Wednesday, February 13, 2008

The Lizard

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can
you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she
inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she
informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'

I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.

It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.'

(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can
be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
but this boy is of her womb!)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen.

Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as
they come into maturity, like most male species, they um. . . um . . .
masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just. . . just . . ,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just. . .that. . .

I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little... ' She
gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay. 'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he
told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Oh btw, if you haven't realized it by now, Lizards lay eggs!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Why men don't write advice columns

Dear Bob:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn 't gone more than
a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to
a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad
passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been
married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out
that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her
rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our
house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately
began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free
when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any
clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair
for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but
ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly
distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk
___________________________________________________________________

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding
the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Bob

*** You see the problem? In all likelihood, that car has fuel injection,
not a carburetor.

Friday, February 08, 2008

The Nun in Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

How Wal-Mart Greeters Are Hired

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning. "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And, now you sir?", he asked the second man. "Hmmm...let me see. "A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. "Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of" The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh sure", said Old Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already crapped my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

The Missing Pole






The subtlety of the ad is stunning. The picture looks completely innocent until you notice the details - the missing pole!

Doing a Marlyn

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Monday, February 04, 2008