Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Do you know Jesus?

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction
site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend
some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with
them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot
where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big
smile said: 'Do you men know Jesus Christ?'

They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers
looked up into the steelworks and yelled, 'Anybody up there know Jesus

One of the steelworkers yelled down 'Why'?

The worker yelled back, 'His wife's here with his lunch!'

What Generosity!

Wife comes home early find her husband in bed with a strange woman.

She says, "That's it, I'm leaving & never coming back."

He says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"

She shrugs & says, "Fine, let's hear your story. This had better be

He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young lady
in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying.I took pity on her and
asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house.She climbed into
my truck and I brought her home.

"She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you
anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you 2 years ago that
you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought & wore only twice.

"I gave her some of the roast beef in the fridge, that you never used.
Then I showed her to the door.

"She was so grateful for all these things, she thanked me profusely and
as she was about to leave she turned around and asked me ...

'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore????'"

No toilet paper

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very
faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on
the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped
in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was
wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin
them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a
wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next
day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet
and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to
suspect the worst.. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
stuck to her butt that said..... "From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you."

Now that's a Problem


Wedding Vs Golf

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom
was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all
day, is it?"

Wedding Anniversary

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds - AND IT BETTER BE

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there
was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife
put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in
the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

Rudy Giuliani's Push To Save America...


The Doctor's Funeral

A funeral was held for a cardiologist. At the parlor, a big heart was in
front of the casket.

At the end of the eulogies, the big heart open up and swallowed the

A person sitting in the back began to laugh. Everyone turned around to
look at him. "Well," he said, "I was just wondering what it would be
like at my funeral. I am a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

The Confession

An elderly retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to
make his Confession; the first time in many decades.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and
asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You
have no need to confess it."

"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to
repay me with sexual favors."

"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal
conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question?"

"What, my son?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

What am I doing wrong?

(This appeared on Craig's list)
The question:
Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York . I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests. PostingID: 432279810
The answer:

Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.
Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!
So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating,
not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know."
Jorge Luis Garay

Monastery Of Silence

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said,
"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You're welcome here as long as you
like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the
Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5
Years. You can speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food." said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that
the food would be better in the future.

On her 15 anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister
Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

It's probably best," said the Priest, "you've done nothing but bitch
since you got here.

The Italian Grandfather

An Italian family was considering putting their grandfather in a
nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they
had to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish
facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asked the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said
Grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the
wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the
residents here," Grandpa said with a big smile.

"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the
violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! There is a
judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30
years, and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'! And there's a
physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for
25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!

And me...., I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The
Fucking Italian'!"

Friday, October 26, 2007

The Nun and the Cabbie

A cabbie picks up a nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver
won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"Ok" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a
hooker blush.

When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's ok. My name's Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween

The Pest Affair

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man

'Oh yeah? And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, .. 'Those little bastards.....'

Thursday, October 25, 2007

The Hammer Killer

A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, "You're
charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

"You b*stard!" yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.

"You're also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer,"
says the judge.

"B*stard!" the same person yells.

The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom. "Sir,
one more outburst and I'll charge you with contempt."

"I'm sorry, Your Honor," says the man. "But I've been this bastard's
neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he
said he didn't have one."

What doctors can do these days...

A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out
looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four

A British doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we
can take a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have him out
looking for work in two weeks."

The American doc, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way
behind! We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to
Washington where she will become President, and half the country will be
out looking for work in less than a week!"

Dear Abby...

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.

What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago; he hasn't even looked for a
new one.

All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his
buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like
me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

- Desperate in NY...

Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump the jerk.

Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore!

You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of
the United States. Act like one!

- Abby

The Deer Hunter

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being
interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The
discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head
of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it
'Are you the one that killed my brother?' '

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they
care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw
next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the

The interview ended at that point.

We're gonna miss you!

(Keep in mind this actually really did happen!!!! This is someone who
was moving from an insurance claims office. Okay so this is how I
imagine this conversation went:)

Walmart Employee: "Hello ~dis Walmarts, how can I help you?

Customer: I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.

Walmart Employee: What you want on the cake?

Customer: Best Wishes Suzanne and underneath that We will miss you.

Walmart Employee:

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Girl's Night Out....

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake
up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming
up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible
conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9
cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
"MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem mad in the least. Whew, I got away with
that one!

Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'Oh! crap' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

You want me to do what?