Friday, December 21, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon
realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have
it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked!,
"What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from
my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina
is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with
you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
single day. Read till end.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. The ship has 1600
passengers on it. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm
DEAR DIARY .. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales
and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be.
I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffleboarding and
hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at
his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is
a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino . did OK ... won about $80. The Captain
invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious
meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night
but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my
DEAR DIARY ... DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go
to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw
me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman.
He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He
told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the
ship. I was appalled.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today . . .four times !!!!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few
occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog
moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel
chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and
Monday, December 10, 2007
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,
sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of
cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange
them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put
into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears
covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears
running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large
collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she
finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her
in his arms and carries her into his bedroom.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more
creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense,
explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying
there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well,how
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her
eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
Thursday, December 06, 2007
trouble interacting with the villiagers. Finally he corners one of them
and asks why they won't talk to him.
The villiager responds that he has not been initiated as a man. He ask's
what do I have to do?
The villiager says, first you have to drink 2 bottles of Russian Vodka,
then you have to go into a cave and kill a polar bear with your bear
hands, then to seal your induction into manhood you have to make love
for 10 hours straight with one of our women.
The man says he will do it. That night there's a big party to initiate
the stranger. Everyone sits around the fire and they pass him a bottle
of Vodka. He down's about half without much trouble, bet the second half
is much more difficult. Finally he finishes it, and they pass him
another. He finally manages to finish off the second bottle and the
crowd claps and sings. Then he tried to get up but fell over drunk.
The Cheif picks him up and points him in the direction of the polar bear
cave. He staggers over and climbs in. Suddenly there's a huge commotion
from within the cave. Bears growling and him screaming and wailing in
pain. Half an hour later he stumbles out of the cave, Torn to shreds,
bloodied, and half dead. He turns to the crowd and drunkenly says,
"Okeee now where's the woman I gotta kill?"
Monday, December 03, 2007
he intended to retire and raise some cattle, do some hunting and a bit
So after all his friends and family had visited, I took a trip out to
see it from Florida and to have a little R&R while checking out the
I asked Jack if the ranch had a name. "Well," said my would-be-cowboy
friend, "I wanted to call it the Bar-JH. My wife Pat, favored the
Patsy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy
-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-JH-Patsy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y ranch."
I had looked about the place, seen some deer in the woods, the out
buildings and a pasture with a bull, the barn with a few horses, but had
not come across any stock.
Later in the day, while enjoying a taste of some Jack Daniels at my
guest's well stocked bar, and relaxing in the nicely appointed main
house, I enquired, " Jack, I looked around but I haven't seen any of
Jack took a big sip of his golden libation and moaned, "Well so far,
none of the damn cows have survived the branding."
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
Thursday, November 29, 2007
her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared
and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied
that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to
help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped
His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble
studded with rubies.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied,
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the
water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why
are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is
this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an
untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you
would have come up with Brad Pitt.
Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had
I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in
the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three
husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and
honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story,
and we're sticking to it.
All the Women
father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her,
"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days
later, she became his stepmother.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's
mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird ' s attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In
desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John ' s outstretched arms and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
John was stunned at the change in the bird ' s attitude.
He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behavior, when the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad."
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish mowing your lawn."
every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty
quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid.'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther,
I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter is fifty quid, and
fifty quid is fifty quid.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one
word, it's fifty quid.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He
did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did
everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty quid is fifty quid.'
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads in the back seat some
distance from town. Things were getting hot and steamy when the girl
stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a
prostitute and I charge $20 for sex."
The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly
paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just
sat in the drivers seat looking out the window.
"Why arent we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"I should have mentioned this before, but Im actually a taxi driver, and
the fare back to town is $25!"
Friday, November 02, 2007
Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell
them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything
The farmers lived sixty miles apart. They agreed to drive thirty miles
each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m.,
loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only
vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, 'How will I know
if they are pregnant?'
The other farmer replied, 'If they're in the grass in the morning,
they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not.'
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off,
loaded them into the family station wagon again and repeated the
This continued each morning for more than a week.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.
He called to his wife, 'Honey, please look outside and tell me whether
the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.'
'Neither,' yelled his wife, 'They're in the station wagon and one of
them is honking the horn.'
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend
some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with
them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot
where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big
smile said: 'Do you men know Jesus Christ?'
They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers
looked up into the steelworks and yelled, 'Anybody up there know Jesus
One of the steelworkers yelled down 'Why'?
The worker yelled back, 'His wife's here with his lunch!'
She says, "That's it, I'm leaving & never coming back."
He says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"
She shrugs & says, "Fine, let's hear your story. This had better be
He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young lady
in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying.I took pity on her and
asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house.She climbed into
my truck and I brought her home.
"She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you
anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you 2 years ago that
you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought & wore only twice.
"I gave her some of the roast beef in the fridge, that you never used.
Then I showed her to the door.
"She was so grateful for all these things, she thanked me profusely and
as she was about to leave she turned around and asked me ...
'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore????'"
faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on
the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped
in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was
wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin
them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a
wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next
day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet
and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to
suspect the worst.. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
stuck to her butt that said..... "From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you."
was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all
day, is it?"
His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds - AND IT BETTER BE
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there
was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife
put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
front of the casket.
At the end of the eulogies, the big heart open up and swallowed the
A person sitting in the back began to laugh. Everyone turned around to
look at him. "Well," he said, "I was just wondering what it would be
like at my funeral. I am a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
make his Confession; the first time in many decades.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and
asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You
have no need to confess it."
"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to
repay me with sexual favors."
"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal
conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question?"
"What, my son?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You're welcome here as long as you
like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the
Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5
Years. You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food." said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that
the food would be better in the future.
On her 15 anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister
Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
It's probably best," said the Priest, "you've done nothing but bitch
since you got here.
nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they
had to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish
facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asked the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said
Grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the
wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the
residents here," Grandpa said with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the
violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! There is a
judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30
years, and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'! And there's a
physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for
25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!
And me...., I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The
Friday, October 26, 2007
She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver
won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"Ok" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a
When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's ok. My name's Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man
'Oh yeah? And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, .. 'Those little bastards.....'
Thursday, October 25, 2007
charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
"You b*stard!" yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.
"You're also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer,"
says the judge.
"B*stard!" the same person yells.
The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom. "Sir,
one more outburst and I'll charge you with contempt."
"I'm sorry, Your Honor," says the man. "But I've been this bastard's
neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he
said he didn't have one."
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out
looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four
A British doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we
can take a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have him out
looking for work in two weeks."
The American doc, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way
behind! We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to
Washington where she will become President, and half the country will be
out looking for work in less than a week!"
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago; he hasn't even looked for a
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his
buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like
me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
- Desperate in NY...
Grow up and dump the jerk.
Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore!
You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of
the United States. Act like one!
interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The
discussion came around to deer hunting.
The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head
of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it
'Are you the one that killed my brother?' '
Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they
care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw
next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the
The interview ended at that point.
was moving from an insurance claims office. Okay so this is how I
imagine this conversation went:)
Walmart Employee: "Hello ~dis Walmarts, how can I help you?
Customer: I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.
Walmart Employee: What you want on the cake?
Customer: Best Wishes Suzanne and underneath that We will miss you.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake
up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming
up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible
conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9
cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
"MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem mad in the least. Whew, I got away with
Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'Oh! crap' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Monday, September 17, 2007
"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."
The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.
Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
Friday, September 07, 2007
The teacher than proceeded to explain: “Do you have a weed eater?”
“Yes,” replied the guy.
“You have a weed eater, which means you have a lawn, which means you have a house, which means you have kids, which means you have a wife, which means you’re straight.”
When he got out of class, he met with his friend who asked him what logical reasoning was about.
“Well,” said the guy. “Do you have a weed eater?”
“No,” replied the friend.
“”Then you’re gay!”
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
- Mrs Smith, do you know who I am ?
To which the old lady replies:
- Of course I know who you are, Mr Johnson. I know you since you were a kid, and honestly speaking, you've become a huge dissapointment to your parents. You lie constantly, you think yourself qualified to give an opinion about anything, even if you don't have the slightest idea about the matter under discussion, you are prepotent, abusive, you cheat on your wife, and worst of all, it is said you've embezzled funds from the church. Yeah, I know who you are.
So the prosecutor is kind of rattled after that - and just to save face, it asks, while pointing to the defense lawyer:
- And do you know who he is?
To which the old lady now replies:
- Of course I do. I've also known Mr Williams since he was a child.
Everyone knows he got his law degree by cheating. He also gambles, doesn't pay alimony to his two previous wives, is the worst laywer in the whole county, it hasn't paid taxes in the last 10 years or so, and also cheats on his wife with three different women - one of them being your wife, by the way. Yeah, I know Mr Williams - his parents aren't very proud of him either.
The defense lawyer is about to have a stroke.
The judge calls both the prosecutor and the defense laywer to approach the bench, and whispers:
- If either one of you asks this old witch if she knows me, I'll send you straight to the electric chair
"Have you got any alligator shoes for sale?".
"Yes!" He replied, "They are $2, 500"
"I'm not paying that!" the shocked blonde exclaimed.
"I will go into the Everglades, catch an Alligator and get my own"
"Good luck!" said the amused assistant.
So the blonde walked out of the shop.
At 6 o'clock the assistant had finished work and was on his way home when he saw the blonde waist deep in water, holding a baseball bat.
He shouts over to the blonde;
"How are you doing?"
The blonde points over to a pile of dead alligators layed on the bank.
"I've killed 6 alligators and not one of them is wearing shoes!"
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow. Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night!", the Mailman comments.
Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so
drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a
hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
"The Mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times....!"
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."
"So, Mr. Lawrenson," the doctor said to one of his patients. "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"
The patient thought for a moment, then replied, "Well, I went to college and studied mechanical engineering. That's still a good field. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital - what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've developed an interest in lately."
Dr. Hansen nodded and said, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."
The patient replied, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."
Thursday, June 07, 2007
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know shit?"
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are
Monday, May 28, 2007
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends you were a wizard under the sheets."
The congregation roared, and the preacher fainted.
2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sabbath.
4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.
"Yes, in my younger days I did once" he said. "How about you, have you ever given into temptation and had sex?".
"Yes", the priest responded, when I was younger I had a brief affair".
"It's better than ham, isn't it?" said the rabbi.
This defect has been technically termed "Subsequential Internal Non-morality," or more commonly known by the acronym: "SIN"
Some symptoms include the following:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion
The Manufacturer is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect.
The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs.
There is no additional fee required.
The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.
Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE Procedure.
Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
9. Self control
Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers' Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will eventually result in the human unit being permanently impounded and destroyed.
- For free emergency service, call on Jesus.
DANGER: The human being units that do not respond to this recall action will be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.
Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice. You may contact The Manufacturer at any time via "knee-mail."
Thank you for your attention!
Among the speakers were many well-known and dynamic religious personalities. One boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He quickly followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he delivered the rest of his talk, which went over very well.
The next week, the country pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that same joke in his sermon. As he approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday morning, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a little foggy to him.
Nevertheless, he approached the microphone and said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the sanctuary. After standing there for almost ten seconds in the stunned silence, desperately trying to recall the second half of the joke, the frantic pastor blurted out, "....And I can't remember who she was!"
Friday, April 27, 2007
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said, "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"
Moral of the story: Don't tempt a woman, they are far too intelligent!!
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay," he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed." Have ! the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. They go home and hire a strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him triumphantly:
"You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel."
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
A: An Amish drive by shooting.
Q. How do you scare the s*** out of a man?
A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Q: What do you call a guinea pig with two rolls of duck tape on its back?
A: A slut.
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice Penis."
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."
This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well,God is both black and white."
This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when, to her great fortune.....Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
The young man complies and the cop says to him "I'll let you go on one condition.... that I am next.."
The young man is so terrified that his knees are shaking. The cop notices this and says to him "What are you so shaken up about?"
The young man replies, "I never made love to a cop before"