Nice Laugh

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Never Fart in a Wet Suit

 

The Maid

The maid wanted an increase in salary. The Madam was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want an increase?'

Maria: Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.

Madam: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'The Master said so.'

Madam: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Madam: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'The Master did.' Madam: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Madam (very upset now): 'Did the Master say so as well?'

Maria: 'No Madam, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE.

Shipwrecked

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

Toons

 

Embarassing Medical Moments

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

 

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX .

 

 

 

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

 

Submitted by Dr. Richar d Byrnes, Seattle , WA

 

 

 

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

 

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

 

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

 

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

 

5.. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusio n she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

 

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

 

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

 

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

 

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that r ead, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

 

Submitted by RN no name

 

AND FINALLY!!!................
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener ".

Best short joke of the year

A  3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 

 
'Mom', he  asked, 'Are these my brains?'
 

'Not yet,' she replied.

Senior Moments

 

Greatest Comebacks

John Barrymore

 

After a long day of shooting a film in Hollywood, John Barrymore and some fellow actors stopped in at Lucey's, a popular watering hole near Paramount Studios. After one-too-many drinks, Barrymore excused himself to go to the bathroom. In his slightly inebriated condition, however, he inadvertently chose the ladies' room. As he was relieving himself, a woman entered and was shocked to see a man urinating into one of the toilets. "How dare you!" she exclaimed, "This is for ladies!" The actor turned toward the woman, organ in hand, and resonantly said in full actor's voice:

 

  "And so, madam, is this."

 

Truman Capote

 

Truman Capote was fond of regaling people with an anecdote about one of his finer moments. At the height of his popularity, he was drinking one evening with friends in a crowded Key West bar. Nearby sat a couple, both inebriated. The woman recognized Capote, walked over to his table, and gushingly asked him to autograph a paper napkin. The woman's husband, angry at his wife's display of interest in another man, staggered over to Capote's table and assumed an intimidating position directly in front of the diminutive writer. He then proceeded to unzip his trousers and, in Capote's own words, "hauled out his equipment." As he did this, he bellowed in a drunken slur, "Since you're autographing things, why don't you autograph this?" It was a tense moment, and a hush fell over the room. The silence was a blessing, for it allowed all those within earshot to hear Capote's soft, high-pitched voice deliver the perfect emasculating reply:

 

  "I don't know if I can autograph it, but perhaps I can initial it."

 

 

Winston Churchill

 

Nancy Astor was an American socialite who married into an English branch of the wealthy Astor family (she holds the distinction of being the first woman to be seated in Parliament). At a 1912 dinner party in Blenheim Palace—the Churchill family estate—Lady Astor became annoyed at an inebriated Winston Churchill, who was pontificating on some topic. Unable to take any more, she finally blurted out, "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee." Without missing a beat, Churchill replied:

 

  "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
 

 

Marc Connelly

 

When it comes to repartee, nobody did it better than the members of that legendary collection of wits known as The Algonquin Round Table. For many decades, a delightful story has been told about one member of the group, playwright Marc Connelly. One evening, Connelly was dining with friends when another member of the group snuck up from behind, placed his hands on top of Connelly's bald head, and said to the amusement of the other guests, "Marc, your head feels as smooth as my wife's ass." Without missing a beat, Connelly raised his hands to his head, began rubbing his own scalp, and with a wry smile, said:

 

  "So it does, so it does."

 
Edna Ferber

 

Edna Ferber worked for a number of years as a news reporter in the Midwest before moving to New York City in 1912. After her novel "So Big" won the Pulitzer Prize in 1926, she quickly followed up with the hit play "Show Boat" (so successful and financially remunerative, she called it her "oil well"). Ferber was fond of wearing tailored suits well before they became fashionable. One day, she arrived at the Algonquin Hotel wearing a suit that was very similar to one that the English actor Noël Coward was wearing. Ferber and Coward were friends (she once described him as her favorite theater companion) and Coward saw an opportunity to engage in a bit of playful badinage with one of his favorite people. Carefully looking her over, he observed, "Edna, you look almost like a man." Ferber looked Coward over in a similar manner and came back with a classic riposte:

 

  "So do you."

Great Deadlock situation...!!!

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad,

so make arrangement.

 

Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and

I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.

 

Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going

abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.

 

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving

private tution: I have work for a week, so you need

not come for class.

 

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a

week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets

spend the week together.

 

Grandpa(the 1st boss ;) ) make call to his secretary: This week I am

spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend

that meeting.

 

Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss

has some work, we cancelled our trip.

 

Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend

this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.

 

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving

private tution: This week we will have class as usual.

 

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my

teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I

can't give you company.

 

Grandpa(boss) make call to his secretary: Don't worry this

week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement.

Nurses

I had surgery on my jaw last year and I had my mouth wired shut. I knew
that while I was in the hospital, I wouldn't be able to talk so I
prepared a list of questions for the nurses :

When do I get my sponge bath?

What happened to the nice nurse?

What name did I use when I was admitted?

Can I take the blue pill next time?

Did the x-rays show anything unusual?

What if the swelling doesn't go down after 4 hours?

Do you know any stress-relief procedures?

Do you have any welding rods?

Will I be able to play the piano when I leave here?

Will you take a two-party check?

Did you get the license plate of the bus that hit me?

Is this going to hurt?

Can you make them stop ringing those bells?

Did they deliver my pizza yet?

Was it a boy or a girl?

Has the surgery affected my chances on Star Search?

Can I get a room that doesn't spin so much?

Can I get a room with a bigger tv?

Did they remove all of my tattoos?

When does the buffet open?

Do you come here often?

What year is it?

Are you a real nurse or a naughty nurse?

Do you want to see my tattoos?

Why am I here?

Have I been in the hospital before?

Is there another door out of here?

The food is : 1) very good 2) ok 3) worse than the school cafeteria.

I feel very : 1) good 2) ok 3) crappy.

Did they find the money?

Will I still be able to make my 8:00am tee time?

What is the in-flight movie?

Do I have to take my clothes off?

Can I take my clothes off?

I can do it.

I can't do it.

I didn't do it.

Are we in Kansas yet?

When does the buffet open?

Do you allow pets in here?

Will you kiss where it hurts?

Is this tap water?

Where exactly does that tube go?

Does this come in a different color?

What are my options?

Yes.

No.

Do I have to?

Do I get one of those fluffy robes?

Should I start now?

Can I stop now?

Can you heal a broken heart?

Has anyone recognized me yet?

That's against my religion.

1 to 3 4 to 6 7 to 9 10!

Will this put me in a different tax bracket?

May I speak with the Captain?

Do you have a boyfriend?

Where exactly are you going to put that tube?

Does this come in different flavors?

Did they get the bullet out?

Can I do that again?

Do they ever bring metal-detectors in here?

Could I get a room that is closer to the pool?

Would you like to hear me sing?

How many unicorns do you see?

Has my Probation Officer called?

Could you ask the valet to bring my car around?

Are you married?

Happily?

Is the bathroom tissue two-ply?

Have the photographers from The Enquirer arrived yet?

Does a full house beat a straight flush?

When does the cast come off?

Why I no longer ride my bike!

Frozen Moments

 

The Robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.  His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

 

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.  It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.  

 

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. 'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home', they asked?

 

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy. The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' 'What did you watch?' asked Marsha. 'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

 

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

 

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

 

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!' The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.

Diet Tuna

José Jalapeño on a Stick

Fire the Graphic Designer

 

Get Outta The Road