Thursday, April 27, 2006

Mother of All Conclusions

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

Amazing Conclusion:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Top 10

Top 10 things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do a split.

7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

6. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes

5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.

3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.

And the # 1 thing a man would do is:

1. Finally find that damn G-spot.


Top 10 things woman would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal.

6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may be to others.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the reason for the light refraction that occurs between man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member.

And the # 1 thing a woman would do is:

1. Repeat # 9.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Women Who Read

While on a family outing at the lake, the husband returned to the campsite after several hours of fishing and told his wife that he needed to take a short nap. The fishing made him tired.

With the kids away hiking, the wife was bored just sitting around their campsite, so she decided to take the boat out to get some sun. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and laid back to read a book.

Before long, the game warden came by in his boat and pulled it along side the woman's boat. "Good afternoon, Ma'am," he said. "What are you doing?"

The woman felt that it was obvious what she was doing. Nevertheless she responded to the question. "I’m reading a book."

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area, Ma'am," the game warden informed her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," the woman said.

The game warden scratched his head. "But I haven't touched you."

"That's true, but you have all the equipment, and for all I know you could start at any moment."

The game warden spit in the water, started his boat's motor, and eased it into reverse.

"Have a nice day ma'am," he smiled. "Enjoy your book."

MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Most Professions are Dirty

The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."

The Dentist because he says, "Open wide."

The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"

The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."

The Mailman because he always delivers his package.

The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

Not a Sin

"Father", the man at confession says,"Forgive me for I have sinned. The other day I saw me wife bent over the freezer an' I was overcome with lust, I was, Father, an' I had me evil and wicked way with her there an' then, I did, Father."

"This was your own wife you are talking about is it my son?" asks the priest.

"Aye Father, it was."

"Well then, my son, you have not committed any sin at all," replies the priest.

"Are ye sure, Father?"

"Of course I'm sure. You are allowed to give way to your carnal desires with your own wife," the priest reassures him.

"So, I'll still get into heaven then?" asks the man.

"Yes, of course you will," says the priest.

"An' I'll still be allowed into Church?" asks the man.

"Of course. You will be most welcome," replies the priest.

"Oh. Thank goodness," says the man, "'cos I don’t think they'll let me in Wal-Mart again!"

The Mistake

A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then, realizing her mistake, says, "Well, that's great...just great... some asshole's got my pen".

Can you hear me..?

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have that much money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother,"

The man arched an eyebrow (as you might expect), "Anything?", he asked. "Yes, yes, anything," the blonde promised.

"Well then, just follow me," said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed him.

"Come in and close the door," the man said. She did.

"Now get on your knees." She did.

"Now take down my zipper." She did.

"Now go ahead...take it out...," he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands...then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well, go ahead..."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...

"Hello, Mom...can you hear me?"

Apartment Rent

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for eight hundred thousand. So they do what is worth eight waya yacho.  

Before he leaves, "Darling I don't have any cash now, but I will write a cheque a mail it to you calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT'"

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the prize. So he writes a cheque for two hundred thousand and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed you will find a cheque of two hundred thousand for the rent of your apartment. I'm not sending the amount agreed upon becoz when I rented the apartment I had the impression that:  

                1) it had never been occupied
                2) that there was plenty of heat
                3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However I have found that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat and that it was extemely too large that you could easily get lost inside.

Upon receipt of the note the girl immediately returned the cheque and enclosed the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I don't understand how! you would expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. There is plenty of heat in the apartment only that you don't know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space Sir, the apartment is indeed of regular size. You see if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

Please send the rent in full or I will be forced to contact your present landlady!

He Said/She Said

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said....Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey; I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said....It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.

He said....Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said...That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

Arrested for Laughing

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant.

She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

The case was dismissed

A Young Wife's Diary

Monday:

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

Tuesday:

We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

Wednesday:

I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday:

Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, and then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.

Friday:

Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again; it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:

Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes.

I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance.

When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out, "Why me? Why me?"

Hmmm....It must be his job.

Teeth Down Under

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.

While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.

When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO!" he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there."

"Yes there are," he says, "my Mom told me so"

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I'm sorry" he says, "But my Mom told me that ALL women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

Side Effect

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?” asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to  sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection, I also get  a headache."

A Dog Named Sex

It's Not You...

The Angry Face

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your wife's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"And how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked very angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.

"Well that's very interesting; we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your wife's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

Necrophilia

A man was brought before the judge and charged with necrophilia (making love to a dead woman).

The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't  lock you up and throw away the key!"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:

    #1, It's none of your damn business;

    #2, She was my wife; and.....

    #3, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!!!!!"

The Frog Demo

A young lady goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her
way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions and reads them very carefully.

She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to follow its training.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.

She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the lady calls the pet store.

The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The lady welcomes him in and says "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:

"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time...."

Urinalysis

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.  It will improve in two weeks.”

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Nude cricket a must

Dan Nicholl comes up with an ingenuous proposition for injecting a little life into very forlorn stands in domestic games. Nudity!

…- the key solution has to be more nudity.

Imagine the thrill of watching Hayward tear in from the Umgeni End in full naked splendour. That alone would have the turnstiles in a blur; were Hayward to be bowling to Kemp, armed with nothing but a cricket bat and a steely glare, the gladiatorial contest of it all would be quite magnificent. Cricket reduced to its bare essentials, Colosseum meets Beau Brummel over four or five searing days. Granted, some of the more rotund players may have mild reservations, but if Kepler's assertions on weight gains were true, then what better way to encourage Smith and Kallis to ease back on the quarter pounders with cheese?

The more conservative amongst you may hesitate to embrace such free-thinking, but it simply can't fail — I ran the theory past Mike Haysman, who not only expressed delight at the idea of seeing Kosie Venter in his natural splendour, but confessed that during the Australia series, he and a couple of colleagues would occasionally slip out of their SuperSport uniforms, and engage in a little nude commentary, which is heartening indeed.

Read the complete article here.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Police Comments

The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC.."

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And.................... THE BEST ONE !

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."