Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Three Couples

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.

When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."

The Search

Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide. One says to the other, "Excuse me, I was too busy looking for my wife."

"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm breasts, and a tight butt. What's your wife look like?"

"Never mind, let's look for yours."

It's gonna start...

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

That's it! She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "It's started."

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Did you ever stop and wonder...

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there...? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!)

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on...

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Blueberry Hill

One school day a boy walked in late for class. The teacher asked, "Son, why are you late?" The boy replied "I was on Blueberry Hill."

Fifteen minutes later another boy walked in late. Once again the teacher asked, "Why are you late, son?" The boy replied, "I was on Blueberry Hill."

Fifteen minutes later a girl walked into class and the teacher said, "Let me guess, you're late because you were on Blueberry Hill too?"

The girl replied "No. I am Blueberry Hill."

Friday, January 27, 2006

Exercise Plan

Finally, an exercise plan with some real incentive! Sex is the most practical and fun way of losing weight. Look how many calories you can burn:

With her agreement..............................12 cal
Without her agreement..........................187 cal

With both hands..................................8 cal
With one Hand....................................12cal
With one hand being slapped.....................37 cal
With the mouth..................................85 cal

With erection....................................6 cal
Without erection...............................315 cal

Trying to find the clitoris......................8 cal
Trying to find G spot...........................92 cal
Without caring at all............................0 cal

Holding her up..................................12 cal
Just on the floor................................8 cal

Missionary.....................................12 cal
69 laying........................................8 cal
69 standing up.................................112 cal
Trolley........................................216 cal
Italian chandelier.............................912 cal

Real...........................................112 cal
Fake...........................................315 cal

Staying in bed..................................18 cal
Jumping off the bed.............................36 cal
Explaining why you jumped off the bed..........816 cal

Between 16 and 19 years of age..................12 cal
from 20 to 29...................................36 cal
from 30 to 39..................................108 cal
from 40 to 49..................................324 cal
from 50 to 59..................................972 cal
over 60.......................................2916 cal

Quietly.........................................32 cal
Being in a hurry................................98 cal
With her husband opening the door.............1218 cal


A farmer ordered a high tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.

When the fun was over though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the machine from himself. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

Three Friends

Three friends decide to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex. They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.

The next day they met. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."

The second friend says, "That’s nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour aftre that."

The third friend says," Thats nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times, I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she's still screaming."

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Sarah's Legs

A guy walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, buddy, if you can think of a good name for this bar, I'll give you a free beer."

So the guy goes outside and tries to think of a name. A beautiful lady walks by and he asks her her name. "Sarah," she says. He looks at her incredible legs and realizes "Sarah's Legs" would make a great name for the bar. He goes back inside and tells this story to the bartender, who immediately agrees and renames the bar "Sarah's Legs."

The next day, the guy is sitting outside the same bar when a lady walks
by and asks, "What are you doing out here, handsome?"

"Oh", he answers, "I'm just waiting for Sarah's Legs to open so I can have a couple of quick ones."

The Diagnosis

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained,

"I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.

"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, “Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?”

"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

Monday, January 23, 2006

The Power of Aspirin

A guy is out with buddies - has few drinks - is feeling a little frisky but, true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.

She starts to choke, but recovers and asks - "What did you put in my mouth?"

He says, "Two aspirin."


He says, - "That's all I wanted to hear"

Why I Fired My Secretary

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Oh yeah, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day.

We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat...on the couch.......... naked!!

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Be strong honey..

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Some way..

A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay."

The husband says, "No, not at all."

His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."

Look Before You Leap

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress.

After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does it, he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing?”

"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"Correct," says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says.

"Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her.

"Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes."

Saturday, January 21, 2006


1)   What is a KISS?

      It's an upper PREPARATION for a lower INVASION that will lead to further                  
      PENETRATION with fast ACCELERATION that will build the next

2)   Latest Statistics:
       What men do after sex?
      - 2% eat.
      - 3% smoke cigarettes.
      - 4% take shower.
      - 5% go to sleep.
      - 86% get up and go back home to their wives.

3)  Why is your dick better than a credit card?
      -  Once spent it recharges itself.
      -  It is accepted worldwide.
      -  You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.

4)  A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.

     The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies?
     Man: No, I work in a Condom Factory and these are customers COMPLAINTS.

5)  Women top 5 lies:
       I am a virgin.
       It is so big.
       I can't do that to my best friend.
       I won't gain weight after marriage
       I am coming! I am coming!!!

6)  A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says:
      You want to play magic?
      She says: What is that?
      He says: We go Home, F*ck, and then you disappear.

7)  What is the closest thing to a woman's period?
      Your SALARY...It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and
      If it doesn't come, you are fucked!

The Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parro! t.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes.  Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic g uy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

Defintions of a Bachelor

  • One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.

  • One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.

  • One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.

  • One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.

  • One who can forget his mistakes.

  • One who can get into bed from either side.

  • One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.

  • One who can have a girl on his knee without having her onhis hands.

  • One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.

  • One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without havinghis wife interrupt.

  • One who can't be Spouse-Broken.

  • One who can't stand the strain of a wife.

  • One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.

  • One who doesn't have to leave the party when he starts havinga good time.

  • One who failed to embrace his opportunities

  • One who is a free male.

  • One who is allergic to Wedding cakes.

  • One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free.

  • One who is known as a Dame Dropper.

  • One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.

  • One who knows all the ankles.

  • One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn'tget a grip on him.

  • One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may windup on a leash.

  • One who knows more about Women than Men. That's why he is a Bachelor.

  • One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.

  • One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!!!!

  • One who looks, but does not leap.

  • One who never chases a woman he couldn't out run.

  • One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from.

  • One who never makes the same mistake once.

  • One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.

  • One who never Mrs. Anything.

  • One who never says, "I'll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!"

  • One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur standing.

  • One who prefers ripe tomatoes with little dressing.

  • One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever.

  • One who travels fastest in a parked car.

  • One who tries to avoid the issue.

  • One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman's grip.

  • One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.

  • One who washes only one set of dishes.

  • One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.

  • One who when he opens the window in his apartment, moredust blows out than in.

  • One who won't take `Yes' for an answer.

  • One who would rather change girls than change their names.

  • One who would rather cook his own goose.

  • One who would rather have a woman on his mind than onhis neck.

  • One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.

Blondes Unlimited

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said 'concentrate'.

Why do blondes work seven days a week?
So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons?
You can also sit upright in a car.

What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

How does a blonde like her eggs?

Engineers favorite Blonde Joke

What's the definition of a metallurgist?
A man who can tell if a platinum blonde is a virgin metal or a common ore.

What's the difference between Elvis and smart blondes?
Elvis has been sighted.

What is the difference between a new blonde and an old blonde?
Vaseline and Poli-Grip.

What's the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop.

What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?
The shopping cart has a mind of its own

What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?
The light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

What's the difference between a blonde and a walrus?
One has whiskers and fishy flaps, and the other is a walrus

What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?
She peed on her corn flakes.

What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written
on the overhead transparency?
She turned it over and used the other side.

What is a blonde's idea of dental floss?
Pubic hair.

What did the really dumb blond say when someone blew in her ear?
Thanks for the refill.

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave to her.

How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
Shine a torch in her ears.

How do you drown a blond?
Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.

Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
One's a phony buck.

What did the blonde do when she heard the British were coming?
She stopped sucking.

How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
The bushes are darker than the rest of the

How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?

Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
One that never misses a period.

What is every blonde's ambition in life?
To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

What can save a dying blonde?
Hair transplants.

What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
Third Grade.

What did the blonde say about blonde jokes?
She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.

Why doesn't a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
Because the vacuum in her head keeps them in place.

What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?

What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?
A hundred dollar bill.

How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A 69 interrupted by a period.

Private Indentification

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.   As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His walk was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." The mailman comments.

Bob, in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild.  Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we played who am I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our privates showing through a hole in the sheet.   Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds.  "Your name came up four or five times."

Husband And Wife Code

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Chain of Events

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches. I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches. That fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich...."Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich. Then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish...
The hunter shoots the bear...
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse...
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches some pussy is in serious danger.

The Wrong Choice

A woman awakes during the night to find her husband not in their bed. She puts on her robe, goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do," she replies. The husband pauses, the words not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love, and you were a little younger than you should have been?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too," she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...

"I would have got out today."

Bank Robbery

Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately.

The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.  As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.

The process continued until all safes were opened.  They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.

Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline that day read:


Wednesday, January 18, 2006


Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.

Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 US leader

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill dough.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration"

Duct Tape isn't the Solution

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Boy or Girl?

Post office lady: How old is he? (Referring to my son sitting on the counter top)

Me: Two plus.

Post office lady: Boy or girl?

Me: He's a boy (Huh? Not obvious enough ah. )

Me: Damus, are you a boy or girl?

Damus: I'm a boy. I have koo-koo (referring to his manly thing).

I'm glad to see our first biology lesson had been well learned. (From http://mamasbagoftricks.blogspot.com)

Love Dress

A mother-in-law unexpectedly stopped by her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house.

She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work." the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I'd appreciate it if you would leave because he'll be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing." he said.

The Confession

A boy went to the priest for confession:

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.

The priest, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?

Yes, Father it is.

And who was the woman you were with?

I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.

Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?

I cannot say.

Was it Teresa Volpe?

I'll never tell.

Was it Nina Capeli?

I'm sorry but I cannot name her.

Was it Cathy Piriano?

My lips are sealed.

Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?

Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over beside him and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads . . . . "

20 bucks or else...

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop.? "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady, "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.  Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, ‘$20 or off it comes!’"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up."

Honeymoon Prank

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends was married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or strippers, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed and put their attention to consummating the union.

Upon waking after such an active night, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room service and asked "Can I get breakfast for two?”

Before he was able to hang up, however, a soft voice from under the bed said "Make that five..."

Two Nuns

There were two nuns…

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).  

It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent.  

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.  

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.  

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?  

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.  

SM: It's not working.  

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, to o.  

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.  

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.  

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried about what had happened to Sister Logical.  

Then Sister Logical arrived.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!  

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me  

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?  

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he star ted to run as fast as he could.  

SM: And?  

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.  

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?  

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.  

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?  

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.  

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?  

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, Say two Hail Marys!

Different Meanings

The Washington Post's Style Invitational has once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

3. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

4. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running a fever.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Who's in charge?

The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

Each organ took a turn speaking up:

Brain.... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.

Blood... I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.

Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.

Legs.... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go.

Eyes... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it 's going.

Asshole... I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.

All the other parts laughed and made the asshole very mad.

To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.

Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief

Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly

Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable

Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred

Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body

Day 6 - The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.

The moral of the story: No matter who you are, or how important you think you are, you will find that it is always the asshole that is in charge.

Getting Drunk

Mick and Paul fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money, they only managed to scrape together a staggering 50 pence. Mick said, 'Hang on, I've got an idea' - went to the butcher's shop and came out with a large Cumberland Sausage.

Paul: 'Are you crazy? Now we haven't got any money left at all!'

Mick: 'Don't worry - just follow me...'

They went into the next pub where he immediately ordered two pints and two large Jack Daniel's.

Paul: 'Now you've really lost it - do you know how much trouble we'll be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Mick: 'Don't worry. I've got a plan - cheers!'

They had their drinks and Mick said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zip - you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

Said and done, the landlord noticed it, went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk - all for free.  At the tenth pub Paul said, 'Mate - I don't think I can continue this any longer - I'm p*ssed and my knees are killing me.'

Mick replied, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub...'

The Kiss

An older lady was lonely and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.

As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely, too. Buy me, and you won't be sorry."

The old lady figured what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me, and you won't be sorry." So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.

Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy young prince.

Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?

The first motel she could find. (She's old, not dead!)

Burgers and Donuts

A little old lady sat down at the luncheonette counter and ordered a hamburger.

The huge, sweaty guy behind the counter bellowed, "One burger!" Then he grabbed a hunk of chopped meat, stuffed it into his bare armpit, pumped his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tossed it onto the grill.

The old lady said, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!"

The cashier said, "Really? You should be here in the morning when he makes the donuts!"


A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. The man looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

"Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asked.

The woman paused and then said, "Unbutton your shirt." The man opened his shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair.

The woman said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," as she processed his Social Security application.

When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants -- you might have qualified for disability, too."

As hot as 50 years ago...

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "50 years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds!"

"Well..." his wife snickered, "What do you say ... should we get naked?"

The old man nodded, and the two of them took all their clothes off and sat back down at the table.

"You know, honey," the old lady whispered breathlessly, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied her husband. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

Let me do it!

The family wheeled Grandma out onto the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to the left, so again, the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon, she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

Waiting to Have it

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two nuns sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said, "Heavens no, we bought it."

He said, "Then why don't you drive it away?"

"We can't drive", they said, “We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed! So we're just waiting."

Is yours raisin?

A general store owner hired a young female clerk who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day, a young man entered the store, glanced at the clerk, and glanced at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he had a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man said politely. The female clerk nodded and climbed up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which was located on the very top shelf.

The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descended the ladder, he mused that he really should get two loaves, as he was having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieved the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers noticed what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requested his own loaf of raisin bread, so he could continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seemed to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male patron was asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips, she became tired and irritated and began thinking that she would have to try this bread for herself!

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stopped and fumed, glaring at the men standing below. She noticed an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her.

Thinking it might save her a trip, she yelled at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?"

"No," croaked the old man, "But it's startin' to quiver."

Friday, January 13, 2006

Worst Date (Part 2)

Possibly it was the excitement of going out with Dave, her new boyfriend, for the first time. Alternatively, it could have been something she had eaten. Whatever the reason, Caroline had been stricken for the last hour with a rather bad attack of wind. By the time her date arrived it was all she could do to get from the house and into the car without disgracing herself.

As Dave closed the door on her side and walked round to his, in desperation Caroline exploded with a very large and loud fart. Dave, getting into the driving seat, appeared not to have noticed.

However, turning to her and indicating towards the back seat he said, "Let me introduce my two friends, Linda and Brian. I thought they would like to join us tonight!"

Worst Date (Part 1)

This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold, and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!”

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal.

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down… or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment ... "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."

Thursday, January 12, 2006


After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her right stand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

The Waiting

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

Taxing It

I think we could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex.

Everyone would pay their share. Young people would pay more taxes and your tax liability would decrease as you got older (some of us). And it would promote family values.

How would you like to come home to your wife and have her ask, "Honey, why is your tax bill larger than mine?" Or be a teenager and come home to your dad with your tax bill in his hand.

We wouldn't have to pay people to work for the IRS. They would be paying to work there just so they could review people’s returns.

Locker room conversations would change, "Get a load of this tax bill!"

The forms would change a little also. We would now have a 1040Quickee. And it would give a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."

The Inseminator

A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.

"That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so's you know which one I want him to impregnate".

Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.

That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.

"This is the cow right here" she tells him.

"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.

The wife replies, "I guess it's to hang up your pants."

What do you call that?

One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends.

Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed. He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water.

To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said "Did you like what you saw?"

Mike said "Yes I did."

She said, "Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500."

So Mike thought about this financial situation and said okay. She said come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then.

Mike said, "I'll see you then."

The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, and then he left.

Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today?"

She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did."

Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."

Personal Ads

Mafia leader seeks sleazy woman who can dodge bullets, meet in rat-infested motels, and speak Russian. Must be able to keep a secret.

Mormon male looking for one or more females for a long-term relationship. Must have childbearing hips and be willing to give birth to at least four children. Catholics need not apply.

Single, unemployed female with several children out of wedlock is looking for a sugar daddy to support my children and me. Skills include nose-wiping and diaper-changing. Ear plugs included. No experience necessary.

Petite mountaineeress seeks tall female for climbing. If you're under 6 feet tall, averse to ropes, or wary of long expeditions, don't apply.

Single, white, affluent male starting a savage cult; orders submissive, obedient followers to worship and praise my every move. No shirt, no shoes, no service.

Ready? OK! Collegiate cheerleader looking for quarterback to bring his helmet, pads, and offensive line to bed. First and ten! Do it again!

Anal Glaucoma

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that

She is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

Boys will be Boys

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby. She said, "Let's start with the boys first". Boys started giving their intro.

First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub".

Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next".

Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."

Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next".

Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".

Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next".

This continues...

And the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see Bubble in the bathtub".

Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please."

First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds".

Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next".

Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes".

Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet Girl; Yes you..."

Most beautiful girl of the class gets up:

"Ma’am, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day".

Matter of Fact

This story indicates how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read, "…so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and
said: 'Pardon me, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused, and then asked the class, "And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly "I think the man would have said: "Fuck me! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Excessive Demands

A farmer's wife was at her lawyer's getting advice about a divorce.

"He makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Jones."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, Mr. Jones," says the farmer's wife, "this morning I was looking at the chickens when he crept up behind me and had me from behind!"

"Chickens? Mrs. Smith, I didn't know you kept chickens."

"We don't, Mr. Jones. This was in the supermarket!"

The Truth

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, which was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, ‘Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!’ "He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, ‘George Bush is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!’

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

Who is better?

Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they're both already married.

Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. "So what did you think?" he asks.

"Ahh," replies the first lawyer, "my wife is better."

Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary. "So," asks the first guy, "what did you think?"

The second guy replies, "You were right, your wife IS better."

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Cheaper Route

A couple, aged 65 and 67, went to the doctor's office. The Doctor asked them, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked confused but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $20.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, and pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Please explain, just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man responded, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. The Sheraton Hotel charges $52.00 and Hilton Hotel charges $37.00. We do it here for $20.00 and I get $18.00 back from from insurance company for a visit to the doctor’s office."

New Rules for 2006

New Rule 1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: he's mowing my lawn!
New Rule 2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule 3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "lucky little @#$%^&".
New Rule 4: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule 5: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket and it costs more than gasoline for crying out loud. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let the ice melt. Now you've got some decent, flavored water.
New Rule 6: Stop f'ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule 7: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh buddy, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule 8: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? Who gives a shit - put it in a bag so I can get out of here.
New Rule 9: Just because your tattoo is a butterfly with Chinese characters under it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above your left boob and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule 10: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule 11: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule 12: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule 13: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.
New Rule 14: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule 15: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months" - "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Golf, Anyone?

A young woman in shorts has been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffers a bee sting. Her pain is so intense that she decides to return to the clubhouse for help, and to lay a complaint.

The club golf pro sees her come storming into the clubhouse and asks, "Why are you back off the fairways so soon? Is something wrong?"

"Yes! I was stung by a bee", she says.

"Where", he asks concerned.

"Between the first and second hole", she replies.

He nods knowingly and says, "Then your stance is too wide."


"Doc", says Wellington, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Wellington.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK”, says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Wellington has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, Vepai, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Wellington,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the Vepai, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Wellington stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”

Trouser Snake

If you think that the Cobra is the most venomous snake in the world then you are mistaken... The following snake has been found to be the most venomous:

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying from pink to black.

Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 1-3 feet)

* Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & subspecies.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal.

Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.


TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks any how.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 15-20 minutes.

CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

Anger Management

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Andrew. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an Asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an Asshole!"

It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,
"Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company.I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an Asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial),
I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.

I called Asshole #1.

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me!," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

NOW, I feel better.......

Friday, January 06, 2006

Secret Code

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:  

Bush was baffled, so he emailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.   No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.  

With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:  
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

The Golfer and the Frog

A golfer, playing a strange course for the first time, was teeing up on the first hole. He took out a 3-wood and addressed the ball. Suddenly, a voice to his right said, "No, take a club extra!"

He looks around and sees a small frog sat at the side of the tee. "Was that you?" he asked the frog. The frog nods and repeats his instruction, "Take a club extra."

The golfer shrugs, takes out a 2-wood and takes a cracking shot straight down the centre of the fairway, landing on the green. He turns to the frog and says, "Cheers mate! Do you know this course well? Do you want a lift?" The frog nods and so the golfer picks it up and places it on the top of his golf cart.

All the way round, the frog gives him instructions as to the course layout and club selection to the point that, after 18 holes, he has had three holes-in-one and ends up smashing the course record.

In the car park afterwards when the golfer has put away his clubs, he turns to the frog and says, "Thanks mate. You've helped me to produce the best performance of my life, smash the course record, get three holes-in-one and win £2000 as a result! If there's anything you want, just name it! Anything at all!"

The frog cocks its head and aswers, "I've never been to a casino before." "Okay," replies the golfer, and he takes the frog into town and to a casino. He walks in the door with the frog on his shoulder and asks it what it would like to do.

"Roulette," croaks the frog and the golfer goes over and cashes his money into chips. He sits at the table and says to the frog, "What do you fancy?"

Once again, the frog cocks its head and croaks "Everything on 22 black."

"Everything?" repeats the golfer.

"Yep, everything." repeats the frog. The golfer places the bet and it comes up, winning them a further £500k.

All night long, the frog is giving him tips and he finishes the night breaking the bank and a multi millionnaire. Once again, he thanks the frog for a wonderful time and asks it if there's anything else it wants.

"Book the pent-house suite at the Grand." croaks the frog.

The golfer smiles at this."Great idea. I'm knackered!" Once booked in, the golfer takes the frog up to the pent-house and asks if there's anything else it would like.

"Place me on the bed and kiss me!" answers the frog.

Thinking that this is the least he can do after such a successful venture, the golfer obliges and the frog instantly turns into a beautiful sixteen year old girl, perfectly proportioned, lying naked on the bed! She gazes up into the golfer's amazed face, puts her arms around him and whispers, "Make love to me darling."

And that, Your Honor, is the motion for the Defense!

Unquotable Quotes

  • "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his plane." Author Unknown.

  • "It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers.

  • "If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield.

  • "Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy." Steve Martin.

  • "My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of fifteen'." Emo Philips.

  • "My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects." Les Dawson.

  • "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." Woody Allen.

  • "My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." Woody Allen.

  • "I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." Woody Allen.

  • "There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." Unknown.

  • "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Emo Philips.

  • "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Steven Seagal.

  • "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams.

  • "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" Marilyn Pittman.

  • "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Harrods comes out with a ride-on vacuum cleaner." Roseanne.

  • "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." Johnny Carson.

  • "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." Paul Rodriguez.

  • "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." Jerry Seinfeld.

  • "Bigamy is having one wife or husband too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde.

  • "Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children". A Mom.

Calling Bill

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she is in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this has happened to her.

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming, "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me?"

Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

Some things in life are certain

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick looking, well-dressed, just past middle-age gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want to see Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills.

The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and an hour later, he left.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia.”

"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a family who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

Moral: Some things in life are certain: taxes, death, and being screwed by a lawyer.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Little Johnny

The naughty, Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "

“But Dad, it was not my fault.We were all in church saying our prayers.We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out.That`s when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said. "You don`t do those kind of things to women."

The very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny`s father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It was not my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers.We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt.Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn`t like this, so I pushed it back in!"

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

A Medical Problem

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

Change the Oil

He was 80, she was 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl.

After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said: "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?"

Again he said, "You've got the keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said, "Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man!"

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running.”

The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."

Great Liar

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. She asks, "Where the heck have you been?!"

"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You Filthy Liar!! You went bowling again!!"

Watch Your Hands

One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home.

As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood. With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"

Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on!

There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way, it's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you ...”

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she said,

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours....