Intelligence has no age

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students  the teacher asked, "Boy. what is your problem?"

 

Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
 

 

Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.

 

The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

 

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

 

Boy.: "9".

 

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

 

Boy.: "36".

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade."

 

Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?"

 

The principal and Boy both agreed.

 

Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two  of?

 

Boy., after a moment "Legs."

 

Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

 

Boy.: "Pockets."

 

Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,  oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

 

Boy.: Coconut

 

Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.

 

Boy.: Bubblegum

 

Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

 

Boy.: Shake hands

 

Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

 

Boy.: Yep.

 

Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

 

Boy.: Tent

 

Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

 

Boy.: Wedding Ring

 

Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

 

Boy.: Nose

 

Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

 

Boy.: Arrow

 

Ms Neelam: What word sta rts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?

 

Boy.: Firetruck

 

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get  it u have to use ur hand.

 

Boy.: Fork

 

Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

 

Boy.: SURNAME

 

Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?

 

Boy.: HEART.

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

 

"Send this Boy to IBM - I got the last ten questions wrong myself!!"

You may want to use this one day!!

 

Little Johnny Rocks Again‏

One day Lil Johnny says to his father: "I want to get married."

Father: Oh, so do you have someone special in your mind?

Johnny: Yes , Grandma

Father: What? There is a problem now, you want to marry my Mother?

Johnny: Why not? You married my mother

__________________________________


L.Johnny: Can I go to the toilet?

Teacher: Johnny, MAY I go to the toilet?

L.Johnny: But I asked first!

__________________________________


Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."

The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"

Little Johnny said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

__________________________________________________


"Johnny, did your Mother help you with your homework last night?" the teacher asked.

"No, she did it all," Little Johnny replied.

__________________________________________________


"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"

Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny "At least you could try, right?"

________________________________________


Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

Little Johnny: One dollar.

Teacher(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.

Little Johnny (sadly): You don't know my father

__________________________


Teacher: "Hello boys, Remember!!! Nothing is impossible."

Little Johnny: "OK sir, could you please squeeze out all the toothpaste and put back it into the tube again."

___________________________


Little Johnny: Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he made me give up my seat to a lady.

Mum: Well, you have done the right thing.

Little Johnny: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap

Scoreboard

A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling.

Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here."

The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant.

"We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his butt. He won't even wake up."

So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his butt. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed.

After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.

Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't mind that you're shagging my wife, but do you really have to use my butthole as your scoreboard?"

That is what you call courage...

 

King Size

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Twin Use

Play Everywhere

IKEA Nanny Banned Commercial

Banned Ikea Commercial - Balls

The Birthday Surprise

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob.  'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Real Court Happenings (Unclassified)

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

 

______________________________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

 

_____________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?

 

_____________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

 

______________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

 

WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

 

______________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

 

____________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

 

________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?

 

______________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

 

______________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

 

______________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

 

______________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

 

_____________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

 

______________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?

 

______________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.

 

______________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!

 

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

 

______________________________________

 

--- And the best for last: ---

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

PhotoBombing - Ruining Other's Photos

Slim Fast

One evening I was  thinking I was being funny, And I  said to my wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.  Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"

 

My wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

 
The next morning I took a pair of underwear out of my drawer.  "What the Heck is this??" I said to myself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when I shook them out.

 

"Connie I hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied, "It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'"

Never Piss off your Plastic Surgeon

 

Pregnant Secretary

Tom is in deep thoughts, sitting calm, quite,
 
Jerry: what is wrong with you, Tom?
 
Tom: please dont ask
 
Jerry: I am your child hood friend say to me.
 
Tom: my seven year old son made my secretary pregnant...
 
Jerry: that's not possible
 
Tom: No he did
 
Jerry: how's that possible
 

 

Tom: He punctured my condoms !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

 

The Wal-Mart Greeter, Paul Spangler, said pleasantly "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

 

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "No they ain't twins. The  oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins?  Are  you blind, or just stupid?"

 

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied Paul. "I just couldn't  imagine someone making love to you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

 

Lost in Translation