If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
Don't cut your hair. Ever.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is not sport.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Check your oil.
Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Friday, November 24, 2006
Holy Water
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St.Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever Had any contact with a male organ?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondle and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reva, What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever Had any contact with a male organ?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondle and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reva, What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
The Nun and the Cabbie
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Friday, November 17, 2006
Romantic 1st lines... and deadly 2nd ones
A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received...
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell
10 Most Stupid Questions
Top 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here...
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:-Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating ,insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ...........it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here...
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:-Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating ,insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ...........it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
Thursday, November 16, 2006
The Winking Problem
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought, however, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry, we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me."
The applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms; red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms, finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and immediately stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me."
The applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms; red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms, finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and immediately stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Internal Affairs
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
**********
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
**********
Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.
**********
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
**********
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
**********
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
**********
Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever !!!"
**********
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
**********
Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?
B'coz people started licking the wrong side.
**********
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend also my son, that's confidential!
**********
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints...
**********
Friend to sardar: Why are u going for a birth control surgery for the ninth time?
Sardar: What to do yaar, my wife still keep getting pregnant._
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
**********
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
**********
Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.
**********
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
**********
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
**********
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
**********
Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever !!!"
**********
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
**********
Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?
B'coz people started licking the wrong side.
**********
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend also my son, that's confidential!
**********
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints...
**********
Friend to sardar: Why are u going for a birth control surgery for the ninth time?
Sardar: What to do yaar, my wife still keep getting pregnant._
Friday, November 10, 2006
Are these my brains?
A three year old was examining his testicles while he was taking a bath.
"Mom," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mother replies: "Not yet."
"Mom," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mother replies: "Not yet."
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Butch the Rooster
John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, hens called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to make sure the eggs were fertile.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too, but on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement Butch had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result ... The judges not only awarded Butch the "No-Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly, Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too, but on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement Butch had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result ... The judges not only awarded Butch the "No-Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly, Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
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