Monday, June 26, 2006
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Promise Not to Laugh
A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"OK then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.
Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again."
"OK," the man says.
"Now," the doctor says, getting down to business. "What seems to be the problem?"
"Well," the guy says, "it's swollen...."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"OK then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.
Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again."
"OK," the man says.
"Now," the doctor says, getting down to business. "What seems to be the problem?"
"Well," the guy says, "it's swollen...."
Obsessions
Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children on his TV show. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
All denied being obsessed with anything. "You are -- all of you!" he insisted.
"You are obsessed with eating," he said to the first mother. "You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is with money: Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and says, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."
All denied being obsessed with anything. "You are -- all of you!" he insisted.
"You are obsessed with eating," he said to the first mother. "You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is with money: Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and says, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."
Monday, June 12, 2006
Diwali - US Style
A young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to explain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother, this is how he went about it...
"So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something... Since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so.. he decided to get his wife and his bro along... you know...so that they could all chill out together.
But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit... really man... they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows... so it was fine.
But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed..... all the gods were with him... So anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys.. Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok... ..
So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood. Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest.. and anyways...it gets kinda boring,you know... no TV or malls or shit like that.
So,they decided to hitch a ride back home... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home... they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit...and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also... so it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks...
Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks... and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding.., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks... you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started."
"So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something... Since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so.. he decided to get his wife and his bro along... you know...so that they could all chill out together.
But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit... really man... they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows... so it was fine.
But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed..... all the gods were with him... So anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys.. Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok... ..
So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood. Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest.. and anyways...it gets kinda boring,you know... no TV or malls or shit like that.
So,they decided to hitch a ride back home... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home... they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit...and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also... so it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks...
Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks... and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding.., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks... you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started."
Miserable Relationships
I married a widow who had a grown-up daughter. My father, who visited us quite often, fell in love with my step daughter and married her. Hence, my father became my son-in-law, and my step-daughter became my mother. Some months later, my wife gave birth to a son, who became the brother in law of my father as well as my uncle.
The wife of my father, that is my step daughter, also had a son. Thereby, I got a brother and at the same time a grandson. My wife is my grandmother, since she is my mother's mother. Hence, I am my wife's husband and at the same time her step-grandson; in other words, I am my own grandfather.
The wife of my father, that is my step daughter, also had a son. Thereby, I got a brother and at the same time a grandson. My wife is my grandmother, since she is my mother's mother. Hence, I am my wife's husband and at the same time her step-grandson; in other words, I am my own grandfather.
Who's Guilty?
Wife was dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts:
"Up!! Quick! My husband is back."
Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts his butt, and then realizes:
"Damn, I'm the husband!"
"Up!! Quick! My husband is back."
Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts his butt, and then realizes:
"Damn, I'm the husband!"
Saturday, June 10, 2006
The God and Others
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon, bragging to one another about their successful sons.
The first woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps in, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third woman crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."
Since the fourth woman just sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle, "Well...?" sort of look.
"My son is 6'2" has broad square shoulders is terribly handsome and dresses exceptionally well. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say 'Oh my God...'."
The first woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps in, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third woman crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."
Since the fourth woman just sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle, "Well...?" sort of look.
"My son is 6'2" has broad square shoulders is terribly handsome and dresses exceptionally well. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say 'Oh my God...'."
51 Worst Pickup Lines
1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.
3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going....
9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.
11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to "tinker" around with.
13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb.
14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
17. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.
19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
21. If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.
22. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"
23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine.
24. I look good on you.
25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
26. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?
27. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?
28. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
29. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
30. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.
31. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
32. Do you want to dance, No? Well I guess a fuck is out of the question.
33. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
34. I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?
35. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
36. My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, mead till hard, and serve hot.
37. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.
38. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
39. Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me.
40. Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.
41. The word for the night is legs, legs go back to my room and spread the word.
42. Hey baby, what's your name? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?
43. Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.
44. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
45. Was you dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.
46. Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go Choo choo.
47. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.
48. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
49. Guy: "haven't I seen you someplace before?", Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore"
50. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of your mouth.
51. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?
2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.
3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going....
9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.
11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to "tinker" around with.
13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb.
14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
17. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.
19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
21. If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.
22. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"
23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine.
24. I look good on you.
25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
26. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?
27. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?
28. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
29. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
30. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.
31. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
32. Do you want to dance, No? Well I guess a fuck is out of the question.
33. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
34. I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?
35. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
36. My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, mead till hard, and serve hot.
37. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.
38. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
39. Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me.
40. Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.
41. The word for the night is legs, legs go back to my room and spread the word.
42. Hey baby, what's your name? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?
43. Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.
44. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
45. Was you dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.
46. Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go Choo choo.
47. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.
48. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
49. Guy: "haven't I seen you someplace before?", Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore"
50. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of your mouth.
51. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?
Friday, June 09, 2006
The Excuse
There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.
"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.
"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.
"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.
"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."
Thursday, June 08, 2006
What is it called?
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling"
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you right now."
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling"
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you right now."
The Genie
Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."
"Could I see him?"
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.
The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.
About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."
"Could I see him?"
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.
The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.
About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
The Sizes
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A) Almost Boobs...
(B) Barely there.
(C) Can't Complain!
(D) Dang!
(DD) Double dang!
(E) Enormous!
(F) Fake.
(G) Get a Reduction.
(H) Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!
(A) Almost Boobs...
(B) Barely there.
(C) Can't Complain!
(D) Dang!
(DD) Double dang!
(E) Enormous!
(F) Fake.
(G) Get a Reduction.
(H) Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!
The Cruise
A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for him and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.
The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!" and he returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry, but if it makes you sick why do you keep doing it?"
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.
The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!" and he returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry, but if it makes you sick why do you keep doing it?"
Thursday, June 01, 2006
The Value of a Drink
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
Magic Beer
A lady walks into a bar in a high-rise hotel and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. "Magic Beer," he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it! "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you’re a real asshole when you're drunk."
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it! "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you’re a real asshole when you're drunk."
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
That Piece of Meat
An Elder was asked to preach in church for a Sunday Service. His sermon was as follows:
Dear Brothers and Sisters! Today I want to talk about a piece of meat.
That piece of meat that separates brothers and sisters!
That piece of meat that causes Husbands and Wife's to divorce!
That piece of meat that causes hatred between brothers and sisters!
That piece of meat that causes women to fight with women, brothers to fight with brothers!
It is that piece of meat that is more outside than inside and sometimes more inside than outside!
Beloved brothers and sisters, it is that piece that can give so much pain but it also brings a lot of pleasure!
Beloved Brother and Sisters, that's the piece of meat I want to talk to you about:
The Tongue, dear brothers and sisters.....the Tongue!
Dear Brothers and Sisters! Today I want to talk about a piece of meat.
That piece of meat that separates brothers and sisters!
That piece of meat that causes Husbands and Wife's to divorce!
That piece of meat that causes hatred between brothers and sisters!
That piece of meat that causes women to fight with women, brothers to fight with brothers!
It is that piece of meat that is more outside than inside and sometimes more inside than outside!
Beloved brothers and sisters, it is that piece that can give so much pain but it also brings a lot of pleasure!
Beloved Brother and Sisters, that's the piece of meat I want to talk to you about:
The Tongue, dear brothers and sisters.....the Tongue!
Friday, May 12, 2006
The Guys' Rules
Please note: these are all numbered "1"ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will BE scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will BE scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
The New Pastor's Visit
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10".
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Night Courses
During work, John and William were chatting:
John: William, I've been taking night courses for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.
William: oh!
John: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
William: No
John: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this.
The next day, the same discussion took place:
John: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
William: No
John: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
The next day, once again:
John: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
William: No
John: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.
This time, William got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is
George Hunt?
John: No
William: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this!!
John: William, I've been taking night courses for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.
William: oh!
John: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
William: No
John: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this.
The next day, the same discussion took place:
John: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
William: No
John: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
The next day, once again:
John: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
William: No
John: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.
This time, William got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is
George Hunt?
John: No
William: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this!!
How Romantic...
While waiting to register at a hotel, I overheard the couple ahead of me asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed.
The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.
Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years."
"Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked.
Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."
Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want to be able to punch him."
The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.
Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years."
"Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked.
Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."
Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want to be able to punch him."
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Marriage Counseling
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 45 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is.
The wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 45 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday; but on weekends, I fish."
The wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 45 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday; but on weekends, I fish."
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Mother of All Conclusions
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
Amazing Conclusion:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
Amazing Conclusion:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
Top 10
Top 10 things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do a split.
7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
6. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes
5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.
3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.
And the # 1 thing a man would do is:
1. Finally find that damn G-spot.
Top 10 things woman would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal.
6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may be to others.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the reason for the light refraction that occurs between man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member.
And the # 1 thing a woman would do is:
1. Repeat # 9.
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do a split.
7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
6. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes
5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.
3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.
And the # 1 thing a man would do is:
1. Finally find that damn G-spot.
Top 10 things woman would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal.
6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may be to others.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the reason for the light refraction that occurs between man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member.
And the # 1 thing a woman would do is:
1. Repeat # 9.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Women Who Read
While on a family outing at the lake, the husband returned to the campsite after several hours of fishing and told his wife that he needed to take a short nap. The fishing made him tired.
With the kids away hiking, the wife was bored just sitting around their campsite, so she decided to take the boat out to get some sun. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and laid back to read a book.
Before long, the game warden came by in his boat and pulled it along side the woman's boat. "Good afternoon, Ma'am," he said. "What are you doing?"
The woman felt that it was obvious what she was doing. Nevertheless she responded to the question. "I’m reading a book."
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area, Ma'am," the game warden informed her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," the woman said.
The game warden scratched his head. "But I haven't touched you."
"That's true, but you have all the equipment, and for all I know you could start at any moment."
The game warden spit in the water, started his boat's motor, and eased it into reverse.
"Have a nice day ma'am," he smiled. "Enjoy your book."
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
With the kids away hiking, the wife was bored just sitting around their campsite, so she decided to take the boat out to get some sun. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and laid back to read a book.
Before long, the game warden came by in his boat and pulled it along side the woman's boat. "Good afternoon, Ma'am," he said. "What are you doing?"
The woman felt that it was obvious what she was doing. Nevertheless she responded to the question. "I’m reading a book."
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area, Ma'am," the game warden informed her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," the woman said.
The game warden scratched his head. "But I haven't touched you."
"That's true, but you have all the equipment, and for all I know you could start at any moment."
The game warden spit in the water, started his boat's motor, and eased it into reverse.
"Have a nice day ma'am," he smiled. "Enjoy your book."
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Most Professions are Dirty
The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."
The Dentist because he says, "Open wide."
The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."
The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
The Dentist because he says, "Open wide."
The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."
The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
Not a Sin
"Father", the man at confession says,"Forgive me for I have sinned. The other day I saw me wife bent over the freezer an' I was overcome with lust, I was, Father, an' I had me evil and wicked way with her there an' then, I did, Father."
"This was your own wife you are talking about is it my son?" asks the priest.
"Aye Father, it was."
"Well then, my son, you have not committed any sin at all," replies the priest.
"Are ye sure, Father?"
"Of course I'm sure. You are allowed to give way to your carnal desires with your own wife," the priest reassures him.
"So, I'll still get into heaven then?" asks the man.
"Yes, of course you will," says the priest.
"An' I'll still be allowed into Church?" asks the man.
"Of course. You will be most welcome," replies the priest.
"Oh. Thank goodness," says the man, "'cos I don’t think they'll let me in Wal-Mart again!"
"This was your own wife you are talking about is it my son?" asks the priest.
"Aye Father, it was."
"Well then, my son, you have not committed any sin at all," replies the priest.
"Are ye sure, Father?"
"Of course I'm sure. You are allowed to give way to your carnal desires with your own wife," the priest reassures him.
"So, I'll still get into heaven then?" asks the man.
"Yes, of course you will," says the priest.
"An' I'll still be allowed into Church?" asks the man.
"Of course. You will be most welcome," replies the priest.
"Oh. Thank goodness," says the man, "'cos I don’t think they'll let me in Wal-Mart again!"
The Mistake
A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then, realizing her mistake, says, "Well, that's great...just great... some asshole's got my pen".
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then, realizing her mistake, says, "Well, that's great...just great... some asshole's got my pen".
Can you hear me..?
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have that much money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother,"
The man arched an eyebrow (as you might expect), "Anything?", he asked. "Yes, yes, anything," the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me," said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed him.
"Come in and close the door," the man said. She did.
"Now get on your knees." She did.
"Now take down my zipper." She did.
"Now go ahead...take it out...," he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands...then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well, go ahead..."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...
"Hello, Mom...can you hear me?"
The man arched an eyebrow (as you might expect), "Anything?", he asked. "Yes, yes, anything," the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me," said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed him.
"Come in and close the door," the man said. She did.
"Now get on your knees." She did.
"Now take down my zipper." She did.
"Now go ahead...take it out...," he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands...then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well, go ahead..."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...
"Hello, Mom...can you hear me?"
Apartment Rent
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for eight hundred thousand. So they do what is worth eight waya yacho.
Before he leaves, "Darling I don't have any cash now, but I will write a cheque a mail it to you calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT'"
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the prize. So he writes a cheque for two hundred thousand and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed you will find a cheque of two hundred thousand for the rent of your apartment. I'm not sending the amount agreed upon becoz when I rented the apartment I had the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However I have found that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat and that it was extemely too large that you could easily get lost inside.
Upon receipt of the note the girl immediately returned the cheque and enclosed the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I don't understand how! you would expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. There is plenty of heat in the apartment only that you don't know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space Sir, the apartment is indeed of regular size. You see if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.
Please send the rent in full or I will be forced to contact your present landlady!
Before he leaves, "Darling I don't have any cash now, but I will write a cheque a mail it to you calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT'"
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the prize. So he writes a cheque for two hundred thousand and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed you will find a cheque of two hundred thousand for the rent of your apartment. I'm not sending the amount agreed upon becoz when I rented the apartment I had the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However I have found that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat and that it was extemely too large that you could easily get lost inside.
Upon receipt of the note the girl immediately returned the cheque and enclosed the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I don't understand how! you would expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. There is plenty of heat in the apartment only that you don't know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space Sir, the apartment is indeed of regular size. You see if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.
Please send the rent in full or I will be forced to contact your present landlady!
He Said/She Said
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
He said....Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey; I would love you no matter who left you the money.
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said....It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
He said....Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said...That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
He said....Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey; I would love you no matter who left you the money.
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said....It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
He said....Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said...That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."
Arrested for Laughing
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:
When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant.
She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'
The case was dismissed
She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:
When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant.
She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'
The case was dismissed
A Young Wife's Diary
Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.
Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.
Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.
Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, and then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.
Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again; it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes.
I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance.
When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out, "Why me? Why me?"
Hmmm....It must be his job.
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.
Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.
Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.
Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, and then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.
Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again; it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes.
I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance.
When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out, "Why me? Why me?"
Hmmm....It must be his job.
Teeth Down Under
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.
While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.
When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.
"HELL NO!" he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there."
"Yes there are," he says, "my Mom told me so"
"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"No I'm sorry" he says, "But my Mom told me that ALL women have teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."
The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.
When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.
"HELL NO!" he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there."
"Yes there are," he says, "my Mom told me so"
"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"No I'm sorry" he says, "But my Mom told me that ALL women have teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."
The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
Side Effect
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?” asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?” asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."
The Angry Face
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your wife's face while you're having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"And how did she look?"
"Oh boy, she looked very angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.
"Well that's very interesting; we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your wife's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window."
"Well, yes, I did once."
"And how did she look?"
"Oh boy, she looked very angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.
"Well that's very interesting; we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your wife's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window."
Necrophilia
A man was brought before the judge and charged with necrophilia (making love to a dead woman).
The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!"
The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:
#1, It's none of your damn business;
#2, She was my wife; and.....
#3, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!!!!!"
The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!"
The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:
#1, It's none of your damn business;
#2, She was my wife; and.....
#3, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!!!!!"
The Frog Demo
A young lady goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.
The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her
way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions and reads them very carefully.
She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to follow its training.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.
She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the lady calls the pet store.
The man says, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The lady welcomes him in and says "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:
"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time...."
The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her
way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions and reads them very carefully.
She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to follow its training.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.
She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the lady calls the pet store.
The man says, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The lady welcomes him in and says "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:
"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time...."
Urinalysis
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.”
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.”
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Nude cricket a must
Dan Nicholl comes up with an ingenuous proposition for injecting a little life into very forlorn stands in domestic games. Nudity!
…- the key solution has to be more nudity.
Imagine the thrill of watching Hayward tear in from the Umgeni End in full naked splendour. That alone would have the turnstiles in a blur; were Hayward to be bowling to Kemp, armed with nothing but a cricket bat and a steely glare, the gladiatorial contest of it all would be quite magnificent. Cricket reduced to its bare essentials, Colosseum meets Beau Brummel over four or five searing days. Granted, some of the more rotund players may have mild reservations, but if Kepler's assertions on weight gains were true, then what better way to encourage Smith and Kallis to ease back on the quarter pounders with cheese?
The more conservative amongst you may hesitate to embrace such free-thinking, but it simply can't fail — I ran the theory past Mike Haysman, who not only expressed delight at the idea of seeing Kosie Venter in his natural splendour, but confessed that during the Australia series, he and a couple of colleagues would occasionally slip out of their SuperSport uniforms, and engage in a little nude commentary, which is heartening indeed.
Read the complete article here.
…- the key solution has to be more nudity.
Imagine the thrill of watching Hayward tear in from the Umgeni End in full naked splendour. That alone would have the turnstiles in a blur; were Hayward to be bowling to Kemp, armed with nothing but a cricket bat and a steely glare, the gladiatorial contest of it all would be quite magnificent. Cricket reduced to its bare essentials, Colosseum meets Beau Brummel over four or five searing days. Granted, some of the more rotund players may have mild reservations, but if Kepler's assertions on weight gains were true, then what better way to encourage Smith and Kallis to ease back on the quarter pounders with cheese?
The more conservative amongst you may hesitate to embrace such free-thinking, but it simply can't fail — I ran the theory past Mike Haysman, who not only expressed delight at the idea of seeing Kosie Venter in his natural splendour, but confessed that during the Australia series, he and a couple of colleagues would occasionally slip out of their SuperSport uniforms, and engage in a little nude commentary, which is heartening indeed.
Read the complete article here.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Friday, April 07, 2006
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Police Comments
The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."
#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"
#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC.."
#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
And.................... THE BEST ONE !
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."
#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"
#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC.."
#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
And.................... THE BEST ONE !
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Missing Wife
A man goes into the police station and says he wants to file a missing person's report. The officer at the desk asks him what his relationship to the missing person is and he says it's his wife. The officer asks when the last time the man saw his wife and he replied that it had been three days. The officer asked if she had ever been missing like this before ane the man said no. Then the officer asked if the two of them had an argument and the man replied,
"I'm not really sure...she had just told me the other day that we had to cut back on expenses, and that I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a six pack on the occasional weeknight and maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but then I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and I looked at the receipt and saw she had bought $45 worth of makeup!
So I said, "Wait a minute, that's not fair, I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "But this wasn't just for me, I bought that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
So I told her, "Hell, that's what the BEER was for!!!" --and that's when she left the house..."
"I'm not really sure...she had just told me the other day that we had to cut back on expenses, and that I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a six pack on the occasional weeknight and maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but then I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and I looked at the receipt and saw she had bought $45 worth of makeup!
So I said, "Wait a minute, that's not fair, I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "But this wasn't just for me, I bought that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
So I told her, "Hell, that's what the BEER was for!!!" --and that's when she left the house..."
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Go to Town
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you only wearing your gun, hat and boots?"
The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her ... so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.. so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, ‘Now go to town cowboy... ‘
...So, here I am."
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you only wearing your gun, hat and boots?"
The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her ... so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.. so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, ‘Now go to town cowboy... ‘
...So, here I am."
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Wanna hear a blonde joke?
A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the barman, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir,I think it is only fair... given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. One of the bar staff is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight-lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,"Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir,I think it is only fair... given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. One of the bar staff is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight-lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,"Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Shin Deep
A pirate captain was on the look out for buried treasure. After months of hard sailing, day in and day out, his ship caught site of land, the land to which his treasure map had been leading. He and his first mate disembarked on the island to search out the buried treasure, which was supposed to lay hidden deep within a swamp at the center of the island.
Sure enough, at the center of the island was a swamp, and the Captain and his first mate bravely entered the swamp. Soon the swamp began to get deeper, and the priate's feet, then ankles, and finally entire leg below the knees was covered in swamp.
It was at that time that the Captain banged his shin against something hard. He reached down, searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest. Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels beyond imagination.
The Captain turned to his first mate and said, "Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye, that booty is only shin deep!"
Sure enough, at the center of the island was a swamp, and the Captain and his first mate bravely entered the swamp. Soon the swamp began to get deeper, and the priate's feet, then ankles, and finally entire leg below the knees was covered in swamp.
It was at that time that the Captain banged his shin against something hard. He reached down, searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest. Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels beyond imagination.
The Captain turned to his first mate and said, "Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye, that booty is only shin deep!"
Friday, March 10, 2006
The Bet
A deaf-mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his penis on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, then picks up both bills and stuffs them into his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, then picks up both bills and stuffs them into his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Difference Between Girls
What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?
At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!
At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Interesting Statements
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
- Lillian Carter (mother of 39th President, Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
- Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
- Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
- Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
- Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
- Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
- Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- WC Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
- Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
- Lillian Carter (mother of 39th President, Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
- Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
- Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
- Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
- Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
- Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
- Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- WC Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
- Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
The Witness
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his beautiful young wife in bed with an older man. The husband put a gun to the man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Yankee Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his beautiful young wife in bed with an older man. The husband put a gun to the man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Yankee Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
Swiss Chocolate
A man from Switzerland is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.
He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."
Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.
He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."
Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.
He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."
Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.
He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."
Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Ohhh......!!!!!!!!!!
Ever noticed how deleting one word after the other in a sentence in English can lead to a nice story? Here's an example:
Oh John please don't touch me at all...!
Oh John please don't touch me at...!
Oh John please don't touch...!
Oh John please don't...!
Oh John please...!
Oh John..!
Ohhh......!!!!!!!!!!
Oh John please don't touch me at all...!
Oh John please don't touch me at...!
Oh John please don't touch...!
Oh John please don't...!
Oh John please...!
Oh John..!
Ohhh......!!!!!!!!!!
Some things are sacred!
Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt, but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."
They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I’ve been so conscience-stricken since you told me but, since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."
The husband froze at the top of his back swing, and then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.
He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul, and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees!"
His wife was hurt, but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."
They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I’ve been so conscience-stricken since you told me but, since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."
The husband froze at the top of his back swing, and then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.
He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul, and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees!"
Sunday, February 26, 2006
The Old Rooster
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "Ok old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.”
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story? ... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.”
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story? ... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS
Moral of the Story
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.”
"What's the morale of that story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Sarah."
“Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f*** away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.”
"What's the morale of that story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Sarah."
“Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f*** away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."
Preacher's Ass
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go.
Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go.
Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
The Sea by Kids
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A Dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 6)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
There are a lot of suckers in the ocean. The Mafia put them there. (Russ age 5)
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A Dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 6)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
There are a lot of suckers in the ocean. The Mafia put them there. (Russ age 5)
Birth Control Pills
A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman patient for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told the woman to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
The Vacation
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time there, he'd finally managed to have an affair with the innkeeper's virgin daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, and then stopped short.There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin.' We decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, and then stopped short.There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin.' We decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Victoria's Secret
A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the sheerer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
The funeral is on Saturday.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
The funeral is on Saturday.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Past and Present
An elderly couple are enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern, you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There was a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are jumping around like eighteen-year-olds. This went on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, Ohhh!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed! He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggled to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple passed, he said to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There was a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are jumping around like eighteen-year-olds. This went on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, Ohhh!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed! He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggled to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple passed, he said to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"
Friday, February 10, 2006
Pedro and Maria
Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a "man about town" so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.
Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said, "Oh Pedro, what is that?"
Pedro being very quick thinking said, "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these." And then proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy.
The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.
"Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too."
Thinking fast Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those."
Marie being very stupid accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night.
Pedro went off to work again the next morning and when he returned home Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.
Pedro said, "Maria, what is the matter now?"
"Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!"
Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said, "Oh Pedro, what is that?"
Pedro being very quick thinking said, "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these." And then proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy.
The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.
"Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too."
Thinking fast Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those."
Marie being very stupid accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night.
Pedro went off to work again the next morning and when he returned home Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.
Pedro said, "Maria, what is the matter now?"
"Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!"
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Friday, February 03, 2006
Look What You Eat
A Louisiana man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when a Texas man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Louisiana man politely ignored the Texan, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.
The Texan snapped his gum and said, "You Louisiana folk eat the whole bread?"
The Louisiana man frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The Texan blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In Texas we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Louisiana." The Texan had a smirk on his face. The Louisiana man listened in silence.
The Texan persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?" Sighing, the Louisiana man replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Texan said, "We don't. In Texas, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Louisiana."
The Louisiana man then asked, "Do you have sex in Texas?" The Texan smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The Louisiana man leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course," said the Texan.
Now it was the Louisiana man's turn to smile. "We don't. In Louisiana, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the Texans."
The Texan snapped his gum and said, "You Louisiana folk eat the whole bread?"
The Louisiana man frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The Texan blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In Texas we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Louisiana." The Texan had a smirk on his face. The Louisiana man listened in silence.
The Texan persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?" Sighing, the Louisiana man replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Texan said, "We don't. In Texas, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Louisiana."
The Louisiana man then asked, "Do you have sex in Texas?" The Texan smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The Louisiana man leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course," said the Texan.
Now it was the Louisiana man's turn to smile. "We don't. In Louisiana, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the Texans."
Listen to the Whole Story
Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, Johnny followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself, he ran home and started to tell his mother.
"Mommy I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane . . . ."
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny this is such an interesting story suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight".
At the dinner table Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army".
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
"Mommy I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane . . . ."
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny this is such an interesting story suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight".
At the dinner table Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army".
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
Who can possibly understand men?
- The nice men are ugly.
- The handsome men are not nice.
- The handsome and nice men are gay.
- The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
- The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
- The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
- The handsome men without money are after our money.
- The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
- The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
- The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER make the first move!
- The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
Who can possibly understand men?
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
Oneliners
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
> 100 people who don't do dick.
What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
> They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!
How is a woman like a condom?
> Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
Why is air a lot like sex?
> Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
> You push it aside and keep on eating!
> 100 people who don't do dick.
What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
> They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!
How is a woman like a condom?
> Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
Why is air a lot like sex?
> Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
> You push it aside and keep on eating!
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Snow in the Caribbean
A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her.
Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?"
"I can't tell you!" the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"
"I can't because you will make fun of me!" the black man says.
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies.
And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it".
The lady replied, "I'm not laughing at you. It's my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of 'Snow' everyday in the Caribbean!"
Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?"
"I can't tell you!" the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"
"I can't because you will make fun of me!" the black man says.
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies.
And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it".
The lady replied, "I'm not laughing at you. It's my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of 'Snow' everyday in the Caribbean!"
The Therapy
Two women were having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend.
"That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda.
"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!” responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked.
"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.
"But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend.
"That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda.
"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!” responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked.
"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.
"But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."
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