Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Five surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
The first surgeon says: I like to see accountants on my operating table because when I open them up, everything inside is numbered.
The second responds: Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded.
The third surgeon says: No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.
The fourth surgeon chimes in: You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: You're all wrong ----- Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the butt are interchangeable.
Friday, August 07, 2009
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy?"
"Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?"
"Viens a moi."
"Viens a moi? What does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'."
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"
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She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked.
The petting went on and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected,
"Ouch! Your ring is hurting me!"
"That's no ring... That's my watch
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The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's $50, go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee, and again a gust of wind blow's her skirt up to reveal that she too isn't wearing any undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! you've no knickers- why not?" She replies, " I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, " For the sake of decency here's $20, go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.
" Hoots Mon, woman! Why are ye not wearing knickers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough housekeepin money ta be able ta afford any." With that the Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the sake of decency here's a comb, tidy yurrself up a bit."
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"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.
"So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."
So the doctor performs the operation.
A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.
Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"
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A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mommy,'the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,'the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
A man was boarding a plane on his way back from visiting family over the holidays when he heard another passenger shout to a man in the crowd waiting to see him off, "Good bye. Your wife was a great lay!"
After the plane was in flight, the first man walked over to the one who had done the shouting and asked, "Did I hear you correctly? Did you actually have the audacity to tell that man his wife was a great lay?"
The other man shrugged his shoulders. "It isn't really true," he said, "but I didn't want to hurt his feelings."
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, 'Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer?'
'Yes, Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer.
'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?'
'Sure is, Bubba.'
'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?'
'And that football player sued that university when he graduaided and still couldn't read?'
'That's right,' said the lawyer. 'But why are you asking?'
'Well, I was thinkin. What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?'
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.
Now I have a $500,000 house, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not
holding up your side of things.’
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
A beautiful blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.'
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES YES, I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are honest. Not all blondes are dumb. But all men are men
A farmer walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
Thursday, May 14, 2009
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out"