A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Monday, April 25, 2005
Who The Hell Is He?
After a long night of making love this guy rolls over, was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the night stand by the bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" He said hoping to be reassured..
"No, no, no!!!" She said
"Well, who the hell is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" He said hoping to be reassured..
"No, no, no!!!" She said
"Well, who the hell is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."
Worst Email Addresses
Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an E-Mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, however:
So here is the TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses...
10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu
9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu
8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu
6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu
5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - beeranbj@myplace.com
4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu
3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu
2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com
and finally...
1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com
So here is the TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses...
10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu
9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu
8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu
6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu
5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - beeranbj@myplace.com
4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu
3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu
2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com
and finally...
1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com
Postman Pat's Last Day On The Job
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?"
"Well," said the blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'F**k him. Give him five bucks'".
She smiled shyly and said,
"The breakfast was my idea."
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?"
"Well," said the blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'F**k him. Give him five bucks'".
She smiled shyly and said,
"The breakfast was my idea."
Where did you have it?
Imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called ‘Mate Match’. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers ’Yes’, then he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Sydney listeners drop to their knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Fred."
DJ: "Fred, are you married or what?"
Fred: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Fred: "Sarah."
DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Fred?"
Fred: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Fred! Is she at work?"
Fred: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Fred: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Fred."
Fred: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Fred: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Fred: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Fred: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Fred. Where was it at?"
Fred: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Fred: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Fred."
Fred: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great? That’s more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Fred on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."
[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?"
(Touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinko’s."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Fred for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Fred knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. So, do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Sarah: (laughing) "Fred, what the hell are you up to?"
Fred: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Fred's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Fred....uh, this morning before Fred went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, FRED!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Fred: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the arse!"
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called ‘Mate Match’. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers ’Yes’, then he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Sydney listeners drop to their knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Fred."
DJ: "Fred, are you married or what?"
Fred: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Fred: "Sarah."
DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Fred?"
Fred: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Fred! Is she at work?"
Fred: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Fred: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Fred."
Fred: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Fred: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Fred: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Fred: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Fred. Where was it at?"
Fred: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Fred: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Fred."
Fred: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great? That’s more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Fred on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."
[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?"
(Touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinko’s."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Fred for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Fred knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. So, do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Sarah: (laughing) "Fred, what the hell are you up to?"
Fred: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Fred's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Fred....uh, this morning before Fred went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, FRED!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Fred: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the arse!"
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Know When to Quit
A guy with a 25-inch p*n*s went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with this anymore! It's too long."
The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you."
So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and you will find a female frog there. Ask her to marry you. She'll say "No", and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"
So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her,"Will you marry me?"
"No!", she said. He lost 5 inches off his member!
The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"
The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, God, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect.
So he asked again, "Will you marry me?"
And the frog said, "How many time do I have to tell you . .. NO! NO! NO!"
Moral: Know When to Quit
The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you."
So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and you will find a female frog there. Ask her to marry you. She'll say "No", and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"
So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her,"Will you marry me?"
"No!", she said. He lost 5 inches off his member!
The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"
The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, God, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect.
So he asked again, "Will you marry me?"
And the frog said, "How many time do I have to tell you . .. NO! NO! NO!"
Moral: Know When to Quit
Thursday, February 03, 2005
It's Rigged!
A gas station out in the boondocks was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".
Soon a local yokel pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The guy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close, the number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same guy, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The guy guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the guy said to his buddy, "Bubba, I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
Soon a local yokel pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The guy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close, the number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same guy, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The guy guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the guy said to his buddy, "Bubba, I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
Is this 597-7039?
"Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is your Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." Brief pause.
Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."
"Uh, OK then...." Daddy says, "... here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."
"OK, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well Mommy got all scared, jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell downstairs and she's not moving anymore."
"I'm sorry you had to see that, honey. What about 'Uncle Frank'?"
"He jumped out the back window into the swimming pool... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water for Winter, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either." Long pause.
Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 597-7039?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." Brief pause.
Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."
"Uh, OK then...." Daddy says, "... here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."
"OK, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well Mommy got all scared, jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell downstairs and she's not moving anymore."
"I'm sorry you had to see that, honey. What about 'Uncle Frank'?"
"He jumped out the back window into the swimming pool... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water for Winter, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either." Long pause.
Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 597-7039?"
Thursday, January 20, 2005
The Salesman Ladka
Ek bar ek showroom mein salesman ke liye interview ho rahe the. Ek ladka bhi interview dene ayaa. Ladke ko angrezi aati nahin thi, to usko manager - ne reject kar diya.
Ladke ne manager se kaha, "Aapko sale se matlab hona chahiye angrezi se kya? Aap mujhe chance dein, agar sale badh jaye to salary dena nahi to hata dena". Manager ko baat janch gayi. Ladke ko Naukari par rakh liya gaya.
Phir kya tha, doosare din se hi sale dugani, teesare din tiguni aurr daily sale badne lagi. Showroom ke malik ko pata laga, usne manager se kaha, is naye ladke se mujhe milna hai.
Malik showroom par aaya, usne dekha ladka ek customer ko fishing-rod bech raha tha. Woh door khada ho kar hi usko customer se deal karte dekhne lagaa.
Ladke ne fishing-rod bech di. customer ne kaha kitne rupaye, ladka bola Rs.800/-. Yeh kahkar ladke ne customer ke shoes dekhe aur bola, "Itne mehange shoes pahankar fishing karne jayenge? ek sport shoe bhi kharid lijiye", customer ne sport shoes bhi kharid liye.
Ab ladke ne kaha "Talaab kinare dhoop mein baithna padega, ek cap bhi kharid lijiye to theek rehega", customer ne cap bhi kharid li.
Ab ladke ne kaha, "Machli pakadne mein bahut intezar karna padega, kuchch - eatables, wafer , biscuits, bhi le jayiye", customer ne woh bhi kharid liye.
Ladka bola "Machli pakdenge to rakhenge kahan ? yeh ek Rs.100/- ki basket bhi le lijiye", customer ne woh bhi kharid li.
Ab total bill bana Rs.2000/- ka.
Malik bahut khush hua. Usne ladke ko bulaya aur kaha, "Tum to kamal ke salesman ho. Woh aadmi fishing rod kharidane ayaa tha aur tumane usey itna sara samaan bech diya, very good".
Ladka bola, "Woh aadmi to 'Carefree sanitary pack' khridane ayaa tha, maine kaha, 'Char din tu ghar par kya karega, Machli pakad'".
Ladke ne manager se kaha, "Aapko sale se matlab hona chahiye angrezi se kya? Aap mujhe chance dein, agar sale badh jaye to salary dena nahi to hata dena". Manager ko baat janch gayi. Ladke ko Naukari par rakh liya gaya.
Phir kya tha, doosare din se hi sale dugani, teesare din tiguni aurr daily sale badne lagi. Showroom ke malik ko pata laga, usne manager se kaha, is naye ladke se mujhe milna hai.
Malik showroom par aaya, usne dekha ladka ek customer ko fishing-rod bech raha tha. Woh door khada ho kar hi usko customer se deal karte dekhne lagaa.
Ladke ne fishing-rod bech di. customer ne kaha kitne rupaye, ladka bola Rs.800/-. Yeh kahkar ladke ne customer ke shoes dekhe aur bola, "Itne mehange shoes pahankar fishing karne jayenge? ek sport shoe bhi kharid lijiye", customer ne sport shoes bhi kharid liye.
Ab ladke ne kaha "Talaab kinare dhoop mein baithna padega, ek cap bhi kharid lijiye to theek rehega", customer ne cap bhi kharid li.
Ab ladke ne kaha, "Machli pakadne mein bahut intezar karna padega, kuchch - eatables, wafer , biscuits, bhi le jayiye", customer ne woh bhi kharid liye.
Ladka bola "Machli pakdenge to rakhenge kahan ? yeh ek Rs.100/- ki basket bhi le lijiye", customer ne woh bhi kharid li.
Ab total bill bana Rs.2000/- ka.
Malik bahut khush hua. Usne ladke ko bulaya aur kaha, "Tum to kamal ke salesman ho. Woh aadmi fishing rod kharidane ayaa tha aur tumane usey itna sara samaan bech diya, very good".
Ladka bola, "Woh aadmi to 'Carefree sanitary pack' khridane ayaa tha, maine kaha, 'Char din tu ghar par kya karega, Machli pakad'".
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Stressed and Lonely
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road . . . . . . having a Christmas party Friday night . . . . . . . thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great!” says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks! Thank you!"
As Lars is leaving, he stops, ”Gotta warn you . . . . . there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem!" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em!"
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, thanks again!"
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Whatever you want . . . . . . . just gonna be the two of us."
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road . . . . . . having a Christmas party Friday night . . . . . . . thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great!” says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks! Thank you!"
As Lars is leaving, he stops, ”Gotta warn you . . . . . there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem!" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em!"
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, thanks again!"
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Whatever you want . . . . . . . just gonna be the two of us."
Thursday, January 06, 2005
A Scientific 'Get-Together'
One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to try to get a cute coil to let him discharge.
He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride in his megacycle. They rode across Wheatstone bridge, around the sine wave and stopped in a magnetic field by a flowing current.....
Micro farad, attracted by Millie's characteristic curves, decided to engage in a little mutual inductance, and soon had her resistance at a minimum and his field fully excited.
He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her capacitance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it into her tank circuit, connecting them in parallel, and began to short circuit her shunt.
Fully excited, Millie Amp cried, 'MHO, MHO, it Hertz, but give me MHO'. With his tube operation at maximum amplitude, and her coil vibrating from the current flow, they soon reached plate saturation and found their cut-off point. The heavy current flow had gotten the anodes of her tubes hot and Micro farad was rapidly discharged and drained off every electron.
They fluxed all night, trying various connections and sockets until his bar magnet had lost all of its field strength and her grid was leaking.
Afterwards, Millie Amp tried self induction and damaged her solenoids. With his battery fully discharged and his contacts corroded, Micro farad was unable to excite his generator, so they ended by reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses.
He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride in his megacycle. They rode across Wheatstone bridge, around the sine wave and stopped in a magnetic field by a flowing current.....
Micro farad, attracted by Millie's characteristic curves, decided to engage in a little mutual inductance, and soon had her resistance at a minimum and his field fully excited.
He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her capacitance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it into her tank circuit, connecting them in parallel, and began to short circuit her shunt.
Fully excited, Millie Amp cried, 'MHO, MHO, it Hertz, but give me MHO'. With his tube operation at maximum amplitude, and her coil vibrating from the current flow, they soon reached plate saturation and found their cut-off point. The heavy current flow had gotten the anodes of her tubes hot and Micro farad was rapidly discharged and drained off every electron.
They fluxed all night, trying various connections and sockets until his bar magnet had lost all of its field strength and her grid was leaking.
Afterwards, Millie Amp tried self induction and damaged her solenoids. With his battery fully discharged and his contacts corroded, Micro farad was unable to excite his generator, so they ended by reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Three Men
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
Adlines
1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm her
21) If you really love her, wear a cover
22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown
31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
35) Cloak the joker before you poke her
36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
37) Cape your throbber before you bob her
38) After detection sheath your erection
39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser
41) Cover that lumber before you pump her
42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle then release your strudel
45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
47) Cage that snake then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
50) It's always funky to cage your monkey
51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb
53) It's not much money to catch your honey
54) Don't be a fool cover your tool
55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch
56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche
57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive
59) Contain that sputum before you use him
60) Restrain your log then plow her bog
61) Glove your pecker before you check her
62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her
63) Condomize then womanize (or sodomize)
64) Cover old pete then grind her meat
65) Guard your peter before you meet her
66) Check your list before you tryst
67) Wrap your bate before you mate
68) Can your worm before you squirm
69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard
71) Bag the mole then do her hole
72) Cuff your carrot before you share it
73) Jail your number then call the plumber
74) Cover your vein then drive her insane
75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink
77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern
78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry
79) Wrap that spout then bore her out
80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain
81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge >
82) Shroud your trout then make her shout
83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers
85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout
86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
87) Cover your steamer before you ream her
88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish
89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
91) Clothe the boner before you hone her
92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!
93) Cork your pump or you don't hump
94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs
95) Dress that erection to make a deflection
96) Contain that shanker before you spank her
97) Cap that seeder before you breed her
98) Stop the stream before you cream
99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder
100) Protect your screw to catch that glue
101) Package your meat for a real neat treat
102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun
103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her
104) Garage the tractor then attack her
105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her
106) Sock that wanger before you bang her
107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser
108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good
109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke
110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate
111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
113) Catch that goat before it bloats
114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen
115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her
116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk
117) Wrap that rod then please her bod
118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife
119) House that bottle then mash her throttle
120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash
121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
122) Can your knob then throb her swab
123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug
124) Cover your limb before you swim
125) Retain your bailer then impail her
126) Rope your dope then make some soap
127) Net your salamander then make salad in her
128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
131) Cover your stone before you bone
132) House your hose then curl her toes
133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass
134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch
135) Shield your rocks then pond her box
136) Cover old sly then do her dry
137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail
138) Glove your chimney before you come in me
139) If your nude tube your dude
140) Cloak your hitter then go split her
141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her
142) Can your spam then bam that mam
143) Corral your ram then slice her ham
144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver
145) Twist your wick then stick that prick
146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart
147) Shed old spot then do her slot
148) Drawer your pip then split her lips
149) Contain that leach then mash her peach
150) Bag your elm then take the helm
151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem
152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these
153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot
154) Survey your land then plant her stand
155) Before you drive her protect that diver
156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt
157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her
158) Cover you post then slice her roast
159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey
160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon
161) Contain that viper before you pipe her
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm her
21) If you really love her, wear a cover
22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown
31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
35) Cloak the joker before you poke her
36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
37) Cape your throbber before you bob her
38) After detection sheath your erection
39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser
41) Cover that lumber before you pump her
42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle then release your strudel
45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
47) Cage that snake then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
50) It's always funky to cage your monkey
51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb
53) It's not much money to catch your honey
54) Don't be a fool cover your tool
55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch
56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche
57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive
59) Contain that sputum before you use him
60) Restrain your log then plow her bog
61) Glove your pecker before you check her
62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her
63) Condomize then womanize (or sodomize)
64) Cover old pete then grind her meat
65) Guard your peter before you meet her
66) Check your list before you tryst
67) Wrap your bate before you mate
68) Can your worm before you squirm
69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard
71) Bag the mole then do her hole
72) Cuff your carrot before you share it
73) Jail your number then call the plumber
74) Cover your vein then drive her insane
75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink
77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern
78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry
79) Wrap that spout then bore her out
80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain
81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge >
82) Shroud your trout then make her shout
83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers
85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout
86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
87) Cover your steamer before you ream her
88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish
89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
91) Clothe the boner before you hone her
92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!
93) Cork your pump or you don't hump
94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs
95) Dress that erection to make a deflection
96) Contain that shanker before you spank her
97) Cap that seeder before you breed her
98) Stop the stream before you cream
99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder
100) Protect your screw to catch that glue
101) Package your meat for a real neat treat
102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun
103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her
104) Garage the tractor then attack her
105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her
106) Sock that wanger before you bang her
107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser
108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good
109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke
110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate
111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
113) Catch that goat before it bloats
114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen
115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her
116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk
117) Wrap that rod then please her bod
118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife
119) House that bottle then mash her throttle
120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash
121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
122) Can your knob then throb her swab
123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug
124) Cover your limb before you swim
125) Retain your bailer then impail her
126) Rope your dope then make some soap
127) Net your salamander then make salad in her
128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
131) Cover your stone before you bone
132) House your hose then curl her toes
133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass
134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch
135) Shield your rocks then pond her box
136) Cover old sly then do her dry
137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail
138) Glove your chimney before you come in me
139) If your nude tube your dude
140) Cloak your hitter then go split her
141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her
142) Can your spam then bam that mam
143) Corral your ram then slice her ham
144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver
145) Twist your wick then stick that prick
146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart
147) Shed old spot then do her slot
148) Drawer your pip then split her lips
149) Contain that leach then mash her peach
150) Bag your elm then take the helm
151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem
152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these
153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot
154) Survey your land then plant her stand
155) Before you drive her protect that diver
156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt
157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her
158) Cover you post then slice her roast
159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey
160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon
161) Contain that viper before you pipe her
Dog and the Mother-in-Law
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!"
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!"
The Sister-in-Law
True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
One Liners
Q. How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q. What's six inches long that women love?
A. Folding money.
Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.
Q. What is the new gay website address?
A. c : enter ### (see colon enter pound pound pound).
Q. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
A. Speed bumps.
Q. What's got four legs and one arm?
A. A Rottweiler.
Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
A. When you open her legs the lights go on.
Q. When does a cub become a boy scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie.
Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.
Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A. He was half nuts!!!
Q. What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
A. Collecting her thoughts.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q: What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
A: Odor eaters
Q: Why do men name their penis?
A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.
Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So men will talk to them.
Q: Why do only 30% of men get into Heaven?
A: If it were more, it would be Hell.
Q: What is the new gay website address?
A: c : enter # # #
Q: Why do men like big tits and tight pussy?
A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.
Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.
Q: Why don't women have any brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in.
Q: What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?
A: Her feet!
Q: What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist?
A: A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush.
Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.
Q: Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
A: So he could run his fingers through his hair.
Q: Whats the difference between a microwave and a woman.
A: A microwave doesn't scream when you put a piece of meat in it.
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.
Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A: They're hiring.
Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A: Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying, "Yo".
Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp.
Q: Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?
A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A: A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.
Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.
Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.
Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q. What's six inches long that women love?
A. Folding money.
Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.
Q. What is the new gay website address?
A. c : enter ### (see colon enter pound pound pound).
Q. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
A. Speed bumps.
Q. What's got four legs and one arm?
A. A Rottweiler.
Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
A. When you open her legs the lights go on.
Q. When does a cub become a boy scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie.
Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.
Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A. He was half nuts!!!
Q. What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
A. Collecting her thoughts.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q: What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
A: Odor eaters
Q: Why do men name their penis?
A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.
Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So men will talk to them.
Q: Why do only 30% of men get into Heaven?
A: If it were more, it would be Hell.
Q: What is the new gay website address?
A: c : enter # # #
Q: Why do men like big tits and tight pussy?
A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.
Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.
Q: Why don't women have any brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in.
Q: What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?
A: Her feet!
Q: What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist?
A: A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush.
Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.
Q: Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
A: So he could run his fingers through his hair.
Q: Whats the difference between a microwave and a woman.
A: A microwave doesn't scream when you put a piece of meat in it.
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.
Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A: They're hiring.
Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A: Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying, "Yo".
Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp.
Q: Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?
A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A: A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.
Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.
Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.
Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
The Farmer
There were two farmers on a farm. One farmer was sitting in the kitchen when the other one came in from the barn with a glass of white liquid. He was so excited because he had just milked a cow. Then he took a big drink from the glass.
The other farmer just stared at him and said, 'We don't have a cow, we have a bull.'
The other farmer just stared at him and said, 'We don't have a cow, we have a bull.'
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Chocolate Ice Cream
A man walks into the local ice cream parlor and tells the attendant he wants a gallon of vanilla, a gallon of strawberry and a gallon of chocolate ice cream.
"Sorry" says the attendant, "we're all out of chocolate ice cream."
"In that case" says the man, "I'll have a pint of vanilla, a pint of strawberry and a pint of chocolate."
"I told you we don't have any chocolate ice cream, buddy" says the attendant, becoming slightly annoyed.
"OK, in that case" says the man, "I'll have a scoop of vanilla, a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate."
"Look, mister, what does the V-A-N in vanilla spell?"
"Van" he replies, "But what does that have to do with ice cream?"
"Never mind, what does the S-T-R-A-W in strawberry spell?"
"Straw" he answers, "But I still don't understand what this has got to do with my getting the ice cream I want?"
"What does the F-U-C-K in chocolate spell?" asks the attendant.
"Wait a minute" says the man, "there's no fuck in chocolate!"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you - there's no fuckin' chocolate dick brain, now get out of my store."
"Sorry" says the attendant, "we're all out of chocolate ice cream."
"In that case" says the man, "I'll have a pint of vanilla, a pint of strawberry and a pint of chocolate."
"I told you we don't have any chocolate ice cream, buddy" says the attendant, becoming slightly annoyed.
"OK, in that case" says the man, "I'll have a scoop of vanilla, a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate."
"Look, mister, what does the V-A-N in vanilla spell?"
"Van" he replies, "But what does that have to do with ice cream?"
"Never mind, what does the S-T-R-A-W in strawberry spell?"
"Straw" he answers, "But I still don't understand what this has got to do with my getting the ice cream I want?"
"What does the F-U-C-K in chocolate spell?" asks the attendant.
"Wait a minute" says the man, "there's no fuck in chocolate!"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you - there's no fuckin' chocolate dick brain, now get out of my store."
Men in the John
EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips his shorts.
SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.
CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later.
INDIFFERENT: All urinals being in use, he pisses in the sink.
CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor.
WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes a quick inspection.
FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out his tie, pisses in his pants.
CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows the man in the next stall will get blamed.
PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
DESPERATE: Waits in a long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, and then does both.
FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses on shoes.
LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
DISGRUNTED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
CONCEITED: Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.
SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.
CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later.
INDIFFERENT: All urinals being in use, he pisses in the sink.
CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor.
WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes a quick inspection.
FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out his tie, pisses in his pants.
CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows the man in the next stall will get blamed.
PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
DESPERATE: Waits in a long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, and then does both.
FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses on shoes.
LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
DISGRUNTED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
CONCEITED: Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
The White House visit
Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "When I am president, I could have a gold urinal, too! But, of course, I would never do something that self-indulgent!"
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary, during her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill: "I found out who peed in your saxophone."
When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "When I am president, I could have a gold urinal, too! But, of course, I would never do something that self-indulgent!"
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary, during her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill: "I found out who peed in your saxophone."
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