101 Lies Men Tell Women

1. I'll call you.
2. I love you.
3. You're the only one.
4. I've never felt this way about anyone else.
5. I've got to work late at the office tonight.
6. That's the best sex I've ever had.
7. You've got the most beautiful eyes
8. No, I'm not married
9. Sorry. I must have left my wallet and credit cards at home.
10. You just have to believe me when I tell you nothing's wrong.
11. I'm ready to make a commitment.
12. Except for a beer or two, I never drink.
13. My wife and I haven't had sex in years.
14. We'll get married as soon as I ...
15. I'll be home in twenty minutes.
16. It's not that I don't care - I just have to spend more time
with my kids.
17. I've only slept with maybe ten women in my entire life.
18. I've been celibate since we broke up.
19. I could never lie to you.
20. I can still last all night
21. I always use a condom
22. I can help you get a great job in my company (field)

23. I haven't seen her since she and I broke up

24. I tested HIV negative

25. I haven't seen her since she and I broke up

26. The only sexual fantasies I have are about you

27. No, I don't think your thighs (stomach, breasts, hips, etc.) are too big
28. I'm too tired
29. How could you think I'd be interested in her? She's your best friend
30. When it comes to oral sex, I'm the best

31. I've never had any trouble keeping an erection before

32. It's you and me, babe - we'll make love all over Europe

33. I'd never do anything to hurt you.

34. I want to grow old with you
35. Believe me, my wife and I live very separate lives

36. Our having sex won't change a thing between us

37. Don't worry, I've had a vasectomy

38. I'm going to leave my wife

39. You're nothing at all like my mother

40. Your being a different religion doesn't matter to me

41. It doesn't bother me that you make more money than I do

42. Even without sex, we'd still be friends

43. I think older women are the most exciting

44. I'm considered one of the top people (in my field, in the company)
45. What attracts me to you is your mind

46. We'll split all the child care and household chores fifty-fifty
47. Of course I don't mind that you didn't come

48. I've never had an affair before

49. You're the only one who understands me

50. I've never been in therapy

51. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me

52. No, I'm not seeing anyone else

53. I haven't thought about her (old girlfriend) in years

54. How many times do I have to tell you I'm not having an affair?
55. Your career is as important as mine

56. I promise you that I'll change

57. I want us to remain close friends always

58. My wife and I have an understanding

59. You're wonderful; you deserve someone better than me

60. I don't masturbate

61. Let's be friends first

62. When you walked through that door, I knew it was the real thing
63. I'd like you even if you were a man

64. It's okay to be good looking, but looks just don't mean that much to me
65. The difference between us will bring us even closer

66. I spend everything I earn on you and the kids

67. No, I never said that

68. You make me feel like a kid again

69. I'm going out with the boys (to the gym, to the office)

70. I'll move wherever you want

71. Of course I'm not bored with you

72. As soon as I finish this project (get a promotion, a raise, make partner), we'll......
73. You've got more sex appeal in your little toe than my wife's got in her whole body
74. It wouldn't be you and me anymore if I used one of those

75. Let's pool our assets - whatever is mine is yours

76. I still find you just as attractive as the day I met you

77. Divorce is the farthest thing from my mind

78. Sure, I'll watch the kids

79. It's not just the sex I want, it's being close to you.

80. We'll be spending a lot of time together when I retire

81. You're the only reason I've worked so hard

82. If I didn't have all this work, you know I'd go with you and the kids to your mom's
83. No one's ever turned me on like you do

84. My boss says there's nothing to worry about

85. I'll never tell

86. Relax, she's just a friend

87. This is just a temporary separation until we get things worked out
88. Your hair (dress, outfit) looks fantastic

89. It was just sex - it didn't mean a thing

90. Of course I'm listening to what you're saying
91. Come on in and we'll just cuddle for a few minutes
92. No, I don't think you're fat
93. You're the woman I should have married
94. I'm going to be focusing on my work for a while now.
95. I guarantee you, I'm not the father
96. Your having kids has nothing to do with my not wanting to get married
97. I'm not ashamed of the way you talk (look, act, etc.)
98. It's nothing personal; I just don't like sharing my living space with someone
99. This time I'm really serious
100. Honestly, honey, it's just for the guys - none of the wives go to the conference
101. I'll always take care of you.

Priests on Vacation

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. Determined to make this a real vacation escape by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy, they headed for a store as soon as the plane landed and bought some outrageous shorts, shirts and sandals.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their tourist garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a string bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually; then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? The next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits--these were so loud you could hear them before you saw them. Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, this time topless with just a thong bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Once again, she nodded at each of them, saying, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and then started to walk away. One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer . Standing up, he said, "Just a minute young lady."

"Yes, Father?", she answered.

"We are priests and proud of it," he continued, "but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

"Father, it's ME, Sister Margaret!" she explained.