Quotes

 

Nothing left to live for

 

Funny Sign Boards

 

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning Marc returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.  

Although not familiar with the lake, Anne decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any  moment.  I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any  moment.  I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,'  says the  woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

Lord, They are finally together

Judy got married and had 13 children.

 

Her first husband,Ted,died of cancer.

 

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

 

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

 

Judy *again*, remarried,.... And this time, she & John had 5 more children.

 

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

 

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

 

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

 

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

 

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

 

Margaret replied:....

 

"I think he means her *legs*, Ethel...."

Unfortunate Choice of Photo

 

How to save Papayas from falling ?????!!

 

Holiday Planning

SNED and JMAX were talking one day about holidays.

 

JMAX says, "I think I'm just about ready to book my winter holidays again, but I'm going to do it differently this time. In the past, I've always taken your advice about where to go.  Three years ago, you said go to Italy.  I went to Italy and my wife got pregnant.

 

Two years ago, you told me to go to Bermuda, and my wife got pregnant again.  Last year, you suggested the Canary Isles, and as you know, she got pregnant again."

 

SNED asks, "So, what are you going to do different this year JMAX?"

 

"This year," replies JMAX, "I'm taking her with me."

Onions and Xmas Tree

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his Father, "Dad, how many Kinds of boobies are there?
 
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, three kinds of Breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like Pears, still nice but Hanging bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
 
"Onions?"
 
Yes, you see them and they make you cry"

Daughter said, "Mum, how Many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
 
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well Dear, a man goes Through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is Like an oak tree, Mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is A birch, flexible. But reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.
 
" A Christmas tree?" Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for Decoration only."

U.S. T-Shirt of the Year

 

The Fortuneteller

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortuneteller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. 

 

"Ah...." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball.  "I see you are the father of two children." 

 
"Hah, what a scam you fortune tellers are," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of *three* children."  

 

The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think... " 

Too Drunk

Mark came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

 

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

 

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. 'Who the hell are you?' Demanded Mark, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'.

 

The mysterious Man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm The Devil'.

 

Mark was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away'.

 

The Devil replied 'Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

 

Mark was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

 

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

 

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'

 

It's not so bad' replies Mark, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode'.

 

You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before'.

 

'Never' replies Mark

 

'Well just relax and let it happen'

 

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.

 

An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

 

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

 

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting

 

Mark, wake up you drunken idiot, you're shitting on the bed'.

Onestone

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

  After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, ‘If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!’

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’ He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. 
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. 
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!


Why ???

Everyone knows…


You can’t kill Two Birds with OneStone

Are we too old yet?

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was
down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The
boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his
office puzzled by the question.

 As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and
zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage
door.'

 He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my
garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

 She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two
flat tires.'



 An elderly gentleman....
 Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor
and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
 The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you
can hear again.'
 The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet..
 I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will
three times!'



 Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old
now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do
you feel?'
 Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'



 An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
 The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a
new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
 The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
 The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of
that flower you give to someone you love?
 You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
 'Do you mean a rose?'
 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen
and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last
night?'


 Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who
insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
 After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
the elevator.
 On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
out of her hospital gown.'



 Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but
they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

 Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
 'Sure.'
 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she
asks.
 'No, I can remember it.'
 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it
down, so's not to forget it?'
 He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.. '
 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
down?' she asks.
 Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
 Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
 The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon
and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
 'Where's my toast ?'



 A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
 'So I hear you're getting married?'
 'Yep!'
 'Do I know her?'
 'Nope!'
 'This woman, is she good looking?'
 'Not really.'
 'Is she a good cook?'
 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
 'Does she have lots of money?'
 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
 'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
 'I don't know.'
 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
 'Because she can still drive!'




 Three old guys are out walking.
 First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
 Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
 Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'


 A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
 'Twelve thirty.'



 Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
 A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
 A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
really doing great, aren't you?'
 Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.''
 The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;
be careful.'


 One more. . .!


 A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he
ordered a banana split.
 The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Funny Bone

1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'


2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....

Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....


3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'

Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'


4. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'


5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential? ' Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '


6. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'

Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .'

Wise Sage

 

Most Unfortunate Town Names

 

Michaelangelo's David - After 2 year stay in the USA

 

Why Frankie goes Bear Hunting?

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska , spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, ' That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I ' m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex. '

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, ' That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex. '

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said,
'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you? '

When cigarettes becomes too expensive