Charged

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.  During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.  It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex and invested the money.  As a result of her dutiful saving and investing, they had become wealthy beyond imagination.  Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but when he finally found his voice he blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would havegiven you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

The Nuns and the Parrot

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors. One day, they heard, "Yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "Black, black, black."

Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished. One of the nuns spoke up, "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." After saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.

Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. They peeked at the bird.

At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on. Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"

The $50 Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet storeowner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad."

When her two teen age daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new girls, hi Keith."

Real Fun

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!” he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

A Good Friend

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...

Hard to Find!

Supportive!

Comfortable!

Always Lifts You Up!

Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging!

And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

Hitting Back

An Army Ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was stationed there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she wrote that she had slept with two guys while he has been gone, she wanted to break up and requested that he send back her picture.

The soldier did what any squared away soldier would do. He went around to all his buddies and collected all the unwanted photographs of women. He then mailed about twenty five of the pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."