Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Missing Wife

A man goes into the police station and says he wants to file a missing person's report. The officer at the desk asks him what his relationship to the missing person is and he says it's his wife. The officer asks when the last time the man saw his wife and he replied that it had been three days. The officer asked if she had ever been missing like this before ane the man said no. Then the officer asked if the two of them had an argument and the man replied,

"I'm not really sure...she had just told me the other day that we had to cut back on expenses, and that I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a six pack on the occasional weeknight and maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but then I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and I looked at the receipt and saw she had bought $45 worth of makeup!

So I said, "Wait a minute, that's not fair, I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "But this wasn't just for me, I bought that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

So I told her, "Hell, that's what the BEER was for!!!" --and that's when she left the house..."

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Go to Town

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you only wearing your gun, hat and boots?"

The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her ... so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.. so I did.                                  
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, ‘Now go to town cowboy... ‘

...So, here I am."

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

At the wrong place...

Wanna hear a blonde joke?

A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the barman, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir,I think it is only fair... given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. One of the bar staff is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight-lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,"Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Shin Deep

A pirate captain was on the look out for buried treasure. After months of hard sailing, day in and day out, his ship caught site of land, the land to which his treasure map had been leading. He and his first mate disembarked on the island to search out the buried treasure, which was supposed to lay hidden deep within a swamp at the center of the island.

Sure enough, at the center of the island was a swamp, and the Captain and his first mate bravely entered the swamp. Soon the swamp began to get deeper, and the priate's feet, then ankles, and finally entire leg below the knees was covered in swamp.

It was at that time that the Captain banged his shin against something hard. He reached down, searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest. Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels beyond imagination.

The Captain turned to his first mate and said, "Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye, that booty is only shin deep!"

Friday, March 10, 2006

Blonde's Method to Print a Word Document

The Bet

A deaf-mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms.  He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his penis on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, then picks up both bills and stuffs them into his pocket.

Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Difference Between Girls

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Happy Father's Day

Interesting Statements

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
- Lillian Carter (mother of 39th President, Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.  But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

What would men be without women?  Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
- Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
- Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness?  It can't buy you money.
- Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
- Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
- Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old.  I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- WC Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet:  If it tastes good, spit it out.
- Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

The Witness

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his beautiful young wife in bed with an older man. The husband put a gun to the man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Yankee Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Swiss Chocolate

A man from Switzerland is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."

Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."

Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."

Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

Friday, March 03, 2006


Ever noticed how deleting one word after the other in a sentence in English can lead to a nice story? Here's an example:

Oh John please don't touch me at all...!
Oh John please don't touch me at...!
Oh John please don't touch...!
Oh John please don't...!    
Oh John please...!

Oh John..!


Some things are sacred!

Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt, but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."

They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I’ve been so conscience-stricken since you told me but, since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."

The husband froze at the top of his back swing, and then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul, and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees!"