During a trial in a small town, the prosecutor calls the first witness, an old lady. Just to make her at ease, the prosecutor asks:
- Mrs Smith, do you know who I am ?
To which the old lady replies:
- Of course I know who you are, Mr Johnson. I know you since you were a kid, and honestly speaking, you've become a huge dissapointment to your parents. You lie constantly, you think yourself qualified to give an opinion about anything, even if you don't have the slightest idea about the matter under discussion, you are prepotent, abusive, you cheat on your wife, and worst of all, it is said you've embezzled funds from the church. Yeah, I know who you are.
So the prosecutor is kind of rattled after that - and just to save face, it asks, while pointing to the defense lawyer:
- And do you know who he is?
To which the old lady now replies:
- Of course I do. I've also known Mr Williams since he was a child.
Everyone knows he got his law degree by cheating. He also gambles, doesn't pay alimony to his two previous wives, is the worst laywer in the whole county, it hasn't paid taxes in the last 10 years or so, and also cheats on his wife with three different women - one of them being your wife, by the way. Yeah, I know Mr Williams - his parents aren't very proud of him either.
The defense lawyer is about to have a stroke.
The judge calls both the prosecutor and the defense laywer to approach the bench, and whispers:
- If either one of you asks this old witch if she knows me, I'll send you straight to the electric chair
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
A Blonde and the Crocodile Shoe
A blonde walks into a shoe shop in Florida and asks the assistant;
"Have you got any alligator shoes for sale?".
"Yes!" He replied, "They are $2, 500"
"I'm not paying that!" the shocked blonde exclaimed.
"I will go into the Everglades, catch an Alligator and get my own"
"Good luck!" said the amused assistant.
So the blonde walked out of the shop.
At 6 o'clock the assistant had finished work and was on his way home when he saw the blonde waist deep in water, holding a baseball bat.
He shouts over to the blonde;
"How are you doing?"
The blonde points over to a pile of dead alligators layed on the bank.
"I've killed 6 alligators and not one of them is wearing shoes!"
"Have you got any alligator shoes for sale?".
"Yes!" He replied, "They are $2, 500"
"I'm not paying that!" the shocked blonde exclaimed.
"I will go into the Everglades, catch an Alligator and get my own"
"Good luck!" said the amused assistant.
So the blonde walked out of the shop.
At 6 o'clock the assistant had finished work and was on his way home when he saw the blonde waist deep in water, holding a baseball bat.
He shouts over to the blonde;
"How are you doing?"
The blonde points over to a pile of dead alligators layed on the bank.
"I've killed 6 alligators and not one of them is wearing shoes!"
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Who Am I?
One Monday morning a Mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow. Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night!", the Mailman comments.
Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so
drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a
hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
"The Mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times....!"
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow. Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night!", the Mailman comments.
Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so
drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a
hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
"The Mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times....!"
Logic
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."
Apple Announces...
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Ready for Release
Dr. Hansen, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, was examining patients to see if they were cured and ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Lawrenson," the doctor said to one of his patients. "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"
The patient thought for a moment, then replied, "Well, I went to college and studied mechanical engineering. That's still a good field. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital - what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've developed an interest in lately."
Dr. Hansen nodded and said, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."
The patient replied, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."
"So, Mr. Lawrenson," the doctor said to one of his patients. "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"
The patient thought for a moment, then replied, "Well, I went to college and studied mechanical engineering. That's still a good field. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital - what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've developed an interest in lately."
Dr. Hansen nodded and said, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."
The patient replied, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."
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