Thursday, April 30, 2009
A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely' in a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class.
But the teacher knows he's a troublemaker and that he doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim.
Jim replies, 'Due to the weather, school was cancelled indefinitely.'
'Good' the teacher replies. 'What about you Jenny?'
Jenny says, 'Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely.'
The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says,
"'As I felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was in definitely!"
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water I want to do it before Jessica sticks her bottom in it."
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".
"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see.......where did I put that useless boob?"
A lady walks into a hardware store and says she's looking for a hinge.
The manager comes over and asks the lady "Do you want a screw for the hinge?"
She replies "No but I'll Fuck you for the doorknob."
Peter's first date with Meg had gone well. As they sat in Peter's front seat on a remote country road, Meg made an announcement.
"I'm actually a prostitute," Meg warned. "If you want any action, it'll cost you $30."
"Well," Peter shot back, "I have to tell you something too. I'm actually a cab driver. If you want a ride back into the city, it'll cost you $50."
What's the only bad thing about the 69 position ? The view.
Husband: Shall we try a new position tonight?
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart!
An eight year old boy comes home from school and says "Daddy! Daddy! What is the difference between a pussy and a cunt?"
The dad says, "No, I cant tell you that! You're too young!"
The son goes, "NO I'm not daddy! Please tell me."
So the father says alright and takes the boy into the bedroom. When they walk into the room, the boys mother is fast asleep. So the dad pulls back the covers, and like always, the mother is lying there without any panties on.
The father points in between her legs and says, "You see that? That's a pussy!"
The son asks, "Oooo! Can I pat it?"
The father reply's, "NO! You'll wake up the cunt!"
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job? You know she'll swallow.
When is a pixie not a pixie? When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'
What's the definition of a Yankee? Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.
What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
Three words women hate to hear when having sex "Honey, I'm home!"
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off you wonder where her tits went
Friday, April 17, 2009
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, while questioning him about his life, she asked him how
he had sex
"Whats sex ?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.
"Here" she said, "you can put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, stepped closer and then gave Jane a horrific kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony..
Eventually she managed to grasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Tarzan not stupid first check for bees."
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
"Mom, can I ask you something?"
"Sure! What about?" replied mother.
"Well, I'm already fourteen and.. I think it's just proper that I should own one."
"Own 'one' what?" mother asked suspiciously.
"Could you buy me a push up bra?"
"But my nipples are already prominent and it catches attention."
"I think it would be just proper at my age..."
"I said no way...!"
"But all of my friends wear.......!"
"Morris! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?"
Friday, April 10, 2009
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Oh please, I want to be Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.
After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress' ok?"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and he delivered the line.......
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "you've ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "what happened, did I forget my line?"
"No you twat," screamed the director, "you forgot the rose..."