Top 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here...
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:-Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating ,insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ...........it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
Friday, November 17, 2006
Thursday, November 16, 2006
The Winking Problem
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought, however, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry, we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me."
The applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms; red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms, finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and immediately stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me."
The applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms; red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms, finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and immediately stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Internal Affairs
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
**********
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
**********
Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.
**********
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
**********
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
**********
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
**********
Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever !!!"
**********
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
**********
Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?
B'coz people started licking the wrong side.
**********
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend also my son, that's confidential!
**********
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints...
**********
Friend to sardar: Why are u going for a birth control surgery for the ninth time?
Sardar: What to do yaar, my wife still keep getting pregnant._
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
**********
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
**********
Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.
**********
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
**********
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
**********
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
**********
Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever !!!"
**********
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
**********
Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?
B'coz people started licking the wrong side.
**********
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend also my son, that's confidential!
**********
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints...
**********
Friend to sardar: Why are u going for a birth control surgery for the ninth time?
Sardar: What to do yaar, my wife still keep getting pregnant._
Friday, November 10, 2006
Are these my brains?
A three year old was examining his testicles while he was taking a bath.
"Mom," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mother replies: "Not yet."
"Mom," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mother replies: "Not yet."
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Butch the Rooster
John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, hens called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to make sure the eggs were fertile.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too, but on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement Butch had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result ... The judges not only awarded Butch the "No-Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly, Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too, but on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement Butch had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result ... The judges not only awarded Butch the "No-Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly, Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Men and Women
When a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
"This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
Two Pilots
A C-130 was flying on a mission when a? cocky F-16 pilot flew up next to him.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.?
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.
The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes, and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think of that?"
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the heck did you do?"
The C-130 pilot chuckled, "I stood up, stretched my legs, went to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a sweet roll."
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.?
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.
The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes, and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think of that?"
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the heck did you do?"
The C-130 pilot chuckled, "I stood up, stretched my legs, went to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a sweet roll."
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Greeks Vs Italians
A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon".
The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum"
The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians".
The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire", and on and on, and then :
The Greek says, "We invented sex".
The Italian says, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women".
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon".
The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum"
The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians".
The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire", and on and on, and then :
The Greek says, "We invented sex".
The Italian says, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women".
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
101 Lies Men Tell Women
1. I'll call you.
2. I love you.
3. You're the only one.
4. I've never felt this way about anyone else.
5. I've got to work late at the office tonight.
6. That's the best sex I've ever had.
7. You've got the most beautiful eyes
8. No, I'm not married
9. Sorry. I must have left my wallet and credit cards at home.
10. You just have to believe me when I tell you nothing's wrong.
11. I'm ready to make a commitment.
12. Except for a beer or two, I never drink.
13. My wife and I haven't had sex in years.
14. We'll get married as soon as I ...
15. I'll be home in twenty minutes.
16. It's not that I don't care - I just have to spend more time
with my kids.
17. I've only slept with maybe ten women in my entire life.
18. I've been celibate since we broke up.
19. I could never lie to you.
20. I can still last all night
21. I always use a condom
22. I can help you get a great job in my company (field)
23. I haven't seen her since she and I broke up
24. I tested HIV negative
25. I haven't seen her since she and I broke up
26. The only sexual fantasies I have are about you
27. No, I don't think your thighs (stomach, breasts, hips, etc.) are too big
28. I'm too tired
29. How could you think I'd be interested in her? She's your best friend
30. When it comes to oral sex, I'm the best
31. I've never had any trouble keeping an erection before
32. It's you and me, babe - we'll make love all over Europe
33. I'd never do anything to hurt you.
34. I want to grow old with you
35. Believe me, my wife and I live very separate lives
36. Our having sex won't change a thing between us
37. Don't worry, I've had a vasectomy
38. I'm going to leave my wife
39. You're nothing at all like my mother
40. Your being a different religion doesn't matter to me
41. It doesn't bother me that you make more money than I do
42. Even without sex, we'd still be friends
43. I think older women are the most exciting
44. I'm considered one of the top people (in my field, in the company)
45. What attracts me to you is your mind
46. We'll split all the child care and household chores fifty-fifty
47. Of course I don't mind that you didn't come
48. I've never had an affair before
49. You're the only one who understands me
50. I've never been in therapy
51. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me
52. No, I'm not seeing anyone else
53. I haven't thought about her (old girlfriend) in years
54. How many times do I have to tell you I'm not having an affair?
55. Your career is as important as mine
56. I promise you that I'll change
57. I want us to remain close friends always
58. My wife and I have an understanding
59. You're wonderful; you deserve someone better than me
60. I don't masturbate
61. Let's be friends first
62. When you walked through that door, I knew it was the real thing
63. I'd like you even if you were a man
64. It's okay to be good looking, but looks just don't mean that much to me
65. The difference between us will bring us even closer
66. I spend everything I earn on you and the kids
67. No, I never said that
68. You make me feel like a kid again
69. I'm going out with the boys (to the gym, to the office)
70. I'll move wherever you want
71. Of course I'm not bored with you
72. As soon as I finish this project (get a promotion, a raise, make partner), we'll......
73. You've got more sex appeal in your little toe than my wife's got in her whole body
74. It wouldn't be you and me anymore if I used one of those
75. Let's pool our assets - whatever is mine is yours
76. I still find you just as attractive as the day I met you
77. Divorce is the farthest thing from my mind
78. Sure, I'll watch the kids
79. It's not just the sex I want, it's being close to you.
80. We'll be spending a lot of time together when I retire
81. You're the only reason I've worked so hard
82. If I didn't have all this work, you know I'd go with you and the kids to your mom's
83. No one's ever turned me on like you do
84. My boss says there's nothing to worry about
85. I'll never tell
86. Relax, she's just a friend
87. This is just a temporary separation until we get things worked out
88. Your hair (dress, outfit) looks fantastic
89. It was just sex - it didn't mean a thing
90. Of course I'm listening to what you're saying
91. Come on in and we'll just cuddle for a few minutes
92. No, I don't think you're fat
93. You're the woman I should have married
94. I'm going to be focusing on my work for a while now.
95. I guarantee you, I'm not the father
96. Your having kids has nothing to do with my not wanting to get married
97. I'm not ashamed of the way you talk (look, act, etc.)
98. It's nothing personal; I just don't like sharing my living space with someone
99. This time I'm really serious
100. Honestly, honey, it's just for the guys - none of the wives go to the conference
101. I'll always take care of you.
2. I love you.
3. You're the only one.
4. I've never felt this way about anyone else.
5. I've got to work late at the office tonight.
6. That's the best sex I've ever had.
7. You've got the most beautiful eyes
8. No, I'm not married
9. Sorry. I must have left my wallet and credit cards at home.
10. You just have to believe me when I tell you nothing's wrong.
11. I'm ready to make a commitment.
12. Except for a beer or two, I never drink.
13. My wife and I haven't had sex in years.
14. We'll get married as soon as I ...
15. I'll be home in twenty minutes.
16. It's not that I don't care - I just have to spend more time
with my kids.
17. I've only slept with maybe ten women in my entire life.
18. I've been celibate since we broke up.
19. I could never lie to you.
20. I can still last all night
21. I always use a condom
22. I can help you get a great job in my company (field)
23. I haven't seen her since she and I broke up
24. I tested HIV negative
25. I haven't seen her since she and I broke up
26. The only sexual fantasies I have are about you
27. No, I don't think your thighs (stomach, breasts, hips, etc.) are too big
28. I'm too tired
29. How could you think I'd be interested in her? She's your best friend
30. When it comes to oral sex, I'm the best
31. I've never had any trouble keeping an erection before
32. It's you and me, babe - we'll make love all over Europe
33. I'd never do anything to hurt you.
34. I want to grow old with you
35. Believe me, my wife and I live very separate lives
36. Our having sex won't change a thing between us
37. Don't worry, I've had a vasectomy
38. I'm going to leave my wife
39. You're nothing at all like my mother
40. Your being a different religion doesn't matter to me
41. It doesn't bother me that you make more money than I do
42. Even without sex, we'd still be friends
43. I think older women are the most exciting
44. I'm considered one of the top people (in my field, in the company)
45. What attracts me to you is your mind
46. We'll split all the child care and household chores fifty-fifty
47. Of course I don't mind that you didn't come
48. I've never had an affair before
49. You're the only one who understands me
50. I've never been in therapy
51. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me
52. No, I'm not seeing anyone else
53. I haven't thought about her (old girlfriend) in years
54. How many times do I have to tell you I'm not having an affair?
55. Your career is as important as mine
56. I promise you that I'll change
57. I want us to remain close friends always
58. My wife and I have an understanding
59. You're wonderful; you deserve someone better than me
60. I don't masturbate
61. Let's be friends first
62. When you walked through that door, I knew it was the real thing
63. I'd like you even if you were a man
64. It's okay to be good looking, but looks just don't mean that much to me
65. The difference between us will bring us even closer
66. I spend everything I earn on you and the kids
67. No, I never said that
68. You make me feel like a kid again
69. I'm going out with the boys (to the gym, to the office)
70. I'll move wherever you want
71. Of course I'm not bored with you
72. As soon as I finish this project (get a promotion, a raise, make partner), we'll......
73. You've got more sex appeal in your little toe than my wife's got in her whole body
74. It wouldn't be you and me anymore if I used one of those
75. Let's pool our assets - whatever is mine is yours
76. I still find you just as attractive as the day I met you
77. Divorce is the farthest thing from my mind
78. Sure, I'll watch the kids
79. It's not just the sex I want, it's being close to you.
80. We'll be spending a lot of time together when I retire
81. You're the only reason I've worked so hard
82. If I didn't have all this work, you know I'd go with you and the kids to your mom's
83. No one's ever turned me on like you do
84. My boss says there's nothing to worry about
85. I'll never tell
86. Relax, she's just a friend
87. This is just a temporary separation until we get things worked out
88. Your hair (dress, outfit) looks fantastic
89. It was just sex - it didn't mean a thing
90. Of course I'm listening to what you're saying
91. Come on in and we'll just cuddle for a few minutes
92. No, I don't think you're fat
93. You're the woman I should have married
94. I'm going to be focusing on my work for a while now.
95. I guarantee you, I'm not the father
96. Your having kids has nothing to do with my not wanting to get married
97. I'm not ashamed of the way you talk (look, act, etc.)
98. It's nothing personal; I just don't like sharing my living space with someone
99. This time I'm really serious
100. Honestly, honey, it's just for the guys - none of the wives go to the conference
101. I'll always take care of you.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Priests on Vacation
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. Determined to make this a real vacation escape by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy, they headed for a store as soon as the plane landed and bought some outrageous shorts, shirts and sandals.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their tourist garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a string bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually; then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? The next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits--these were so loud you could hear them before you saw them. Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, this time topless with just a thong bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Once again, she nodded at each of them, saying, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and then started to walk away. One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer . Standing up, he said, "Just a minute young lady."
"Yes, Father?", she answered.
"We are priests and proud of it," he continued, "but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
"Father, it's ME, Sister Margaret!" she explained.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their tourist garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a string bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually; then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? The next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits--these were so loud you could hear them before you saw them. Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, this time topless with just a thong bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Once again, she nodded at each of them, saying, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and then started to walk away. One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer . Standing up, he said, "Just a minute young lady."
"Yes, Father?", she answered.
"We are priests and proud of it," he continued, "but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
"Father, it's ME, Sister Margaret!" she explained.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Doctor's Visit
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination" said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
Thursday, July 20, 2006
The New Priest
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand'. How did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand'. How did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12.Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
16. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
17. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12.Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
16. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
17. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Jesus Christ
Three wise men following yonder star through the desert for three days and nights. Finally they came to a manger. The star was shining on a crib with a baby inside.
As they were walking to the crib one of the wise men stepped on a rake and the handle flew up and hit him in the nose, "JESUS CHRIST", he shouted.
"Hey", said another wise man, "good name for the kid."
As they were walking to the crib one of the wise men stepped on a rake and the handle flew up and hit him in the nose, "JESUS CHRIST", he shouted.
"Hey", said another wise man, "good name for the kid."
Monday, July 03, 2006
Einstein's Theory
Albert Einstein's was born March 14, 1879.
Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.
He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well-endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.
It was called Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.
He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well-endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.
It was called Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
The Young Girl's Doubt
Visiting minister during the offertory prayer:
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without You we are but dust......"
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point.
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without You we are but dust......"
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point.
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