst Album Covers

 

How to keep Jehovah's witnesses from knocking

 

Banned Commercial - Levis

The Website Is Down

True Patriotism

The Salesgirl

"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing
the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."

Why I fired my Secretary....

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...
Well,
that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.


As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.


I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'


After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'


'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there...


On the couch...

Naked!!!

Hey.. hey..

Kids

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

 

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
you're stuck with.. -- Kristen, age 10

 

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
-- Camille, age 10

 

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

 

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.       FAMILY:  Lori, age 8

 

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --
Lynn , age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

 

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10 (Martin is wise beyond his years)

 

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

 

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that..
- - Curt, age 7

 

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

 

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

 

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -Kelvin,
age 8

 

And the #1 Favorite is........

 

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump
truck. -- Rick, age 10

Three Girls

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon
entering the gate they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient
angel.

St.Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple
question."

"Which is?" they replied in unison.

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the first girl.

"Oh yes," she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still
virgin even after I got married."

"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the second girl.

"Oh, quite good," she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but
was not after I got married."

"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the third girl.

"Oh no, not at all," she said. "I practically have sex with every guy
I met, before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."

"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl.........my room key."

Make it longer

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well endowed that it
was bothering his knee. Three Air Force doctors and one Air Force
nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.

The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They
discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle
of it." They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture
and feel of it.

The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of
it." They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him
erection problems.

The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who had
tears running down her cheeks.

The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"

Partial Disability

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?"
asked the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential
treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 am, but I might as well be honest with you.
Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our
balls trying to decide what to do first."

Every job's important

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did
for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another
said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said, "My mom's a whore."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's
office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.

So the teacher asked, "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

Johnny said, "Yes."

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple
and asked for my phone number."

Grandma

Little Johnny and his little sis are reading the book "Life of
Animals." Suddenly they jump from the couch and run to their
grandmother.

"Grandma, grandma, can you have children?" they asked.

"Oh my dear, of course not, certainly not," she replied.

Johnny turns to his little sis and says triumphantly, "I told you she's a male!"

Rights

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that
divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.

"What's the problem?" asked the lawyer.

"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped
the oilman.

"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer, "I mean your wife
isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"

"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect
exclusive drillin' rights!"

What I want?

Bubba had never had sex in his life, so his buddy Billy told him that
he'd take him to a girl that would teach him a few things. He agrees.

Later, Bubba's in a room with the girl. She takes off her clothes, and
asks him, "Do you know what I want?"

Bubba says, quite honestly, "No."

She lies down on the bed, and asks him the same question again. Again
he answers, "No."

Now, she's not sure exactly what to do, so she spreads her legs all the way!

She asks, "Now do you know what I want?"

Bubba answers, "Yeah. You want the whole damned bed to yourself."

The Karate Dog

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."

And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my ass!"

Kramer Is OUT

The Good Girl

How girls change your goal...

 

Bad Education

 

Nice Laugh

Best Ad for Google...

Desperate for a world cup ticket...

Never Fart in a Wet Suit

 

The Maid

The maid wanted an increase in salary. The Madam was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want an increase?'

Maria: Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.

Madam: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'The Master said so.'

Madam: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Madam: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'The Master did.' Madam: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Madam (very upset now): 'Did the Master say so as well?'

Maria: 'No Madam, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE.

Shipwrecked

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

Toons

 

Embarassing Medical Moments

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

 

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX .

 

 

 

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

 

Submitted by Dr. Richar d Byrnes, Seattle , WA

 

 

 

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

 

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

 

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

 

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

 

5.. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusio n she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

 

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

 

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

 

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

 

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that r ead, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

 

Submitted by RN no name

 

AND FINALLY!!!................
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener ".

Best short joke of the year

A  3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 

 
'Mom', he  asked, 'Are these my brains?'
 

'Not yet,' she replied.