Friday, November 30, 2007

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Is this yours...?

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,
her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared
and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied
that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to
help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped
His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with
sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble
studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied,
"No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the
water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why
are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is
this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an
untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you
would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had
I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in
the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three
husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and
honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story,
and we're sticking to it.


Signed,
All the Women

Strategic Move

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath
away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her,
"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20
million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days
later, she became his stepmother.

Mom brought the cake

video

George's Words of Wisdom

 

Don't Park Your Vehicles for too Long

 

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

A Thanksgiving Story

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's
mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird ' s attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In
desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John ' s outstretched arms and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird ' s attitude.

He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behavior, when the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

My Conversation with Jesus

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka and cranberry along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.

I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"

And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."

I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."

And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad."

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"

He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish mowing your lawn."

The Helicopter Ride

Morris and his wife Esther went to the Yorkshire show every year, and
every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that
helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty
quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid.'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther,
I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get
another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter is fifty quid, and
fifty quid is fifty quid.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one
word, it's fifty quid.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He
did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did
everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm
Impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty quid is fifty quid.'

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Who came first?

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face
and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.

The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered
THAT question..."

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

On a back road...

This boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from
town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads in the back seat some
distance from town. Things were getting hot and steamy when the girl
stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a
prostitute and I charge $20 for sex."

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly
paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just
sat in the drivers seat looking out the window.

"Why arent we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"I should have mentioned this before, but Im actually a taxi driver, and
the fare back to town is $25!"

Naughty Baby

Cheeky Baby

Monday, November 12, 2007

Friday, November 02, 2007

The Five Little Pigs

A farmer had five female pigs.

Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell
them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything
50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart. They agreed to drive thirty miles
each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m.,
loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only
vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, 'How will I know
if they are pregnant?'

The other farmer replied, 'If they're in the grass in the morning,
they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not.'

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off,
loaded them into the family station wagon again and repeated the
process.

This continued each morning for more than a week.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.

He called to his wife, 'Honey, please look outside and tell me whether
the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.'

'Neither,' yelled his wife, 'They're in the station wagon and one of
them is honking the horn.'