The Maker of all Human Beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units, code-named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units.
This defect has been technically termed "Subsequential Internal Non-morality," or more commonly known by the acronym: "SIN"
Some symptoms include the following:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion
The Manufacturer is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect.
The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs.
There is no additional fee required.
The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.
Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE Procedure.
Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control
Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers' Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will eventually result in the human unit being permanently impounded and destroyed.
- For free emergency service, call on Jesus.
DANGER: The human being units that do not respond to this recall action will be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.
Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice. You may contact The Manufacturer at any time via "knee-mail."
Thank you for your attention!
GOD
Monday, May 28, 2007
The Humorous Pastor
A country pastor who found it difficult to incorporate humor into his sermons attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for the many aspects of their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well-known and dynamic religious personalities. One boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He quickly followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he delivered the rest of his talk, which went over very well.
The next week, the country pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that same joke in his sermon. As he approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday morning, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a little foggy to him.
Nevertheless, he approached the microphone and said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the sanctuary. After standing there for almost ten seconds in the stunned silence, desperately trying to recall the second half of the joke, the frantic pastor blurted out, "....And I can't remember who she was!"
Among the speakers were many well-known and dynamic religious personalities. One boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He quickly followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he delivered the rest of his talk, which went over very well.
The next week, the country pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that same joke in his sermon. As he approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday morning, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a little foggy to him.
Nevertheless, he approached the microphone and said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the sanctuary. After standing there for almost ten seconds in the stunned silence, desperately trying to recall the second half of the joke, the frantic pastor blurted out, "....And I can't remember who she was!"
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Friday, April 27, 2007
Italian Girl
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said, "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"
Moral of the story: Don't tempt a woman, they are far too intelligent!!
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said, "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"
Moral of the story: Don't tempt a woman, they are far too intelligent!!
Saturday, March 31, 2007
The Towel
No matter what the husband does in bed, his wife never achieves orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay," he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed." Have ! the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. They go home and hire a strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him triumphantly:
"You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel."
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay," he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed." Have ! the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. They go home and hire a strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him triumphantly:
"You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel."
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Oneliners
Q: What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, bang-bang, bang-bang, clip-clop, clip-clop?
A: An Amish drive by shooting.
Q. How do you scare the s*** out of a man?
A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Q: What do you call a guinea pig with two rolls of duck tape on its back?
A: A slut.
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice Penis."
A: An Amish drive by shooting.
Q. How do you scare the s*** out of a man?
A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Q: What do you call a guinea pig with two rolls of duck tape on its back?
A: A slut.
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice Penis."
Little Johnny
Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."
This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well,God is both black and white."
This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."
This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well,God is both black and white."
This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
A Blonde on Horseback
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when, to her great fortune.....Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when, to her great fortune.....Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
The Young Couple
A young couple was parked in the local lovers lane, steamed up windows, antenna shaking, and suddenly....... a flashlight shines into the window, and a cop tells the young man, "Get out of the car....."
The young man complies and the cop says to him "I'll let you go on one condition.... that I am next.."
The young man is so terrified that his knees are shaking. The cop notices this and says to him "What are you so shaken up about?"
The young man replies, "I never made love to a cop before"
The young man complies and the cop says to him "I'll let you go on one condition.... that I am next.."
The young man is so terrified that his knees are shaking. The cop notices this and says to him "What are you so shaken up about?"
The young man replies, "I never made love to a cop before"
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Four Friends
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our son...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends shifted uncomfortably. "Hmmmm, what a shame," one replied.
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our son...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends shifted uncomfortably. "Hmmmm, what a shame," one replied.
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Karate Dog
Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a Doberman.
The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.
Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"
The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."
"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.
The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.
The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.
"I'll take him," he says.
When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."
"Karate," she yells. "Karate my Butt!!"
The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.
Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"
The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."
"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.
The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.
The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.
"I'll take him," he says.
When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."
"Karate," she yells. "Karate my Butt!!"
You be the Judge
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...
"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...
"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
Friday, November 24, 2006
Things Men wish Women Knew
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
Don't cut your hair. Ever.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is not sport.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Check your oil.
Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
Don't cut your hair. Ever.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is not sport.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Check your oil.
Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Holy Water
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St.Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever Had any contact with a male organ?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondle and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reva, What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever Had any contact with a male organ?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondle and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reva, What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
The Nun and the Cabbie
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Friday, November 17, 2006
Romantic 1st lines... and deadly 2nd ones
A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received...
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell
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