Thursday, January 20, 2005

The Salesman Ladka

Ek bar ek showroom mein salesman ke liye interview ho rahe the. Ek ladka bhi interview dene ayaa. Ladke ko angrezi aati nahin thi, to usko manager - ne reject kar diya.

Ladke ne manager se kaha, "Aapko sale se matlab hona chahiye angrezi se kya? Aap mujhe chance dein, agar sale badh jaye to salary dena nahi to hata dena". Manager ko baat janch gayi. Ladke ko Naukari par rakh liya gaya.

Phir kya tha, doosare din se hi sale dugani, teesare din tiguni aurr daily sale badne lagi. Showroom ke malik ko pata laga, usne manager se kaha, is naye ladke se mujhe milna hai.

Malik showroom par aaya, usne dekha ladka ek customer ko fishing-rod bech raha tha. Woh door khada ho kar hi usko customer se deal karte dekhne lagaa.

Ladke ne fishing-rod bech di. customer ne kaha kitne rupaye, ladka bola Rs.800/-. Yeh kahkar ladke ne customer ke shoes dekhe aur bola, "Itne mehange shoes pahankar fishing karne jayenge? ek sport shoe bhi kharid lijiye", customer ne sport shoes bhi kharid liye.

Ab ladke ne kaha "Talaab kinare dhoop mein baithna padega, ek cap bhi kharid lijiye to theek rehega", customer ne cap bhi kharid li.

Ab ladke ne kaha, "Machli pakadne mein bahut intezar karna padega, kuchch - eatables, wafer , biscuits, bhi le jayiye", customer ne woh bhi kharid liye.

Ladka bola "Machli pakdenge to rakhenge kahan ? yeh ek Rs.100/- ki basket bhi le lijiye", customer ne woh bhi kharid li.

Ab total bill bana Rs.2000/- ka.

Malik bahut khush hua. Usne ladke ko bulaya aur kaha, "Tum to kamal ke salesman ho. Woh aadmi fishing rod kharidane ayaa tha aur tumane usey itna sara samaan bech diya, very good".

Ladka bola, "Woh aadmi to 'Carefree sanitary pack' khridane ayaa tha, maine kaha, 'Char din tu ghar par kya karega, Machli pakad'".

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Stressed and Lonely

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road . . . . . . having a Christmas party Friday night . . . . . . . thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great!” says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks! Thank you!"

As Lars is leaving, he stops, ”Gotta warn you . . . . . there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem!" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em!"

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, thanks again!"

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Whatever you want . . . . . . . just gonna be the two of us."

Thursday, January 06, 2005

A Scientific 'Get-Together'

One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to try to get a cute coil to let him discharge.

He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride in his megacycle. They rode across Wheatstone bridge, around the sine wave and stopped in a magnetic field by a flowing current.....

Micro farad, attracted by Millie's characteristic curves, decided to engage in a little mutual inductance, and soon had her resistance at a minimum and his field fully excited.

He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her capacitance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it into her tank circuit, connecting them in parallel, and began to short circuit her shunt.

Fully excited, Millie Amp cried, 'MHO, MHO, it Hertz, but give me MHO'. With his tube operation at maximum amplitude, and her coil vibrating from the current flow, they soon reached plate saturation and found their cut-off point. The heavy current flow had gotten the anodes of her tubes hot and Micro farad was rapidly discharged and drained off every electron.

They fluxed all night, trying various connections and sockets until his bar magnet had lost all of its field strength and her grid was leaking.

Afterwards, Millie Amp tried self induction and damaged her solenoids. With his battery fully discharged and his contacts corroded, Micro farad was unable to excite his generator, so they ended by reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Three Men

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."


1) Cover your stump before you hump

2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie

4) When in doubt shroud you spout

5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner

6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong

7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it

8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey

9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter

10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize

11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick

12) If you go into heat, package your meat

13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis

14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse

15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member

16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker

17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool

18) The right selection, is to protect your erection

19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil

20) A crank with armor, will never harm her

21) If you really love her, wear a cover

22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake

23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener

24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket

25) No glove, no love

26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye

27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver

28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax

29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt

30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown

31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam

32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed

33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink

34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground

35) Cloak the joker before you poke her

36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch

37) Cape your throbber before you bob her

38) After detection sheath your erection

39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate

40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser

41) Cover that lumber before you pump her

42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle

43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle

44) House your noodle then release your strudel

45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound

46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey

47) Cage that snake then shake and bake

48) Cover your peter it will be much neater

49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore

50) It's always funky to cage your monkey

51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy

52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb

53) It's not much money to catch your honey

54) Don't be a fool cover your tool

55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch

56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche

57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool

58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive

59) Contain that sputum before you use him

60) Restrain your log then plow her bog

61) Glove your pecker before you check her

62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her

63) Condomize then womanize (or sodomize)

64) Cover old pete then grind her meat

65) Guard your peter before you meet her

66) Check your list before you tryst

67) Wrap your bate before you mate

68) Can your worm before you squirm

69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe

70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard

71) Bag the mole then do her hole

72) Cuff your carrot before you share it

73) Jail your number then call the plumber

74) Cover your vein then drive her insane

75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle

76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink

77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern

78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry

79) Wrap that spout then bore her out

80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain

81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge >

82) Shroud your trout then make her shout

83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky

84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers

85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout

86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel

87) Cover your steamer before you ream her

88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish

89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass

90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret

91) Clothe the boner before you hone her

92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!

93) Cork your pump or you don't hump

94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs

95) Dress that erection to make a deflection

96) Contain that shanker before you spank her

97) Cap that seeder before you breed her

98) Stop the stream before you cream

99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder

100) Protect your screw to catch that glue

101) Package your meat for a real neat treat

102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun

103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her

104) Garage the tractor then attack her

105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her

106) Sock that wanger before you bang her

107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser

108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good

109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke

110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate

111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate

112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates

113) Catch that goat before it bloats

114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen

115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her

116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk

117) Wrap that rod then please her bod

118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife

119) House that bottle then mash her throttle

120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash

121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle

122) Can your knob then throb her swab

123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug

124) Cover your limb before you swim

125) Retain your bailer then impail her

126) Rope your dope then make some soap

127) Net your salamander then make salad in her

128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper

129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds

130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft

131) Cover your stone before you bone

132) House your hose then curl her toes

133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass

134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch

135) Shield your rocks then pond her box

136) Cover old sly then do her dry

137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail

138) Glove your chimney before you come in me

139) If your nude tube your dude

140) Cloak your hitter then go split her

141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her

142) Can your spam then bam that mam

143) Corral your ram then slice her ham

144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver

145) Twist your wick then stick that prick

146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart

147) Shed old spot then do her slot

148) Drawer your pip then split her lips

149) Contain that leach then mash her peach

150) Bag your elm then take the helm

151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem

152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these

153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot

154) Survey your land then plant her stand

155) Before you drive her protect that diver

156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt

157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her

158) Cover you post then slice her roast

159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey

160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon

161) Contain that viper before you pipe her

Dog and the Mother-in-Law

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!"

The Sister-in-Law

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

One Liners

Q. How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist?

A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

Q. What's six inches long that women love?

A. Folding money.

Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.

Q. What is the new gay website address?

A. c : enter ### (see colon enter pound pound pound).

Q. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?

A. Speed bumps.

Q. What's got four legs and one arm?

A. A Rottweiler.

Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?

A. When you open her legs the lights go on.

Q. When does a cub become a boy scout?

A. When he eats his first Brownie.

Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?

A. Very satisfying.

Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?

A. He was half nuts!!!

Q. What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?

A. Collecting her thoughts.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A: Ask your mom.

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A: Wiped his ass.

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?

A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

A: Full.

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: How is a woman like a condom?

A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?

A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?

A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?

A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Q: What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?

A: Odor eaters

Q: Why do men name their penis?

A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

A: Snowballs.

Q: Why do women have vaginas?

A: So men will talk to them.

Q: Why do only 30% of men get into Heaven?

A: If it were more, it would be Hell.

Q: What is the new gay website address?

A: c : enter # # #

Q: Why do men like big tits and tight pussy?

A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.

Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?

A: About three inches.

Q: Why don't women have any brains?

A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in.

Q: What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?

A: Her feet!

Q: What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist?

A: A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush.

Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

A: Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.

Q: Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?

A: So he could run his fingers through his hair.

Q: Whats the difference between a microwave and a woman.

A: A microwave doesn't scream when you put a piece of meat in it.

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?

A: Sheep.

Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A: A different bar.

Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.

Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A: A speech impediment.

Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?

A: They're hiring.

Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

A: Because they're not going to work in the future, either.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

A: He walks around saying, "Yo".

Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A: A pimp.

Q: Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?

A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?

A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?

A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?

A: A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?

A: Say, "Nice dick."

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?

A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?

A: An itchy, twitchy twat.

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?

A: Only if they don't work.

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?

A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?

A: A cock that stays up all night.

Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?

A: Miracle Whip.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A: A bingo machine.

The Farmer

There were two farmers on a farm. One farmer was sitting in the kitchen when the other one came in from the barn with a glass of white liquid. He was so excited because he had just milked a cow. Then he took a big drink from the glass.

The other farmer just stared at him and said, 'We don't have a cow, we have a bull.'

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Chocolate Ice Cream

A man walks into the local ice cream parlor and tells the attendant he wants a gallon of vanilla, a gallon of strawberry and a gallon of chocolate ice cream.

"Sorry" says the attendant, "we're all out of chocolate ice cream."

"In that case" says the man, "I'll have a pint of vanilla, a pint of strawberry and a pint of chocolate."

"I told you we don't have any chocolate ice cream, buddy" says the attendant, becoming slightly annoyed.

"OK, in that case" says the man, "I'll have a scoop of vanilla, a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate."

"Look, mister, what does the V-A-N in vanilla spell?"

"Van" he replies, "But what does that have to do with ice cream?"

"Never mind, what does the S-T-R-A-W in strawberry spell?"

"Straw" he answers, "But I still don't understand what this has got to do with my getting the ice cream I want?"

"What does the F-U-C-K in chocolate spell?" asks the attendant.

"Wait a minute" says the man, "there's no fuck in chocolate!"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you - there's no fuckin' chocolate dick brain, now get out of my store."

Men in the John

EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips his shorts.

SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.

CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later.

INDIFFERENT: All urinals being in use, he pisses in the sink.

CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor.

WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes a quick inspection.

FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.

ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out his tie, pisses in his pants.

CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows the man in the next stall will get blamed.

PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

DESPERATE: Waits in a long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, and then does both.

FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses on shoes.

LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

DISGRUNTED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

CONCEITED: Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.