Cartoons you won't see in the paper

 

Times Up?

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.

"You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead."

"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. "Whadda you gonna do then...... pointa to your watch and a say, Times Up?"

Discrimination

Once again discrimination rears its ugly head.... Will it never end?

The Real Cowboy

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a Drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Three times a week...

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

 

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

 

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

 

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

 

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Caught

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan 

 

'What was that for?' the man asked.

 

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

 

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'

 

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

 

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

 

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again 

 

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

Tequilla will do that...

 

Every dog has a day, and cat too...

 

Friends Reunited

 

No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally
the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to
chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to
a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his
watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)

A few good chuckles

 

Billboards We'd Like to See

 

Winter Sucks....

 

Caught

 

Cleanliness is Everything

Making a Baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

 

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

 

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

 

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

 

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

 

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

 

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

 

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

 

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

 

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

 

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

 

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

 

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

 

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

 

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

 

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

 

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

 

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

 

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

 

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

 

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

 

'Tripod?'

 

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'  

 
Mrs. Smith fainted

Christmas Cancelled.

Seen on an office wall:

"Christmas cancelled - Joseph confessed"

The Affair

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a pipe-wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed…."

Twin Peaks