Thursday, December 21, 2006

Four Friends

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our son...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends shifted uncomfortably. "Hmmmm, what a shame," one replied.

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Karate Dog

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a Doberman.

The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.

Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"

The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."

"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.

The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.

The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.

"I'll take him," he says.

When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."

"Karate," she yells. "Karate my Butt!!"

You be the Judge

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

Friday, November 24, 2006

Things Men wish Women Knew

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

Don't cut your hair. Ever.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not sport.

Anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Check your oil.

Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Holy Water

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St.Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever Had any contact with a male organ?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondle and stroked one."

St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reva, What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

Little Something

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

The Nun and the Cabbie

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Friday, November 17, 2006

Romantic 1st lines... and deadly 2nd ones

A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received...


I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell

10 Most Stupid Questions

Top 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here...

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??

Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:-Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating ,insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?

Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.

Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ...........it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

What every man wants for Christmas

Thursday, November 16, 2006

The Winking Problem

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought, however, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry, we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me."

The applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms; red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms, finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and immediately stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Internal Affairs

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

**********

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

**********

Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.

**********
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.

**********

Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

**********

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress

**********

Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever !!!"

**********
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.

**********

Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?
B'coz people started licking the wrong side.

**********

Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend also my son, that's confidential!

**********

Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints...

**********

Friend to sardar: Why are u going for a birth control surgery for the ninth time?
Sardar: What to do yaar, my wife still keep getting pregnant._

Friday, November 10, 2006

Are these my brains?

A three year old was examining his testicles while he was taking a bath.

"Mom," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mother replies: "Not yet."

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Butch the Rooster

John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, hens called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to make sure the eggs were fertile.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too, but on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement Butch had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result ... The judges not only awarded Butch the "No-Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly, Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Men and Women

When a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

Two Pilots

A C-130 was flying on a mission when a? cocky F-16 pilot flew up next to him.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.?

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.

The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes, and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think of that?"

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the heck did you do?"

The C-130 pilot chuckled, "I stood up, stretched my legs, went to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a sweet roll."

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Greeks Vs Italians

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon".

The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum"

The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians".

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire", and on and on, and then :

The Greek says, "We invented sex".

The Italian says, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women".

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

101 Lies Men Tell Women

1. I'll call you.
2. I love you.
3. You're the only one.
4. I've never felt this way about anyone else.
5. I've got to work late at the office tonight.
6. That's the best sex I've ever had.
7. You've got the most beautiful eyes
8. No, I'm not married
9. Sorry. I must have left my wallet and credit cards at home.
10. You just have to believe me when I tell you nothing's wrong.
11. I'm ready to make a commitment.
12. Except for a beer or two, I never drink.
13. My wife and I haven't had sex in years.
14. We'll get married as soon as I ...
15. I'll be home in twenty minutes.
16. It's not that I don't care - I just have to spend more time
with my kids.
17. I've only slept with maybe ten women in my entire life.
18. I've been celibate since we broke up.
19. I could never lie to you.
20. I can still last all night
21. I always use a condom
22. I can help you get a great job in my company (field)

23. I haven't seen her since she and I broke up

24. I tested HIV negative

25. I haven't seen her since she and I broke up

26. The only sexual fantasies I have are about you

27. No, I don't think your thighs (stomach, breasts, hips, etc.) are too big
28. I'm too tired
29. How could you think I'd be interested in her? She's your best friend
30. When it comes to oral sex, I'm the best

31. I've never had any trouble keeping an erection before

32. It's you and me, babe - we'll make love all over Europe

33. I'd never do anything to hurt you.

34. I want to grow old with you
35. Believe me, my wife and I live very separate lives

36. Our having sex won't change a thing between us

37. Don't worry, I've had a vasectomy

38. I'm going to leave my wife

39. You're nothing at all like my mother

40. Your being a different religion doesn't matter to me

41. It doesn't bother me that you make more money than I do

42. Even without sex, we'd still be friends

43. I think older women are the most exciting

44. I'm considered one of the top people (in my field, in the company)
45. What attracts me to you is your mind

46. We'll split all the child care and household chores fifty-fifty
47. Of course I don't mind that you didn't come

48. I've never had an affair before

49. You're the only one who understands me

50. I've never been in therapy

51. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me

52. No, I'm not seeing anyone else

53. I haven't thought about her (old girlfriend) in years

54. How many times do I have to tell you I'm not having an affair?
55. Your career is as important as mine

56. I promise you that I'll change

57. I want us to remain close friends always

58. My wife and I have an understanding

59. You're wonderful; you deserve someone better than me

60. I don't masturbate

61. Let's be friends first

62. When you walked through that door, I knew it was the real thing
63. I'd like you even if you were a man

64. It's okay to be good looking, but looks just don't mean that much to me
65. The difference between us will bring us even closer

66. I spend everything I earn on you and the kids

67. No, I never said that

68. You make me feel like a kid again

69. I'm going out with the boys (to the gym, to the office)

70. I'll move wherever you want

71. Of course I'm not bored with you

72. As soon as I finish this project (get a promotion, a raise, make partner), we'll......
73. You've got more sex appeal in your little toe than my wife's got in her whole body
74. It wouldn't be you and me anymore if I used one of those

75. Let's pool our assets - whatever is mine is yours

76. I still find you just as attractive as the day I met you

77. Divorce is the farthest thing from my mind

78. Sure, I'll watch the kids

79. It's not just the sex I want, it's being close to you.

80. We'll be spending a lot of time together when I retire

81. You're the only reason I've worked so hard

82. If I didn't have all this work, you know I'd go with you and the kids to your mom's
83. No one's ever turned me on like you do

84. My boss says there's nothing to worry about

85. I'll never tell

86. Relax, she's just a friend

87. This is just a temporary separation until we get things worked out
88. Your hair (dress, outfit) looks fantastic

89. It was just sex - it didn't mean a thing

90. Of course I'm listening to what you're saying
91. Come on in and we'll just cuddle for a few minutes
92. No, I don't think you're fat
93. You're the woman I should have married
94. I'm going to be focusing on my work for a while now.
95. I guarantee you, I'm not the father
96. Your having kids has nothing to do with my not wanting to get married
97. I'm not ashamed of the way you talk (look, act, etc.)
98. It's nothing personal; I just don't like sharing my living space with someone
99. This time I'm really serious
100. Honestly, honey, it's just for the guys - none of the wives go to the conference
101. I'll always take care of you.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Priests on Vacation

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. Determined to make this a real vacation escape by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy, they headed for a store as soon as the plane landed and bought some outrageous shorts, shirts and sandals.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their tourist garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a string bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually; then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? The next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits--these were so loud you could hear them before you saw them. Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, this time topless with just a thong bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Once again, she nodded at each of them, saying, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and then started to walk away. One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer . Standing up, he said, "Just a minute young lady."

"Yes, Father?", she answered.

"We are priests and proud of it," he continued, "but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

"Father, it's ME, Sister Margaret!" she explained.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Doctor's Visit

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination" said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

Thursday, July 20, 2006

The New Priest

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand'. How did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12.Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

15. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

16. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

17. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Jesus Christ

Three wise men following yonder star through the desert for three days and nights. Finally they came to a manger. The star was shining on a crib with a baby inside.

As they were walking to the crib one of the wise men stepped on a rake and the handle flew up and hit him in the nose, "JESUS CHRIST", he shouted.

"Hey", said another wise man, "good name for the kid."

Monday, July 03, 2006

Einstein's Theory

Albert Einstein's was born March 14, 1879.

Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well-endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

It was called Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

The Young Girl's Doubt

Visiting minister during the offertory prayer:

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without You we are but dust......"

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Homesick

A traveling salesman is in a small town in the Midwest, when his trip is
suddenly prolonged for an extra month. He was already getting bored there and
over the course of the extra month he becomes very homesick. Finally, he decides to give in to temptation and visit the local brothel.

He walks up to the madam and hands her a hundred dollars and says, "Give me the worst blowjob in town."

The madam says, "For this kind of money, you can have the best blowjob."

"No, no," says the man, "You don't understand, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

Ways to Turn Men Down

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing

The Sneaky Patient

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. Are my testicles black?

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

Twenty Push-ups

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.

After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.

He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."

What-Ifs

One day an elderly married golfing couple were discussing the "what-ifs" and the wife asked her husband:

Q: "What if I died before you? Would you marry again?"
A: "Maybe"
Q: "Would you take her out to dinner and wine and dine her?"
A: "Probably - Yes I would"
Q: "Would you sleep with her in the same bed we slept in?"
A: "Maybe"
Q: "Would you make love to her?"
A: "Probably"
Q: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
A: "No - She's left-handed"

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Promise Not to Laugh

A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"OK then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.

Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again."

"OK," the man says.

"Now," the doctor says, getting down to business. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Well," the guy says, "it's swollen...."

Obsessions

Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children on his TV show. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

All denied being obsessed with anything. "You are -- all of you!" he insisted.

"You are obsessed with eating," he said to the first mother. "You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is with money: Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and says, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."

Monday, June 12, 2006

Diwali - US Style

A young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to explain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother, this is how he went about it...

"So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something... Since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so.. he decided to get his wife and his bro along... you know...so that they could all chill out together.

But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit... really man... they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows... so it was fine.

But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed..... all the gods were with him... So anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys.. Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok... ..

So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood. Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest.. and anyways...it gets kinda boring,you know... no TV or malls or shit like that.

So,they decided to hitch a ride back home... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home... they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit...and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also... so it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks...

Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks... and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding.., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks... you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started."

Miserable Relationships

I married a widow who had a grown-up daughter. My father, who visited us quite often, fell in love with my step daughter and married her. Hence, my father became my son-in-law, and my step-daughter became my mother. Some months later, my wife gave birth to a son, who became the brother in law of my father as well as my uncle.

The wife of my father, that is my step daughter, also had a son. Thereby, I got a brother and at the same time a grandson. My wife is my grandmother, since she is my mother's mother. Hence, I am my wife's husband and at the same time her step-grandson; in other words, I am my own grandfather.

Who's Guilty?

Wife was dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts:

"Up!! Quick! My husband is back."

Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts his butt, and then realizes:

"Damn, I'm the husband!"

Saturday, June 10, 2006

The God and Others

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon, bragging to one another about their successful sons.

The first woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps in, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third woman crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."

Since the fourth woman just sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle, "Well...?" sort of look.

"My son is 6'2" has broad square shoulders is terribly handsome and dresses exceptionally well. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say 'Oh my God...'."

51 Worst Pickup Lines

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.
3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going....
9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.
11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to "tinker" around with.
13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb.
14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
17. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.
19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
21. If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.
22. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"
23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine.
24. I look good on you.
25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
26. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?
27. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?
28. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
29. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
30. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.
31. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
32. Do you want to dance, No? Well I guess a fuck is out of the question.
33. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
34. I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?
35. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
36. My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, mead till hard, and serve hot.
37. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.
38. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
39. Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me.
40. Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.
41. The word for the night is legs, legs go back to my room and spread the word.
42. Hey baby, what's your name? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?
43. Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.
44. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
45. Was you dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.
46. Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go Choo choo.
47. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.
48. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
49. Guy: "haven't I seen you someplace before?", Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore"
50. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of your mouth.
51. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

Indian Version

Friday, June 09, 2006

The Excuse

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Classic TV Blooper

What is it called?

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling"

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you right now."

The Genie

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."

"Could I see him?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

The Sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A) Almost Boobs...

(B) Barely there.

(C) Can't Complain!

(D) Dang!

(DD) Double dang!

(E) Enormous!

(F) Fake.

(G) Get a Reduction.

(H) Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

The Cruise

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for him and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!" and he returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry, but if it makes you sick why do you keep doing it?"

Thursday, June 01, 2006

The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,   smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?   I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

Magic Beer

A lady walks into a bar in a high-rise hotel and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself.  She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.  "Magic Beer," he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you."   He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.  The lady can't believe it!   "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you’re a real asshole when you're drunk."

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

That Piece of Meat

An Elder was asked to preach in church for a Sunday Service. His sermon was as follows:

Dear Brothers and Sisters! Today I want to talk about a piece of meat.

That piece of meat that separates brothers and sisters!

That piece of meat that causes Husbands and Wife's to divorce!

That piece of meat that causes hatred between brothers and sisters!

That piece of meat that causes women to fight with women, brothers to fight with brothers!

It is that piece of meat that is more outside than inside and sometimes more inside than outside!

Beloved brothers and sisters, it is that piece that can give so much pain but it also brings a lot of pleasure!

Beloved Brother and Sisters, that's the piece of meat I want to talk to you about:
The Tongue, dear brothers and sisters.....the Tongue!

Friday, May 12, 2006

The Guys' Rules

Please note: these are all numbered "1"ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will BE scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

The New Pastor's Visit

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.  The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10".

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

Sunday, May 07, 2006

When in Rome...

Use Protection

Hanging Around

Night Courses

During work, John and William were chatting:

John: William, I've been taking night courses for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.

William: oh!

John: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

William: No

John: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

John: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?

William: No

John: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:

John: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?

William: No

John: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, William got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is
George Hunt?

John: No

William: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this!!

Hot Pants

How Romantic...

While waiting to register at a hotel, I overheard the couple ahead of me asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed.

The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.

Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years."

"Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked.

Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."

Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want to be able to punch him."

Brain of a Man

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 45 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is.

The wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 45 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday; but on weekends, I fish."

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Mother of All Conclusions

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

Amazing Conclusion:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Top 10

Top 10 things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do a split.

7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

6. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes

5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.

3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.

And the # 1 thing a man would do is:

1. Finally find that damn G-spot.


Top 10 things woman would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal.

6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may be to others.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the reason for the light refraction that occurs between man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member.

And the # 1 thing a woman would do is:

1. Repeat # 9.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Women Who Read

While on a family outing at the lake, the husband returned to the campsite after several hours of fishing and told his wife that he needed to take a short nap. The fishing made him tired.

With the kids away hiking, the wife was bored just sitting around their campsite, so she decided to take the boat out to get some sun. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and laid back to read a book.

Before long, the game warden came by in his boat and pulled it along side the woman's boat. "Good afternoon, Ma'am," he said. "What are you doing?"

The woman felt that it was obvious what she was doing. Nevertheless she responded to the question. "I’m reading a book."

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area, Ma'am," the game warden informed her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," the woman said.

The game warden scratched his head. "But I haven't touched you."

"That's true, but you have all the equipment, and for all I know you could start at any moment."

The game warden spit in the water, started his boat's motor, and eased it into reverse.

"Have a nice day ma'am," he smiled. "Enjoy your book."

MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Most Professions are Dirty

The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."

The Dentist because he says, "Open wide."

The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"

The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."

The Mailman because he always delivers his package.

The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

Not a Sin

"Father", the man at confession says,"Forgive me for I have sinned. The other day I saw me wife bent over the freezer an' I was overcome with lust, I was, Father, an' I had me evil and wicked way with her there an' then, I did, Father."

"This was your own wife you are talking about is it my son?" asks the priest.

"Aye Father, it was."

"Well then, my son, you have not committed any sin at all," replies the priest.

"Are ye sure, Father?"

"Of course I'm sure. You are allowed to give way to your carnal desires with your own wife," the priest reassures him.

"So, I'll still get into heaven then?" asks the man.

"Yes, of course you will," says the priest.

"An' I'll still be allowed into Church?" asks the man.

"Of course. You will be most welcome," replies the priest.

"Oh. Thank goodness," says the man, "'cos I don’t think they'll let me in Wal-Mart again!"

The Mistake

A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then, realizing her mistake, says, "Well, that's great...just great... some asshole's got my pen".

Can you hear me..?

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have that much money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother,"

The man arched an eyebrow (as you might expect), "Anything?", he asked. "Yes, yes, anything," the blonde promised.

"Well then, just follow me," said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed him.

"Come in and close the door," the man said. She did.

"Now get on your knees." She did.

"Now take down my zipper." She did.

"Now go ahead...take it out...," he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands...then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well, go ahead..."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...

"Hello, Mom...can you hear me?"

Apartment Rent

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for eight hundred thousand. So they do what is worth eight waya yacho.  

Before he leaves, "Darling I don't have any cash now, but I will write a cheque a mail it to you calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT'"

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the prize. So he writes a cheque for two hundred thousand and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed you will find a cheque of two hundred thousand for the rent of your apartment. I'm not sending the amount agreed upon becoz when I rented the apartment I had the impression that:  

                1) it had never been occupied
                2) that there was plenty of heat
                3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However I have found that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat and that it was extemely too large that you could easily get lost inside.

Upon receipt of the note the girl immediately returned the cheque and enclosed the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I don't understand how! you would expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. There is plenty of heat in the apartment only that you don't know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space Sir, the apartment is indeed of regular size. You see if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

Please send the rent in full or I will be forced to contact your present landlady!

He Said/She Said

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said....Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey; I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said....It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.

He said....Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said...That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

Arrested for Laughing

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant.

She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

The case was dismissed

A Young Wife's Diary

Monday:

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

Tuesday:

We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

Wednesday:

I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday:

Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, and then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.

Friday:

Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again; it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:

Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes.

I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance.

When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out, "Why me? Why me?"

Hmmm....It must be his job.

Teeth Down Under

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.

While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.

When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO!" he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there."

"Yes there are," he says, "my Mom told me so"

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I'm sorry" he says, "But my Mom told me that ALL women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

Side Effect

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?” asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to  sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection, I also get  a headache."

A Dog Named Sex

It's Not You...

The Angry Face

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your wife's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"And how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked very angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.

"Well that's very interesting; we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your wife's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

Necrophilia

A man was brought before the judge and charged with necrophilia (making love to a dead woman).

The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't  lock you up and throw away the key!"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:

    #1, It's none of your damn business;

    #2, She was my wife; and.....

    #3, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!!!!!"

The Frog Demo

A young lady goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her
way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions and reads them very carefully.

She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to follow its training.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.

She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the lady calls the pet store.

The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The lady welcomes him in and says "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:

"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time...."

Urinalysis

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.  It will improve in two weeks.”

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Nude cricket a must

Dan Nicholl comes up with an ingenuous proposition for injecting a little life into very forlorn stands in domestic games. Nudity!

…- the key solution has to be more nudity.

Imagine the thrill of watching Hayward tear in from the Umgeni End in full naked splendour. That alone would have the turnstiles in a blur; were Hayward to be bowling to Kemp, armed with nothing but a cricket bat and a steely glare, the gladiatorial contest of it all would be quite magnificent. Cricket reduced to its bare essentials, Colosseum meets Beau Brummel over four or five searing days. Granted, some of the more rotund players may have mild reservations, but if Kepler's assertions on weight gains were true, then what better way to encourage Smith and Kallis to ease back on the quarter pounders with cheese?

The more conservative amongst you may hesitate to embrace such free-thinking, but it simply can't fail — I ran the theory past Mike Haysman, who not only expressed delight at the idea of seeing Kosie Venter in his natural splendour, but confessed that during the Australia series, he and a couple of colleagues would occasionally slip out of their SuperSport uniforms, and engage in a little nude commentary, which is heartening indeed.

Read the complete article here.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Police Comments

The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC.."

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And.................... THE BEST ONE !

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Missing Wife

A man goes into the police station and says he wants to file a missing person's report. The officer at the desk asks him what his relationship to the missing person is and he says it's his wife. The officer asks when the last time the man saw his wife and he replied that it had been three days. The officer asked if she had ever been missing like this before ane the man said no. Then the officer asked if the two of them had an argument and the man replied,

"I'm not really sure...she had just told me the other day that we had to cut back on expenses, and that I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a six pack on the occasional weeknight and maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but then I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and I looked at the receipt and saw she had bought $45 worth of makeup!

So I said, "Wait a minute, that's not fair, I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "But this wasn't just for me, I bought that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

So I told her, "Hell, that's what the BEER was for!!!" --and that's when she left the house..."

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Go to Town

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
                                    
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you only wearing your gun, hat and boots?"

The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her ... so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did.
                                    
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...so I did.
                                    
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.. so I did.                                  
                                    
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, ‘Now go to town cowboy... ‘

...So, here I am."

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

At the wrong place...

Wanna hear a blonde joke?

A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the barman, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir,I think it is only fair... given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. One of the bar staff is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight-lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,"Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Shin Deep

A pirate captain was on the look out for buried treasure. After months of hard sailing, day in and day out, his ship caught site of land, the land to which his treasure map had been leading. He and his first mate disembarked on the island to search out the buried treasure, which was supposed to lay hidden deep within a swamp at the center of the island.

Sure enough, at the center of the island was a swamp, and the Captain and his first mate bravely entered the swamp. Soon the swamp began to get deeper, and the priate's feet, then ankles, and finally entire leg below the knees was covered in swamp.

It was at that time that the Captain banged his shin against something hard. He reached down, searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest. Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels beyond imagination.

The Captain turned to his first mate and said, "Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye, that booty is only shin deep!"

Friday, March 10, 2006

Blonde's Method to Print a Word Document

The Bet

A deaf-mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms.  He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his penis on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, then picks up both bills and stuffs them into his pocket.

Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Difference Between Girls

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?


At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

Saturday, March 04, 2006