Friday, August 07, 2009

Come to Me

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.

Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy?"

"Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?"

"Viens a moi."

"Viens a moi? What does that mean?"

At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'."

Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"

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First Date

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl.

She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked.

The petting went on and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected,

"Ouch! Your ring is hurting me!"

"That's no ring... That's my watch

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Knicker Trouble

An Englishman,an Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee, and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God woman! why aren't you wearing any knickers?" Her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough money to afford to buy any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's $50, go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee, and again a gust of wind blow's her skirt up to reveal that she too isn't wearing any undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! you've no knickers- why not?" She replies, " I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, " For the sake of decency here's $20, go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.

" Hoots Mon, woman! Why are ye not wearing knickers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough housekeepin money ta be able ta afford any." With that the Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the sake of decency here's a comb, tidy yurrself up a bit."

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Erection Trouble

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.

"So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

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Driver's License

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.


'Mommy,'the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'


'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,'the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'


'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'


'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'


Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'


'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'


The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.


' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.


'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'


Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'


The mother is surprised and asks,

'How did you find that out?


'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'


The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'


'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,

'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'


'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'


'Because you got an F in sex.'

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Visiting Family

A man was boarding a plane on his way back from visiting family over the holidays when he heard another passenger shout to a man in the crowd waiting to see him off, "Good bye. Your wife was a great lay!"

After the plane was in flight, the first man walked over to the one who had done the shouting and asked, "Did I hear you correctly? Did you actually have the audacity to tell that man his wife was a great lay?"

The other man shrugged his shoulders. "It isn't really true," he said, "but I didn't want to hurt his feelings."

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