Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Bumper Stickers

Constipated People Don't Give A crap.

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.

The Earth Is Full - Go Home.

I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

If We Quit Voting - - - Will They Quit Stealing?

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

Cover Me - - I'm Changing Lanes.

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep) - If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...

Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph.

Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.

Boldly Going Nowhere.

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.

Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?

Grow Your Own Dope --- Plant A Man.

All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.

Politicians & Diapers Both Need To Be Changed - - - - And For The Same Reason.


Saturday, November 12, 2005

Clever Teacher

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Friday, November 11, 2005


Manpreet Singh of the Merchant Navy, fresh from his training on safety at sea was on his first trip to New York. He went to a bar and ordered a drink.

A few minutes later, a beautiful blonde sat down next to him and started coming on to him. Soon she invited him back to her place. Overcome with excitement, Preet agreed and accompanied the blonde in her car with his bag.

When they got to the bedroom, Preet exclaimed, "Wow! A waterbed, I've never had sex on a waterbed before."

Soon they were both naked and were about to go at it. The blonde stopped him and said, "Before we go any further, don't you think you should put on some protection?"

"Good idea, Honey" he said. He got up, walked out of the room to get his bag and came back wearing a bright orange life jacket.

Little Johnny in Church

One bright Sunday morning Cindy and Mark took their eight year old son, Johnny, to church. They sat right in the front so Johnny could get all the benefits from church. But as we know eight year old boys do not like church at all, especially little Johnny. Halfway through the pastor's sermon Johnny fell asleep. The pastor noticed this, and it was distracting him from preaching. He decided to go over to Johnny and ask him a question about God.

"Son, do you know who created all the heavens and earth?"

His mother, Cindy, who did not want to be embarrassed by her son falling asleep, stuck a pin in her son's right butt cheek.

"GOD!!!!” cried little Johnny.

"Very good," the pastor replied. For he could not say it was wrong. And he continued on. But a short while later, Johnny fell asleep again. The pastor once again noticed this and decided to ask another question,

"Who was Mary and Joseph's son?" The pastor asked.

Johnny's dad, Mark, did not want to be embarrassed either, so he stuck a pin in his son's left butt cheek.

"JESUS CHRIST!!!!” yelled Johnny.

And once again the pastor replied "Very good."

Near the end of the church service, Johnny could not control himself and fell asleep again. For the last time, the pastor decided to embarrass him and ask a very hard question.

"What did Eve say to Adam on the morning when they woke up on the first day?"

But before Johnny's parents could do anything Johnny shouted,


Wednesday, November 09, 2005

The New Gym in Town

This guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 pounds on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 pounds. They strip him and lead him into this huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with a sign saying "If you can catch me, you can fuck me."

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management, leads him to the showers, and then weighs him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 pounds.

He's back on the street and starts to think. "Jesus, I was _that_ close to catching her. If I had a little more time...." So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 10 pounds this time."

"No problem," says the manager. Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time he's walking toward the door when it opens and out comes a beautiful redhead, stark naked, with a sign saying "If you can catch me, you can fuck me." He starts running again, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym again, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management, this time they have to help him to the showers, and then they weigh him again. Sure enough, he lost exactly 10 pounds.

After a bit of rest and time to think about it, he's sure he could catch the girl with just a little more. So the next day he goes in and says he wants to lose the full 20 pounds.

The manager asks if he's sure about that and the man says he's positive. The manager shrugs his shoulders and leads him back to the gym. This time the man is standing right next to the door when it opens and out comes a gorilla with a sign saying "If I catch you, I fuck you."

He lost his 20 pounds!

Rules of Inhouse Golf

(1) Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

(2) Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

(3) Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

(4) For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

(5) Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

(6) The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

(7) It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

(8) Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

(9) Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along just in case.

(10) Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing, what they consider to be a private course.

(11) Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

(12) Players are advised to obtain the owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

(13) Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

(14) It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

(15) The course owner will be sole judge of who is the best player.

(16) Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

Seven Degrees of Blonde

First Degree

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."


Second Degree

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"


Third Degree

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.

She opens her purse to take out the gun, andas she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"


Fourth Degree

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, "Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."


Fifth Degree

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"


Sixth Degree

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.

The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"


Seventh Degree

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman."


And another one…

Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh, Marie," she said to her maid - a blonde, "I believe my husband is having an affair with his secretary."

"I don't believe it," snapped Marie. "You're just saying that to make me jealous."

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Working the High Beams

Two construction workers are working the high beams. One is on the third floor, one on the first.

The guy on the third floor needs a handsaw, but with all the noise from the construction, the guy on the first can't hear him. He yells and yells, but the guy on the first floor can't hear him.

So the guy on the third floor decides to use hand signals. He points to his eye for "I", he points to his knee for "need," thenmoves his hands back and forth for "handsaw."

The guy on the first floor drops his pants and starts masturbating.

The guy on the third floor gets mad and runs down to the first floor and says, "What the hell are you doing! All I wanted was a handsaw!"

The guy on the first floor says, "Yeah, I just wanted to tell you I was coming."

Golf of a Different Kind

That's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women. So Smith went to see Jones and asked him if he would teach him how to play.

Jones said, "Sure, you've got balls haven't you?"

Smith said, "Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they're kinda hard to find."

"Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow," Jones said, "and we will tee off."

"What's tee off," Smith asked?

Jones said, "It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."

"Not for me," Smith said, "you can tee off if you want to but I'll tee off out behind the barn, somewhere".

"No, no," Jones said, "a tee is a fine thing about the size of your little finger."

"Yeah, I've got one of those."

"Well," Jones said, "you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it."

Smith asked, "Do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around."

"You do," Jones said, "you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."

Well, Smith thought that was stretching things a little too far, and he said so!

Jones said, "You've got a bag, haven't you?"

"Sure," Smith said.

Jones said, "Your balls are in it, aren't they?"

"Of course," Smith told him.

"Well," Jones said, "can't you open the bag and take one out?"

Smith said, "I suppose I could, but damned if I'm going to."

Jones asked if he didn't have a zipper on his bag, but Smith told him no, he's the old fashioned type.

Then Jones asked if Smith knew how to hold his club. "Well," Smith said, "after fifty years I should have some sort of idea."

Jones said, "You take your club in both hands." Smith knew right then Jones didn't know what he was talking about. Then he said, "You swing it over your shoulder."

"No, no," Smith said, "that's not me, that's my brother you're thinking about."

Jones asked him, "How do you hold your club?" And before Smith thought he said, "In two fingers." Jones said that wasn't right and got behind him and put both arms around him and told him to bend over and he would show him how. He couldn't catch Smith there, because he didn't put four years in the Navy for nothing.

Jones said, "You hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar."

Smith said he could well imagine.

Then Jones said, "And when you're on the green"

"What's the green," Smith asked.

"That's where the hole is," Jones said, "surely you're not color blind."

"No," Smith said,

"Then you take your putter"--

"What's the putter," Smith asked.

"That's the smallest club made," Jones said.

"That's what I've got, a putter," Smith said.

"And with it," Jones said, "you put your ball in the hole."

Smith corrected, "You mean the putter?"

Jones said, "The ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter too."

"Well," Smith said, "I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon."

"Then," Jones said, "after you make the first hole, you go to the next seventeen."

Smith thought he wasn't thinking about him. After two holes he's shot to hell.

"You mean," Jones said, "you can't make eighteen holes in one day?"

"Hell no, it takes me eighteen days to make one hole, besides, how do I know when I'm in the eighteenth hole?" Smith asked.

Jones said the flag would go up.


It Ain'T Easy Being A Dick!

I've got a head I can't think with..

An eye I can't see out of...

I have to hang around with two nuts all the time...

My closest neighbor is an asshole...

Worst of all, my owner beats me all the time...

And my best friend is a pussy!

And now because of aids, I have to wear this rubbber suit and throw up all over myself!!!

A Day In The Beauty Shop

A beautician was blow drying her male customer's hair as he sat in the chair. As usual he was wearing one of those beauteous cloth capes that barbers and hair salons put on their customers to protect clothing.

Suddenly the lady noticed that the fabric of the guy's cape was "moving up and down over his lap area."

Outraged, she whacked the guy up-side the head with the blow dryer. She hit him so hard that he was knocked unconscious and fell off the chair. An ambulance was called and, still unconscious the guy was taken to the emergency room of the nearest hospital.
When he came to in the emergency room and was questioned by the physician he said, "I don't know what happened. The last thing I recall I was cleaning my glasses on the cloth cape..."

Hell Freezes Over

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

Answer Submitted: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven. Thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

This student received the only 'A'.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

The Halloween Party

A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. 'Don't let me spoil a good time for you,' she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.

After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, 'I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around.' She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched. There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them.  She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside.

Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him. He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed. She sat up and asked 'Well, how was the party?'

He replied, 'It was no fun without you honey.'

She said, 'I don't believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!'

He replied, 'Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night.

But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time.'