Thursday, February 26, 2009

The Fortuneteller

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortuneteller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. 
"Ah...." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball.  "I see you are the father of two children." 
"Hah, what a scam you fortune tellers are," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of *three* children."  
The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think... " 

Too Drunk

Mark came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. 'Who the hell are you?' Demanded Mark, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'.
The mysterious Man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm The Devil'.
Mark was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away'.
The Devil replied 'Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Mark was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'
It's not so bad' replies Mark, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode'.
You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before'.
'Never' replies Mark
'Well just relax and let it happen'
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting
Mark, wake up you drunken idiot, you're shitting on the bed'.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009


There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

  After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, ‘If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!’

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’ He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. 
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. 
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!

Why ???

Everyone knows…

You can’t kill Two Birds with OneStone

Are we too old yet?

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was
down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The
boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his
office puzzled by the question.

 As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and
zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage

 He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my
garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

 She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two
flat tires.'

 An elderly gentleman....
 Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor
and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
 The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you
can hear again.'
 The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet..
 I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will
three times!'

 Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old
now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do
you feel?'
 Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
 The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a
new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
 The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
 The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of
that flower you give to someone you love?
 You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
 'Do you mean a rose?'
 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen
and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last

 Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who
insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
 After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
the elevator.
 On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
out of her hospital gown.'

 Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but
they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

 Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she
 'No, I can remember it.'
 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it
down, so's not to forget it?'
 He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.. '
 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
down?' she asks.
 Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
 Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
 The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon
and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
 'Where's my toast ?'

 A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
 'So I hear you're getting married?'
 'Do I know her?'
 'This woman, is she good looking?'
 'Not really.'
 'Is she a good cook?'
 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
 'Does she have lots of money?'
 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
 'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
 'I don't know.'
 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
 'Because she can still drive!'

 Three old guys are out walking.
 First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
 Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
 Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

 A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
 'Twelve thirty.'

 Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
 A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
 A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
really doing great, aren't you?'
 Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
 The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;
be careful.'

 One more. . .!

 A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he
ordered a banana split.
 The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Funny Bone

1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....

Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'

Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

4. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential? ' Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '

6. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'

Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .'

Wise Sage


Most Unfortunate Town Names


Michaelangelo's David - After 2 year stay in the USA


Why Frankie goes Bear Hunting?

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska , spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, ' That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I ' m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex. '

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, ' That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex. '

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said,
'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you? '

When cigarettes becomes too expensive


Monday, February 23, 2009

Pasta Code

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.  If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.  Send extra sauce'

Along came Betty..

80-year old Betty bursts into the rec room. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"

A young stud in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Betty thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

Friday, February 20, 2009

Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex with You

* Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

* She yells out her own name.

* Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook more easily.

* Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

* Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

* Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

* Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a WAV file.

* During the act, she screams, "Oh, baby, yadda, yadda, yadda!"

* You begin to suspect she is only "playing" dead.

* You find yourself sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show.

Things Not To Say In Bed

* Hurry up, the game's about to start.

* You're so much like your sister . . .

* Your best friend does it much better.

* Stop moaning, you sound so stupid.

* Of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!

* It's OK honey, I can just imagine that it's bigger.

* (phone rings) Hello? Oh nothing much. You? Just hanging around.

What Smells??

Maxine took her car to her mechanic. She told him 'Every time I take any of my friends out in my car,  After a while there is this terrible smell!! It never happens when I am driving alone'??

This intrigued the mechanic, so he said, 'OK, lets Go for a spin and see what the problem is.'  Off they went.

She drove Down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 70MPH, swerving,  Hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly
missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a Policeman on street traffic duty. 
Then, they returned to the shop, and she said, 'There it is now... there's that terrible smell!  Can you smell it?'

'Smell it? Lady, I'm  Sittin in it!!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Hooker


The Perfect Female Number Plate



A sophisticated looking lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down.
The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.
To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk sari and points to her right inner thigh - very high up. "Right here," she says, "I want you to tattoo a clay lamp and underneath it I want the word Diwali."
Then she points to her left thigh just as high up and says, "On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top and underneath it I want the word Christmas."
The owner looks at her. "Ooh, lady, it's none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I've ever heard. Why in the world do you want to do that?
"Well," the lady said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there's never anything good to eat between Diwali and Christmas."

Monday, February 16, 2009

Funny Stuff


Milking Machine

A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on the switch. Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more pleasure than his wife does.
But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not find any useful information.
He tries every button on the instrument, without success. Finally the farmer decides to call the customer hotline.
''Hello, I just bought a cow milking machine from your company, it works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?''
"Don't worry sir'', replies the customer service person, ''the machine will release automatically once it has collected two litres!"

Friday, February 13, 2009

Steaming Cup


The Audition

A man went for an audition at a local club.
"You' better not be a hypnotist, they're not welcome here."
"No I'm not, I'm a singer, why, what's wrong with a hypnotist?"
"Well we had one a couple days ago with 15 people on stage in a trance when he tripped over the microphone wire and shouted 'Shit'. We've been clearing up ever since."

Tuesday, February 10, 2009




A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. 

He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.' 
'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?' 
'We  use it for sex.' 

The researcher was a little taken back.. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with 
a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all.  My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

The backside of Mt. Rushmore


At the flower show

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.


The thin one leaned over and Said, 'Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'


'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 note.


The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes, and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.


Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.


'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.


'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'

Divine Love

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says.

Monday, February 02, 2009

And then the fight started..

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

 It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

 So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

 And that's when the fight started....


 Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. 

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Shit. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. 

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' 

And then the fight started.....


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....


A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

 The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' 

And then the fight started.....


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.'

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started..



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