Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on. 

 
The first surgeon says: I like to see accountants on my operating table because when I open them up, everything inside is numbered.

The second responds: Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded.

The third surgeon says: No, I really think librarians are the best.  Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

The fourth surgeon chimes in: You know, I like construction workers.  Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: You're all wrong ----- Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the butt are interchangeable  

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Friday, August 07, 2009

Come to Me

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.

Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy?"

"Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?"

"Viens a moi."

"Viens a moi? What does that mean?"

At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'."

Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"


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First Date

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl.

She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked.

The petting went on and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected,

"Ouch! Your ring is hurting me!"

"That's no ring... That's my watch


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Knicker Trouble

An Englishman,an Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee, and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God woman! why aren't you wearing any knickers?" Her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough money to afford to buy any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's $50, go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee, and again a gust of wind blow's her skirt up to reveal that she too isn't wearing any undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! you've no knickers- why not?" She replies, " I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, " For the sake of decency here's $20, go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.

" Hoots Mon, woman! Why are ye not wearing knickers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough housekeepin money ta be able ta afford any." With that the Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the sake of decency here's a comb, tidy yurrself up a bit."


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Erection Trouble

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.

"So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

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Driver's License

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

 

'Mommy,'the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

 

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,'the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

 

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

 

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

 

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

 

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

 

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

 

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

 

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

 

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

 

The mother is surprised and asks,

'How did you find that out?

 

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

 

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

 

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,

'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

 

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

 

'Because you got an F in sex.'

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Visiting Family

A man was boarding a plane on his way back from visiting family over the holidays when he heard another passenger shout to a man in the crowd waiting to see him off, "Good bye. Your wife was a great lay!"

After the plane was in flight, the first man walked over to the one who had done the shouting and asked, "Did I hear you correctly? Did you actually have the audacity to tell that man his wife was a great lay?"

The other man shrugged his shoulders. "It isn't really true," he said, "but I didn't want to hurt his feelings."

Happy To Help - Vodafone (pup)

 

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Bubba has a Question

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, 'Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer?'

'Yes, Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer.

'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?'

'Sure is, Bubba.'

'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?'

'Yep.'

'And that football player sued that university when he graduaided and still couldn't read?'

'That's right,' said the lawyer. 'But why are you asking?'

'Well, I was thinkin.  What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?'

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The Blonde's Message

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"

The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"
"Yes, anything" the blonde promised.
With that, the man said, "Follow me" He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door" She did.
He then said, "Get on your knees" She did.
Then he said, "Take down my zipper" She did.
He said, "Go ahead...take it out" She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead!"
The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly "HELLO.....MOM, can you hear me???

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.  The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
 
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.  
 
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
 
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
 
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
 
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
 
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.  
 
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
 
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
 
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
 
The bishop was buried the next day.

A letter from Husband to Wife !!!

 

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

A little known fact

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874, and the first helmet was used in 1974.
 
It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

Wisdom of older women

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch  black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal. 

 

Now I have a $500,000 house, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not

holding up your side of things.’

 

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and  find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she  would make sure  that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

 

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

Cucumber Sandwich

 

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Not your typical blonde joke

A beautiful blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

 

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.'

 

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

 

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES YES, I WON, I WON!'

 

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

 

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

 

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

 

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.

 

MORAL OF THE STORY

 

Not all Irish are honest. Not all blondes are dumb. But all men are men

A Farmer in Love

A farmer walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
               
The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Friday, May 29, 2009

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Won the Lottery

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" 

 

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" 

 

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out"

Golfing

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." 
 
So he tied her up and went golfing.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009