A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "Pinch my nipples, Pinch my nipples, Pinch my nipples!!!!!!"
The befuddled clerk runs away to get the store manager in front a growing crowd of customers. The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"
She explains the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "Pinch my nipples, Pinch my nipples, Pinch my nipples!!!!" And doing so draws and even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says, "Because, I like to have my nipples pinched when I'm being screwed!!"
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Old Timer
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared and stared. Every time the young man looked over, the old man was staring. Finally the young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son.”
The old man just stared and stared. Every time the young man looked over, the old man was staring. Finally the young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son.”
Priceless
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and Notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind.
You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm a married man !
Broken furniture $85.26
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Red Rose bud $3.00
Two Aspirins $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: Priceless…
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and Notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind.
You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm a married man !
Broken furniture $85.26
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Red Rose bud $3.00
Two Aspirins $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: Priceless…
Mother Superior
A nun is with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see as the squirrel was running an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away."
"Did you swear THEN?" asks the Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped six inches from the hole." The two nuns are silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighs and says, "You missed the f*****g putt, didn't you?"
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see as the squirrel was running an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away."
"Did you swear THEN?" asks the Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped six inches from the hole." The two nuns are silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighs and says, "You missed the f*****g putt, didn't you?"
Ballerina
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a pub in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her -- the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her -- the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Three Roses
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vagina lips reduced because they were flapping in the breeze.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this
all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.”
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this
all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.”
Little Old Lady
A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-ld-dildoes h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"
"Well, yes maam, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of t-them v-v-vibra-a-ate?"
"Yes ma'am, one of them does."
"W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"
"Well, yes maam, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of t-them v-v-vibra-a-ate?"
"Yes ma'am, one of them does."
"W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"
Monday, December 26, 2005
Inventions
I went to the US Patent Office yesterday trying to register some of my inventions.
I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.
She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"
A Fottle", I replied.
What else do you have?"
A folding carton."
What do you call it?"
A Farton."
She snickered and said,
"Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without telling her about my folding bucket.
I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.
She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"
A Fottle", I replied.
What else do you have?"
A folding carton."
What do you call it?"
A Farton."
She snickered and said,
"Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without telling her about my folding bucket.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
24 Hours to go..
Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Doreen agreed and again they made love.
Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Doreen agreed and again they made love.
Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
Toast of the Night
Dean Pattison hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Chantel, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
Dean said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, Dean!" Chantel said.
The next day, Chantel ran into one of Dean's drinking buddies on the street corner. Neal chuckled leeringly and said, "Dean won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Chantel."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Chantel, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
Dean said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, Dean!" Chantel said.
The next day, Chantel ran into one of Dean's drinking buddies on the street corner. Neal chuckled leeringly and said, "Dean won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Chantel."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Tickle-me-Elmo
There is a factory in America which makes Tickle-me-Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the factory and she reports for her first day at 0800.
The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Managers door.
The foreman of the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant and rave about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor and they are really piled up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle-me-Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a small piece of fabric wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry", he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions i gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two 'test tickles'."
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the factory and she reports for her first day at 0800.
The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Managers door.
The foreman of the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant and rave about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor and they are really piled up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle-me-Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a small piece of fabric wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry", he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions i gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two 'test tickles'."
The Blind Man
On a really hot day, four nuns were assigned to paint a room in their church. After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, they decided to take off all their clothes and paint naked.
An hour later, someone knocked on the door of the church. "Who is it?" they called out.
"I'm the blind man," came the reply.
The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them. They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting. They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.
"Okay, sisters," he said, "Where do you want the blinds?"
An hour later, someone knocked on the door of the church. "Who is it?" they called out.
"I'm the blind man," came the reply.
The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them. They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting. They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.
"Okay, sisters," he said, "Where do you want the blinds?"
Child Benefit
A woman goes to the welfare to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the social worker?
"10" replies the woman.
"10???" says the social worker... "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the woman, " its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YOUR DINNER'S READY! or WAAYNE, GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed social worker.
"Ag, that's easy... I just use their surnames!"
"How many children?" asks the social worker?
"10" replies the woman.
"10???" says the social worker... "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the woman, " its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YOUR DINNER'S READY! or WAAYNE, GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed social worker.
"Ag, that's easy... I just use their surnames!"
Top Signs About Your Teacher
The Top 9 Signs Your Sex Ed Teacher Has Never Had Sex
9> "The dirty, sinful, nasty thing" isn't a term from the textbook.
8> His advice for avoiding teen pregnancy? "If you see a stork, run!"
7> She goes to Anne Rice conventions, her dream is to touch Fabio's pectorals, and she has more cats than names in her address book.
6> Refers to all sex organs as "the hoo-ha."
5> "But we're not birds or bees, so we don't do that... that... thing!"
4> Keeps trying to plug film projector into wrong end of extension cord.
3> She tends to say "theoretically" and "according to researchers" a lot in her lectures.
2> All the diagrams she uses seem to have been torn from the owner's manual of a 1974 Volkswagen Beetle.
And the Number 1 Sign Your Sex Ed Teacher Has Never Had Sex...
1> "Now this is a picture of the male genit-- OH DEAR GOD!"
9> "The dirty, sinful, nasty thing" isn't a term from the textbook.
8> His advice for avoiding teen pregnancy? "If you see a stork, run!"
7> She goes to Anne Rice conventions, her dream is to touch Fabio's pectorals, and she has more cats than names in her address book.
6> Refers to all sex organs as "the hoo-ha."
5> "But we're not birds or bees, so we don't do that... that... thing!"
4> Keeps trying to plug film projector into wrong end of extension cord.
3> She tends to say "theoretically" and "according to researchers" a lot in her lectures.
2> All the diagrams she uses seem to have been torn from the owner's manual of a 1974 Volkswagen Beetle.
And the Number 1 Sign Your Sex Ed Teacher Has Never Had Sex...
1> "Now this is a picture of the male genit-- OH DEAR GOD!"
Viagra Coffee
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
Chicken Mystery
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.”
The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.”
Monday, December 19, 2005
Customs Check
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: “Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?”
“Of course my child, what can I do for you?”
“Here is the problem. I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?”
“Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie.”
“You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions”, and she gave him the hair remover.
The air craft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?
“From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son”, he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, “And from the sash down, what do you have?”
The priest replied, “I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used.”
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said “Go ahead Father”.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: “Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?”
“Of course my child, what can I do for you?”
“Here is the problem. I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?”
“Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie.”
“You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions”, and she gave him the hair remover.
The air craft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?
“From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son”, he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, “And from the sash down, what do you have?”
The priest replied, “I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used.”
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said “Go ahead Father”.
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