Friday, May 29, 2009

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Won the Lottery

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" 

 

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" 

 

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out"

Golfing

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." 
 
So he tied her up and went golfing.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Demotivated Posters

 

Communication

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.
 
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

She writes, "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn 't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

Medical Insurance

A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he will be working in.  He walks past a room where a man is vigorously masturbating non-stop, and asks the doctor why the man was doing such a thing out in the open?
 
The doctor replies, "Oh he has a medical condition where the sperm builds up quickly in his body, he has to masturbate constantly or he will explode."
 
"Oh, I see," says the intern.
 
They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying on a stretcher getting a blowjob from a nurse.
 
Again, he asks the doctor "What's up with that?"
 
The doctor says, "Same condition, better medical plan."

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

The Checkup

After a man's checkup, the doctor called his wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Be pleasant at all times. Prepare him lavish meals. Don't burden him with chores. Don't nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die."

Nudist Colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there hetakes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."

The huge man easily spins him around, bents him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?", she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 50 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."