Pasta Code

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.  If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.  Send extra sauce'

Along came Betty..

80-year old Betty bursts into the rec room. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"

A young stud in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Betty thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex with You

* Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

* She yells out her own name.

* Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook more easily.

* Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

* Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

* Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

* Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a WAV file.

* During the act, she screams, "Oh, baby, yadda, yadda, yadda!"

* You begin to suspect she is only "playing" dead.

* You find yourself sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show.

Things Not To Say In Bed

* Hurry up, the game's about to start.

* You're so much like your sister . . .

* Your best friend does it much better.

* Stop moaning, you sound so stupid.

* Of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!

* It's OK honey, I can just imagine that it's bigger.

* (phone rings) Hello? Oh nothing much. You? Just hanging around.

What Smells??

Maxine took her car to her mechanic. She told him 'Every time I take any of my friends out in my car,  After a while there is this terrible smell!! It never happens when I am driving alone'??

This intrigued the mechanic, so he said, 'OK, lets Go for a spin and see what the problem is.'  Off they went.

She drove Down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 70MPH, swerving,  Hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly
missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a Policeman on street traffic duty. 
Then, they returned to the shop, and she said, 'There it is now... there's that terrible smell!  Can you smell it?'

'Smell it? Lady, I'm  Sittin in it!!

The Hooker

 

The Perfect Female Number Plate

 

Tattoo

A sophisticated looking lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down.

 

The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.

 

To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk sari and points to her right inner thigh - very high up. "Right here," she says, "I want you to tattoo a clay lamp and underneath it I want the word Diwali."

 

Then she points to her left thigh just as high up and says, "On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top and underneath it I want the word Christmas."

 

The owner looks at her. "Ooh, lady, it's none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I've ever heard. Why in the world do you want to do that?

 

"Well," the lady said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there's never anything good to eat between Diwali and Christmas."

Funny Stuff

 

Milking Machine

A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on the switch. Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more pleasure than his wife does.
 
But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not find any useful information.
 
He tries every button on the instrument, without success. Finally the farmer decides to call the customer hotline.
 
''Hello, I just bought a cow milking machine from your company, it works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?''

 

"Don't worry sir'', replies the customer service person, ''the machine will release automatically once it has collected two litres!"

Steaming Cup

 

The Audition

A man went for an audition at a local club.

 

"You' better not be a hypnotist, they're not welcome here."

"No I'm not, I'm a singer, why, what's wrong with a hypnotist?"

"Well we had one a couple days ago with 15 people on stage in a trance when he tripped over the microphone wire and shouted 'Shit'. We've been clearing up ever since."

PMS

 

Vaseline

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. 

He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.' 

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?' 

'We  use it for sex.' 

The researcher was a little taken back.. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with 
a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all.  My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'

The backside of Mt. Rushmore

 

At the flower show

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

 

The thin one leaned over and Said, 'Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

 

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 note.

 

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes, and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

 

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

 

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

 

'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'

Divine Love

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says.

And then the fight started..

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

**   

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

 It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

 So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

 And that's when the fight started....

 ** 

 Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. 

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

**

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Shit. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. 

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' 

And then the fight started.....

**

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

**  

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

 The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' 

And then the fight started.....

** 

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

** 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

**   

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.'

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

** 

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

**  

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

**  

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started..

 

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