The Hammer Killer

A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, "You're
charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

"You b*stard!" yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.

"You're also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer,"
says the judge.

"B*stard!" the same person yells.

The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom. "Sir,
one more outburst and I'll charge you with contempt."

"I'm sorry, Your Honor," says the man. "But I've been this bastard's
neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he
said he didn't have one."

What doctors can do these days...

A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out
looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four
weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we
can take a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have him out
looking for work in two weeks."

The American doc, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way
behind! We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to
Washington where she will become President, and half the country will be
out looking for work in less than a week!"

Dear Abby...

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.

What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago; he hasn't even looked for a
new one.

All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his
buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like
me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

- Desperate in NY...

Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump the jerk.

Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore!

You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of
the United States. Act like one!

- Abby

The Deer Hunter

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being
interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The
discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head
of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it
'Are you the one that killed my brother?' '

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they
care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw
next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the
French."

The interview ended at that point.

We're gonna miss you!

(Keep in mind this actually really did happen!!!! This is someone who
was moving from an insurance claims office. Okay so this is how I
imagine this conversation went:)

Walmart Employee: "Hello ~dis Walmarts, how can I help you?

Customer: I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.

Walmart Employee: What you want on the cake?

Customer: Best Wishes Suzanne and underneath that We will miss you.

Walmart Employee:

Girl's Night Out....

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake
up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming
up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible
conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9
cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
"MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem mad in the least. Whew, I got away with
that one!

Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'Oh! crap' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

You want me to do what?

 

The Golfer And The Stranger

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

The Elderly Couple

An elderly couple were attending a church service.

About half way through the sermon, the wife leans over and whispers to her husband,
"I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

The Cowboy

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Logical Reasoning

Two friends signed up for college. When they looked at their schedules, the first friend noticed he had Logical Reasoning as a class. Not knowing what it was, he went to the class and asked the teacher what logical reasoning was.

The teacher than proceeded to explain: “Do you have a weed eater?”

“Yes,” replied the guy.

“You have a weed eater, which means you have a lawn, which means you have a house, which means you have kids, which means you have a wife, which means you’re straight.”

When he got out of class, he met with his friend who asked him what logical reasoning was about.

“Well,” said the guy. “Do you have a weed eater?”

“No,” replied the friend.

“”Then you’re gay!”

Office Memo

To: All Employees

Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Lunch Breaks:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Restroom Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.

Surgery:
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

The Trial

During a trial in a small town, the prosecutor calls the first witness, an old lady. Just to make her at ease, the prosecutor asks:

- Mrs Smith, do you know who I am ?

To which the old lady replies:

- Of course I know who you are, Mr Johnson. I know you since you were a kid, and honestly speaking, you've become a huge dissapointment to your parents. You lie constantly, you think yourself qualified to give an opinion about anything, even if you don't have the slightest idea about the matter under discussion, you are prepotent, abusive, you cheat on your wife, and worst of all, it is said you've embezzled funds from the church. Yeah, I know who you are.

So the prosecutor is kind of rattled after that - and just to save face, it asks, while pointing to the defense lawyer:

- And do you know who he is?

To which the old lady now replies:

- Of course I do. I've also known Mr Williams since he was a child.
Everyone knows he got his law degree by cheating. He also gambles, doesn't pay alimony to his two previous wives, is the worst laywer in the whole county, it hasn't paid taxes in the last 10 years or so, and also cheats on his wife with three different women - one of them being your wife, by the way. Yeah, I know Mr Williams - his parents aren't very proud of him either.

The defense lawyer is about to have a stroke.

The judge calls both the prosecutor and the defense laywer to approach the bench, and whispers:

- If either one of you asks this old witch if she knows me, I'll send you straight to the electric chair

Gas Pump Prank!

Hilarious Hummer Ad

A Blonde and the Crocodile Shoe

A blonde walks into a shoe shop in Florida and asks the assistant;

"Have you got any alligator shoes for sale?".

"Yes!" He replied, "They are $2, 500"

"I'm not paying that!" the shocked blonde exclaimed.

"I will go into the Everglades, catch an Alligator and get my own"

"Good luck!" said the amused assistant.

So the blonde walked out of the shop.

At 6 o'clock the assistant had finished work and was on his way home when he saw the blonde waist deep in water, holding a baseball bat.

He shouts over to the blonde;

"How are you doing?"

The blonde points over to a pile of dead alligators layed on the bank.

"I've killed 6 alligators and not one of them is wearing shoes!"

Miss Teen USA 2007 - South Carolina answers a question

Who Am I?

One Monday morning a Mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow. Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night!", the Mailman comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so
drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a
hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

"The Mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times....!"

Logic

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

Apple Announces...

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.