Thursday, December 20, 2007

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Airplane Conversation

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon
realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have
it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked!,

"What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from
my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
exuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina
is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with
you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

True Herione's Diary

A Diary Entry of a True Heroine who saved 1600 lives.... Four times in a
single day. Read till end.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY ONE

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. The ship has 1600
passengers on it. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm
really excited.

DEAR DIARY .. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales
and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be.

I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffleboarding and
hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at
his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is
a very attractive and attentive gentleman.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino . did OK ... won about $80. The Captain
invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious
meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night
but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my
husband.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go
to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw
me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman.
He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He
told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the
ship. I was appalled.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX

I saved 1600 lives today . . .four times !!!!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Kissing - Facts and Benefits

It is a matter of record that Canadian porcupines kiss one another on the lips

The world's longest kiss took place on January 28, 2002. Louisa Almodovar and Rich Langly of New Jersey kissed for a record 30 hours, 59 minutes and 27 seconds on a segment of "Ricki Lake"

Matrimonial pollsters' studies prove that a man who kisses his wife good-bye when he leaves for work every morning averages a higher income than does the fellow who doesn't do that thing

In medieval Italy kisses weren't taken, or given, lightly. If a man and a woman were seen embracing in public they could be forced to marry!

Our brains have special neurons that help us locate each others lips in the dark

It is estimated that the average person will spend about 20,160 minutes kissing in their lifetime

You burn 26 calories in a 1 minute kiss

The first kiss ever shown in a movie was in 1896. The movie, was called The Kiss

Hershey's Kisses got their name because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt

50% of all people kiss before they turn 14. Kissing helps reduce tooth decay. Kissing increases the mouth's production of saliva, and saliva helps clean the mouth thus aides prevention of tooth decay

Pepsi Ad

Problem with the phone

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few
occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the
phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog
moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel
chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number
was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and
moaning.

Monday, December 10, 2007

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up
leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,
sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of
cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire
wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange
them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put
into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears
covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears
running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large
collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she
finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her
in his arms and carries her into his bedroom.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more
creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense,
explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying
there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well,how
was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her
eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

Thursday, December 06, 2007

The Manly Contest

A guy is forced to live in a remote Eskimo villiage but is having
trouble interacting with the villiagers. Finally he corners one of them
and asks why they won't talk to him.

The villiager responds that he has not been initiated as a man. He ask's
what do I have to do?

The villiager says, first you have to drink 2 bottles of Russian Vodka,
then you have to go into a cave and kill a polar bear with your bear
hands, then to seal your induction into manhood you have to make love
for 10 hours straight with one of our women.

The man says he will do it. That night there's a big party to initiate
the stranger. Everyone sits around the fire and they pass him a bottle
of Vodka. He down's about half without much trouble, bet the second half
is much more difficult. Finally he finishes it, and they pass him
another. He finally manages to finish off the second bottle and the
crowd claps and sings. Then he tried to get up but fell over drunk.

The Cheif picks him up and points him in the direction of the polar bear
cave. He staggers over and climbs in. Suddenly there's a huge commotion
from within the cave. Bears growling and him screaming and wailing in
pain. Half an hour later he stumbles out of the cave, Torn to shreds,
bloodied, and half dead. He turns to the crowd and drunkenly says,

"Okeee now where's the woman I gotta kill?"

Monday, December 03, 2007

Cowboy

A Chicago pal of mine bought a ranch out west in Durango, Colorado where
he intended to retire and raise some cattle, do some hunting and a bit
of fishing.

So after all his friends and family had visited, I took a trip out to
see it from Florida and to have a little R&R while checking out the
area.

I asked Jack if the ranch had a name. "Well," said my would-be-cowboy
friend, "I wanted to call it the Bar-JH. My wife Pat, favored the
Patsy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy
-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-JH-Patsy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y ranch."

I had looked about the place, seen some deer in the woods, the out
buildings and a pasture with a bull, the barn with a few horses, but had
not come across any stock.

Later in the day, while enjoying a taste of some Jack Daniels at my
guest's well stocked bar, and relaxing in the nicely appointed main
house, I enquired, " Jack, I looked around but I haven't seen any of
your cattle?"

Jack took a big sip of his golden libation and moaned, "Well so far,
none of the damn cows have survived the branding."

Christmas Joke

This Year's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."