What's your size?

Have you ever wondered why the letters A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, H are used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs...

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can’t Complain!

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a Reduction.

{H} Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

Timing

I didn't get home from a trip until 2 a.m. on the night of a terrific storm. I found my kids asleep with my wife, scared by the storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom.

The next morning I talked to the kids and told them it was OK to sleep with mom during a storm, but when I was due home, please
don't.

A few weeks later my wife and the kids picked me up at the airport. My son came running into my arms and very loudly so ALL of the other deplaning passengers could hear, "Dad -- GOOD news! NO ONE slept with Mommy while you were away THIS time!"

The Best Salesman

Morris walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

"We don't need anyone," he was told.

"You can't afford not to hire me," Morris said. "I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!"

"Well, we have two prospects that NO ONE has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone about two hours. He returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.

"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.

"I told you I'm the world's best salesman," Morris said. "I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000, the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

Morris was gone about six hours, and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five-gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine.

He sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's."

"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?" "Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a state teachers' convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

The Mexican

A rich man living in Salt Lake City, Uthh decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Manuel, the only Mexican in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Manuel in the pool!

Manuel was fighting the croc and kicking its arse! Manuel was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of sh!t, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Manuel and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Manuel strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Manuel then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Manuel , I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

Nah, you all right, I don't want it,' said Manuel.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you somet hing. You won the bet.'

'How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Manuel.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again Manuel said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Manuel, then what do you want?'

Manuel said, 'I want the name of the asshole who pushed me in the Pool.'

Get Some Support

Q. What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

A. We'd better get some support, otherwise they'll think we're nuts.

Bar Jokes

 

* So, two guys walked into a bar. Which is really pretty silly, since you'd think that the second guy would have ducked.

* So a three-legged dog walked into a bar, and announced, "I'm looking for the guy that shot my Dad".   ...no, wait... 

 

* A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?" 

 

* A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch. Bartender can't help but notice, but doesn't want to be rude.
After the crowd thins out the bartender says, "Sir, I can't but notice that you have a steering wheel on your crotch. Why?"
And the pirate replied heartily, "Arrrr! Drives me nuts!" 

Lane Closed

Hey kids - want to stop and get a....

... Wait, what?

President Bush at the Olympics

 

Michael Phelps first baby picture

 

Why Do Men Get Excited When She's Wearing Leather?

When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry,
he goes weak at the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.


Ever wondered why?








Because she smells like a new car......

Budget Cuts

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. 

 
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

Intelligence has no age

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students  the teacher asked, "Boy. what is your problem?"

 

Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
 

 

Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.

 

The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

 

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

 

Boy.: "9".

 

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

 

Boy.: "36".

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade."

 

Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?"

 

The principal and Boy both agreed.

 

Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two  of?

 

Boy., after a moment "Legs."

 

Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

 

Boy.: "Pockets."

 

Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,  oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

 

Boy.: Coconut

 

Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.

 

Boy.: Bubblegum

 

Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

 

Boy.: Shake hands

 

Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

 

Boy.: Yep.

 

Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

 

Boy.: Tent

 

Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

 

Boy.: Wedding Ring

 

Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

 

Boy.: Nose

 

Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

 

Boy.: Arrow

 

Ms Neelam: What word sta rts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?

 

Boy.: Firetruck

 

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get  it u have to use ur hand.

 

Boy.: Fork

 

Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

 

Boy.: SURNAME

 

Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?

 

Boy.: HEART.

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

 

"Send this Boy to IBM - I got the last ten questions wrong myself!!"

You may want to use this one day!!

 

Little Johnny Rocks Again‏

One day Lil Johnny says to his father: "I want to get married."

Father: Oh, so do you have someone special in your mind?

Johnny: Yes , Grandma

Father: What? There is a problem now, you want to marry my Mother?

Johnny: Why not? You married my mother

__________________________________


L.Johnny: Can I go to the toilet?

Teacher: Johnny, MAY I go to the toilet?

L.Johnny: But I asked first!

__________________________________


Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."

The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"

Little Johnny said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

__________________________________________________


"Johnny, did your Mother help you with your homework last night?" the teacher asked.

"No, she did it all," Little Johnny replied.

__________________________________________________


"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"

Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny "At least you could try, right?"

________________________________________


Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

Little Johnny: One dollar.

Teacher(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.

Little Johnny (sadly): You don't know my father

__________________________


Teacher: "Hello boys, Remember!!! Nothing is impossible."

Little Johnny: "OK sir, could you please squeeze out all the toothpaste and put back it into the tube again."

___________________________


Little Johnny: Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he made me give up my seat to a lady.

Mum: Well, you have done the right thing.

Little Johnny: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap

Scoreboard

A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling.

Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here."

The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant.

"We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his butt. He won't even wake up."

So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his butt. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed.

After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.

Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't mind that you're shagging my wife, but do you really have to use my butthole as your scoreboard?"

That is what you call courage...

 

King Size

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