Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Homesick

A traveling salesman is in a small town in the Midwest, when his trip is
suddenly prolonged for an extra month. He was already getting bored there and
over the course of the extra month he becomes very homesick. Finally, he decides to give in to temptation and visit the local brothel.

He walks up to the madam and hands her a hundred dollars and says, "Give me the worst blowjob in town."

The madam says, "For this kind of money, you can have the best blowjob."

"No, no," says the man, "You don't understand, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

Ways to Turn Men Down

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing

The Sneaky Patient

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. Are my testicles black?

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

Twenty Push-ups

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.

After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.

He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."

What-Ifs

One day an elderly married golfing couple were discussing the "what-ifs" and the wife asked her husband:

Q: "What if I died before you? Would you marry again?"
A: "Maybe"
Q: "Would you take her out to dinner and wine and dine her?"
A: "Probably - Yes I would"
Q: "Would you sleep with her in the same bed we slept in?"
A: "Maybe"
Q: "Would you make love to her?"
A: "Probably"
Q: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
A: "No - She's left-handed"

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Promise Not to Laugh

A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"OK then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.

Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again."

"OK," the man says.

"Now," the doctor says, getting down to business. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Well," the guy says, "it's swollen...."

Obsessions

Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children on his TV show. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

All denied being obsessed with anything. "You are -- all of you!" he insisted.

"You are obsessed with eating," he said to the first mother. "You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is with money: Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and says, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."

Monday, June 12, 2006

Diwali - US Style

A young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to explain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother, this is how he went about it...

"So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something... Since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so.. he decided to get his wife and his bro along... you know...so that they could all chill out together.

But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit... really man... they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows... so it was fine.

But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed..... all the gods were with him... So anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys.. Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok... ..

So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood. Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest.. and anyways...it gets kinda boring,you know... no TV or malls or shit like that.

So,they decided to hitch a ride back home... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home... they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit...and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also... so it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks...

Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks... and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding.., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks... you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started."

Miserable Relationships

I married a widow who had a grown-up daughter. My father, who visited us quite often, fell in love with my step daughter and married her. Hence, my father became my son-in-law, and my step-daughter became my mother. Some months later, my wife gave birth to a son, who became the brother in law of my father as well as my uncle.

The wife of my father, that is my step daughter, also had a son. Thereby, I got a brother and at the same time a grandson. My wife is my grandmother, since she is my mother's mother. Hence, I am my wife's husband and at the same time her step-grandson; in other words, I am my own grandfather.

Who's Guilty?

Wife was dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts:

"Up!! Quick! My husband is back."

Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts his butt, and then realizes:

"Damn, I'm the husband!"

Saturday, June 10, 2006

The God and Others

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon, bragging to one another about their successful sons.

The first woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps in, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third woman crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."

Since the fourth woman just sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle, "Well...?" sort of look.

"My son is 6'2" has broad square shoulders is terribly handsome and dresses exceptionally well. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say 'Oh my God...'."

51 Worst Pickup Lines

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.
3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going....
9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.
11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to "tinker" around with.
13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb.
14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
17. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.
19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
21. If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.
22. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"
23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine.
24. I look good on you.
25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
26. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?
27. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?
28. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
29. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
30. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.
31. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
32. Do you want to dance, No? Well I guess a fuck is out of the question.
33. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
34. I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?
35. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
36. My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, mead till hard, and serve hot.
37. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.
38. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
39. Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me.
40. Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.
41. The word for the night is legs, legs go back to my room and spread the word.
42. Hey baby, what's your name? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?
43. Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.
44. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
45. Was you dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.
46. Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go Choo choo.
47. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.
48. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
49. Guy: "haven't I seen you someplace before?", Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore"
50. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of your mouth.
51. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

Indian Version

Friday, June 09, 2006

The Excuse

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Classic TV Blooper

What is it called?

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling"

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you right now."

The Genie

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."

"Could I see him?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

The Sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A) Almost Boobs...

(B) Barely there.

(C) Can't Complain!

(D) Dang!

(DD) Double dang!

(E) Enormous!

(F) Fake.

(G) Get a Reduction.

(H) Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

The Cruise

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for him and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!" and he returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry, but if it makes you sick why do you keep doing it?"

Thursday, June 01, 2006

The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,   smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?   I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

Magic Beer

A lady walks into a bar in a high-rise hotel and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself.  She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.  "Magic Beer," he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you."   He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.  The lady can't believe it!   "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you’re a real asshole when you're drunk."