Monday, April 25, 2005

10 Husbands And Still....

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Who The Hell Is He?

After a long night of making love this guy rolls over, was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the night stand by the bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" He said hoping to be reassured..

"No, no, no!!!" She said

"Well, who the hell is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."

Worst Email Addresses

Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an E-Mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, however:

So here is the TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses...

10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) -

9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) -

8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) -

7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) -

6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) -

5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) -

4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) -

3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) -

2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) -

and finally...

1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) -

Postman Pat's Last Day On The Job

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?"

"Well," said the blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'F**k him. Give him five bucks'".

She smiled shyly and said,

"The breakfast was my idea."

Where did you have it?

Imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called ‘Mate Match’. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers ’Yes’, then he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Sydney listeners drop to their knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Fred."

DJ: "Fred, are you married or what?"

Fred: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Fred: "Sarah."

DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Fred?"

Fred: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Fred! Is she at work?"

Fred: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Fred: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Fred."

Fred: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Fred: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Fred: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Fred: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Fred. Where was it at?"

Fred: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Fred: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Fred."

Fred: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great? That’s more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Fred on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?"

(Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinko’s."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Fred for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Fred knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. So, do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Sarah: (laughing) "Fred, what the hell are you up to?"

Fred: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Fred's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Fred....uh, this morning before Fred went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, FRED!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Fred: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse!"

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Know When to Quit

A guy with a 25-inch p*n*s went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with this anymore! It's too long."

The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you."

So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and you will find a female frog there. Ask her to marry you. She'll say "No", and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"

So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her,"Will you marry me?"

"No!", she said. He lost 5 inches off his member!

The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"

The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, God, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect.

So he asked again, "Will you marry me?"

And the frog said, "How many time do I have to tell you . .. NO! NO! NO!"

Moral: Know When to Quit