Physics Jokes

Q: What did one quantum physicist say when he wanted to fight another
quantum physicist?
A: Let me atom.

Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum,
and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

Q: What is the name of the first electricity detective?
A: Sherlock Ohms

Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop
asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No,
but I know where I am."

Q: What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
A: From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after
seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.

** Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to
get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a
chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction;
fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his
megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field,
next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.

Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve.
Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set
her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her
resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it
in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried
out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum
output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long
for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current
shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged - every
electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they
fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar
magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to
sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro
was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later,
they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.

Blondes Fight Back

Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?
It doesn't show the dirt.

Who makes all the bras for brunettes?
Fisher-Price

Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable

Why are most brunettes flat-chested?
It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts

Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache

Why is the color brunette considered evil?
When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch?

How can you tell a brunette is lonely?
Check her for a pulse

What is the most frustrated animal in the world?
A brunette rabbit

What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover?
"What part of 'yes' don't you understand ?"

Why did God create brunettes?
So ugly men wouldn't feel left out

What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation

Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant?
From their underarms

Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job?
Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch

How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?
Startled

What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?
A hostage

Guys will be guys

 

Menopause (or PMS) Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his
forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass.

The Hypnotist

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've   been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
 
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
 
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
 
"Well, that is wonderful."
 
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
 
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
 
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
 
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
 
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
 
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
 sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
 
His funeral services will be held on Saturday.

Two Nuns

There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical
(SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!
What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way.. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what
has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us
both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
than man with his pants down.

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a
woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper
may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the
next
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit t he building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor
the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and

Help With Housework.


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop- dead Gorgeous, Help
with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign
reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store

just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

The Dentist

 

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth."

Banned Commercial 2

Banned Commercials

The Spoon

 (A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.) 

 

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

 

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

 

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

 

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

 

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

 

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

 

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

 

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

 

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

 

By tying this string to the tip of our you know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

 

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'  

 
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon'.

Respectfully Cheating

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"