Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
That Piece of Meat
An Elder was asked to preach in church for a Sunday Service. His sermon was as follows:
Dear Brothers and Sisters! Today I want to talk about a piece of meat.
That piece of meat that separates brothers and sisters!
That piece of meat that causes Husbands and Wife's to divorce!
That piece of meat that causes hatred between brothers and sisters!
That piece of meat that causes women to fight with women, brothers to fight with brothers!
It is that piece of meat that is more outside than inside and sometimes more inside than outside!
Beloved brothers and sisters, it is that piece that can give so much pain but it also brings a lot of pleasure!
Beloved Brother and Sisters, that's the piece of meat I want to talk to you about:
The Tongue, dear brothers and sisters.....the Tongue!
Dear Brothers and Sisters! Today I want to talk about a piece of meat.
That piece of meat that separates brothers and sisters!
That piece of meat that causes Husbands and Wife's to divorce!
That piece of meat that causes hatred between brothers and sisters!
That piece of meat that causes women to fight with women, brothers to fight with brothers!
It is that piece of meat that is more outside than inside and sometimes more inside than outside!
Beloved brothers and sisters, it is that piece that can give so much pain but it also brings a lot of pleasure!
Beloved Brother and Sisters, that's the piece of meat I want to talk to you about:
The Tongue, dear brothers and sisters.....the Tongue!
Friday, May 12, 2006
The Guys' Rules
Please note: these are all numbered "1"ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will BE scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will BE scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
The New Pastor's Visit
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10".
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Night Courses
During work, John and William were chatting:
John: William, I've been taking night courses for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.
William: oh!
John: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
William: No
John: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this.
The next day, the same discussion took place:
John: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
William: No
John: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
The next day, once again:
John: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
William: No
John: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.
This time, William got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is
George Hunt?
John: No
William: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this!!
John: William, I've been taking night courses for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.
William: oh!
John: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
William: No
John: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this.
The next day, the same discussion took place:
John: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
William: No
John: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
The next day, once again:
John: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
William: No
John: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.
This time, William got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is
George Hunt?
John: No
William: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this!!
How Romantic...
While waiting to register at a hotel, I overheard the couple ahead of me asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed.
The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.
Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years."
"Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked.
Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."
Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want to be able to punch him."
The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.
Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years."
"Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked.
Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."
Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want to be able to punch him."
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Marriage Counseling
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 45 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is.
The wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 45 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday; but on weekends, I fish."
The wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 45 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday; but on weekends, I fish."
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Mother of All Conclusions
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
Amazing Conclusion:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
Amazing Conclusion:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
Top 10
Top 10 things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do a split.
7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
6. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes
5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.
3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.
And the # 1 thing a man would do is:
1. Finally find that damn G-spot.
Top 10 things woman would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal.
6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may be to others.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the reason for the light refraction that occurs between man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member.
And the # 1 thing a woman would do is:
1. Repeat # 9.
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do a split.
7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
6. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes
5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.
3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.
And the # 1 thing a man would do is:
1. Finally find that damn G-spot.
Top 10 things woman would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal.
6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may be to others.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the reason for the light refraction that occurs between man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member.
And the # 1 thing a woman would do is:
1. Repeat # 9.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Women Who Read
While on a family outing at the lake, the husband returned to the campsite after several hours of fishing and told his wife that he needed to take a short nap. The fishing made him tired.
With the kids away hiking, the wife was bored just sitting around their campsite, so she decided to take the boat out to get some sun. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and laid back to read a book.
Before long, the game warden came by in his boat and pulled it along side the woman's boat. "Good afternoon, Ma'am," he said. "What are you doing?"
The woman felt that it was obvious what she was doing. Nevertheless she responded to the question. "I’m reading a book."
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area, Ma'am," the game warden informed her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," the woman said.
The game warden scratched his head. "But I haven't touched you."
"That's true, but you have all the equipment, and for all I know you could start at any moment."
The game warden spit in the water, started his boat's motor, and eased it into reverse.
"Have a nice day ma'am," he smiled. "Enjoy your book."
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
With the kids away hiking, the wife was bored just sitting around their campsite, so she decided to take the boat out to get some sun. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and laid back to read a book.
Before long, the game warden came by in his boat and pulled it along side the woman's boat. "Good afternoon, Ma'am," he said. "What are you doing?"
The woman felt that it was obvious what she was doing. Nevertheless she responded to the question. "I’m reading a book."
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area, Ma'am," the game warden informed her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," the woman said.
The game warden scratched his head. "But I haven't touched you."
"That's true, but you have all the equipment, and for all I know you could start at any moment."
The game warden spit in the water, started his boat's motor, and eased it into reverse.
"Have a nice day ma'am," he smiled. "Enjoy your book."
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Most Professions are Dirty
The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."
The Dentist because he says, "Open wide."
The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."
The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
The Dentist because he says, "Open wide."
The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."
The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
Not a Sin
"Father", the man at confession says,"Forgive me for I have sinned. The other day I saw me wife bent over the freezer an' I was overcome with lust, I was, Father, an' I had me evil and wicked way with her there an' then, I did, Father."
"This was your own wife you are talking about is it my son?" asks the priest.
"Aye Father, it was."
"Well then, my son, you have not committed any sin at all," replies the priest.
"Are ye sure, Father?"
"Of course I'm sure. You are allowed to give way to your carnal desires with your own wife," the priest reassures him.
"So, I'll still get into heaven then?" asks the man.
"Yes, of course you will," says the priest.
"An' I'll still be allowed into Church?" asks the man.
"Of course. You will be most welcome," replies the priest.
"Oh. Thank goodness," says the man, "'cos I don’t think they'll let me in Wal-Mart again!"
"This was your own wife you are talking about is it my son?" asks the priest.
"Aye Father, it was."
"Well then, my son, you have not committed any sin at all," replies the priest.
"Are ye sure, Father?"
"Of course I'm sure. You are allowed to give way to your carnal desires with your own wife," the priest reassures him.
"So, I'll still get into heaven then?" asks the man.
"Yes, of course you will," says the priest.
"An' I'll still be allowed into Church?" asks the man.
"Of course. You will be most welcome," replies the priest.
"Oh. Thank goodness," says the man, "'cos I don’t think they'll let me in Wal-Mart again!"
The Mistake
A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then, realizing her mistake, says, "Well, that's great...just great... some asshole's got my pen".
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then, realizing her mistake, says, "Well, that's great...just great... some asshole's got my pen".
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
