Tuesday, December 28, 2004

The White House visit

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "When I am president, I could have a gold urinal, too! But, of course, I would never do something that self-indulgent!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary, during her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill: "I found out who peed in your saxophone."

Fishing Vs. Doin' It!

  1. No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

  2. A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

  3. You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

  4. It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

  5. The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

  6. If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

  7. Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with long ago.

  8. It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

  9. When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

  10. If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

  11. Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

  12. When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are
    really an undercover cop.

  13. You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

  14. You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for Fishing harassment.

  15. There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

  16. If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

  17. Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

  18. Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

  19. You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

  20. Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells".

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."

The Wrong Approach

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

Superior Culture!

A Greek and Italian were debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"

The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum"

The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians"

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire"

and so on and so on and finally the Greek says: "We invented sex"

The Italian says: "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

Headache - At the wrong time!

It's A Beautiful, Warm Spring Morning. A man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a large, hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape He jumps on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up. Show your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy, and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache".

Monday, December 27, 2004

Do not Guess

A woman went in for a physical the other day. The doctor asked her to disrobe. When she did the doctor noticed she had a big red "H" on her chest. The doctor said; that's strange. How did you get the red "H" on your chest?

The woman replied: "My husband went to Harvard and beloved the school so much he never takes his block sweater off...even when we make love."

Several days later; another woman came into the doctor's office for a physical. The doctor went through the same routine. After she disrobed, the doctor noticed she had a big "M" on her chest. Not wanting to appear stupid, the doctor said: "Your boyfriend must have gone to Michigan."

The woman responded" "I don't know what you are talking about, but my girlfriend went to Wisconsin."


A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.The teacher asked, "Johnnie what is your problem?" Johnnie answered,"I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnnie to the principal's office. While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.The teacher agreed.

Johnnie was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnnie: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnnie can go to the third grade, just as he thought."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions, and I'm sure you will see the reasons I am hesitant about Johnnie's advancement!" The principal and Johnnie both agreed.

The teacher asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnnie, after a moment, replied, "Legs."

Teacher: "Ok, you got that right, but I know I'll get you. What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnnie replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Johnnie: "Pants"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Johnnie: "Fire truck"

Little Johnnie had been studying, and he'd not fall for any of her tricks... nothing would hold him back if he could help it!

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnnie in the FIFTH grade. I missed the last four questions myself!"

Things you will never hear a man say!

  • I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.

  • I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.

  • Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.

  • I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.

  • No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.

  • Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at them anymore.

  • I understand.

  • This movie has too much nudity.

  • Damn, we're late for church.

  • No. I don't want to see your sister's tits.

  • Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.

  • Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!

Kids Say the Honest Things

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"

Different Priorities

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens. Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he bought a pair and wore them home. When he arrived home, he asked Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday, and the same pants. What's different?"

Frustrated, Sam went into the bathroom, undressed and came out wearing only his new boots. Again, he said, "Bessie, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and will be hanging down tomorrow."

Angrily, Sam yells, "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN? Cause it's looking at my NEW BOOTS!"

Bessie replied, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

Actual Trial in England

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again, and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, this was the man's reply when asked why he acted in such a manner:

"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.
She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick".

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."

He won the case.

Important Business Study

The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on corporate America recreation preferences:

1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: bowling.

2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football.

3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.

4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.

5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls.

When things do not matter

A man who was summoned to an IRS audit asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you're a pauper."

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested a resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother advised, 'Wear a long, heavy flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice.The friend said, 'Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.'"

Confused, the man protested, "But what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

The rabbi replied, "Your situation is the same. It doesn't matter what you wear. You're going to get screwed."


This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing a tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm.

Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink".

The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?"

The drunk says, "Any girl that can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"

What men really mean

"Haven't I seen you before?" == "Nice ass."

"I'm a Romantic." == "I'm poor."

"I need you" == "My hand is tired."

"I am different from all the other guys" == "I am not circumcised."

"I want a commitment." == "I'm sick of masturbation."

"You're the only girl I've ever cared about" == "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

"I really want to get to know you better." ==== "So I can tell my friends about it."

"It's just orange juice, try it." ==== "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

"She's kinda cute." ==== "I want to have sex with her till I am blue."

"I don't know if I like her" ==== "She won't sleep with me."

"I miss you so much" == "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good."

"Was it good for you?" == "I'm insecure about my manhood."

"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" ==== "Is my penis really that small?"

"I had a wonderful time last night." == "Who the hell are you?"

"Do you love me?" == "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

"Do you really love me?" == "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

"How much do you love me?" == "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you now."

"I have something to tell you." == "Get tested."

"I'll give you a call." == "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

"I've been thinking a lot." == "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

"I think we should just be friends." == "You're ugly."

"I've learned a lot from you." == "Next!!!!"

Close Call

A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat. Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.

Likings of the Wrong Order!

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

Stinking Truth

A family was traveling on vacation when they came across a petting zoo. The children asked if they could stop, and the parents said okay. At the zoo, they saw and touched many animals and had a great time.

While driving to their next vacation stop the father noticed the kids playing with something. He asked, "What have you kids got back there?"

The children then produced a very cute baby skunk. The father was horrified because he realized that they had taken this skunk from the zoo. To teach his kids a lesson he told them that if they got caught they could go to jail for this.

While he was reprimanding his children, he hadn't noticed that he was speeding and had just gone through a speed trap. When the police car came after him he thought that they must have found out about the skunk and that was why they were stopping him.

"Kids!" the father exclaimed, "please, not a word about the skunk!"Handing the skunk to his wife, he addressed her, saying, "Honey,please hide this little bugger 'til the cops are gone. Maybe they don't know after all, and I sure don't want to find out the hard way!"

She said, "But where am I going to hide it?"

"Just stuff it under your dress and make sure he doesn't wiggle around or anything," the father hurriedly replied, watching the police officer stepping out of the car.

She said, "But it stinks!"

The father replied, "Well, can't you just hold his little nose?"

Wrong Gift

For a wedding present Brambilla gave his son Aldo two hundred dollars.Two weeks after he asked him, "What-a you do with-a the money?"

"I bought a wristwatch, papa," said the boy.

"Stupido!" cried his father. "You should-a bought a rifle!"

"A rifle?! What for?"

"Suppose-a some day you come-a home and find a man sleeping with your wife-a," explained the father. "What-a you gonna do? Wake him up-a and tell-a him what-a time it is-a?"

Top Priority

A wizard taking a walk in the park comes upon two statues, one a man and the other a woman. These nudes face one another and they share a common expression, that of longing.

The wizard wonders what would happen if the statues were to come to life,so he waves his wand and turns the stone to flesh and blood."You have one hour to do whatever you like," he says. "After that,you will revert to stone."

The wizard leaves and the statues look one another over. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" the man asks the woman.

"You bet," she replies. "Let's do it."With that, they duck into the bushes. For the next 30 minutes,thrashing and commotion and moans of pure joy emanate from the bush Finally, the two emerge.

"That was GREAT!" the woman exclaims.

"Sure was," the man replies. "Want to do it again? We still have half an hour."

"You bet," says the woman, "but this time you hold the pigeons down and I'll shit on them.

Ready for Disappointment

Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way. "Mary, can you tell me?" Mary stands up, blushing furiously.

"Sir, how dare you ask me such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted, he asks the class the question again. This time Sam raises his hand.

"Yes, Sam," says Mr. Sampson.

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to say to you. First, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

The only thing missing!

A young single guy is stranded on a deserted island. As he washes ashore, he sees a women passed out in the sand. Able to perform CPR on her, he saves her life. Suddenly, he realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford.

Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man. Days and weeks go by, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" she asks. "I know we're stranded, but we're in love and we have a wonderful life together. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt and pants?" "Sure," she says, "if it'll help." He takes off his shirt and pants and she puts it on. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a half hour later.

He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"


Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Pearly Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me." he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.

Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost there."

After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again,the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.

"Why is it so god damn cold down here?" Peter asks.

"Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

Three Wishes

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf...

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least can do.And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "how old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

It's Good to be a Man!

  • Your last name stays put.

  • The garage is all yours.

  • Wedding plans take care of themselves.

  • Chocolate is just another snack.

  • You can be president.

  • You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

  • Car mechanics tell you the truth.

  • You don't give a rat's butt if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.

  • The world is your urinal.

  • You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky looking.

  • Same work... more pay.

  • Wrinkles add character.

  • Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.

  • People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

  • The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

  • New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

  • One mood, ALL the time.

  • Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

  • You know stuff about tanks.

  • A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

  • You can open all your own jars.

  • You can leave the motel bed unmade.

  • You can kill your own food.

  • You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

  • Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack.

  • If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

  • Everything on your face stays its original color.

  • You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

  • Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

  • You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.

  • You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He's mad at me."

  • You don't mooch off other's desserts.

  • You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

  • You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

  • You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

  • You don't have to shave below your neck.

  • Your belly usually hides your big hips.

  • One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

  • You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife or your teeth.

  • You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

  • Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.


What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?

"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft !"


One evening, Ashdeep invited his mother over for dinner.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Ashdeep's flatmate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ashdeep and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Ashdeep volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Jeeti and I are just flatmates."

About a week later, Jeeti came to Ashdeep saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, and I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.


Several days later, Ashdeep received an letter back from his Mother which read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jeeti, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jeeti. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now.