Dr. Hansen, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, was examining patients to see if they were cured and ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Lawrenson," the doctor said to one of his patients. "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"
The patient thought for a moment, then replied, "Well, I went to college and studied mechanical engineering. That's still a good field. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital - what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've developed an interest in lately."
Dr. Hansen nodded and said, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."
The patient replied, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Friday, July 06, 2007
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Nuclear Power
A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know shit?"
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know shit?"
Adam and Eve
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are
Russian."
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are
Russian."
Monday, May 28, 2007
Political Correctness
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
Horrible Rumor
The Alabama preacher said to his Congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends you were a wizard under the sheets."
The congregation roared, and the preacher fainted.
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends you were a wizard under the sheets."
The congregation roared, and the preacher fainted.
Church Bulletin Bloopers
1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sabbath.
4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.
2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sabbath.
4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.
Temptations
A rabbi and a priest had known each other for years and had become good friends. One day they were talking and the priest asked the rabbi if he had ever given into temptation and eaten ham.
"Yes, in my younger days I did once" he said. "How about you, have you ever given into temptation and had sex?".
"Yes", the priest responded, when I was younger I had a brief affair".
"It's better than ham, isn't it?" said the rabbi.
"Yes, in my younger days I did once" he said. "How about you, have you ever given into temptation and had sex?".
"Yes", the priest responded, when I was younger I had a brief affair".
"It's better than ham, isn't it?" said the rabbi.
Recall Notice
The Maker of all Human Beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units, code-named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units.
This defect has been technically termed "Subsequential Internal Non-morality," or more commonly known by the acronym: "SIN"
Some symptoms include the following:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion
The Manufacturer is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect.
The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs.
There is no additional fee required.
The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.
Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE Procedure.
Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control
Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers' Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will eventually result in the human unit being permanently impounded and destroyed.
- For free emergency service, call on Jesus.
DANGER: The human being units that do not respond to this recall action will be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.
Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice. You may contact The Manufacturer at any time via "knee-mail."
Thank you for your attention!
GOD
This defect has been technically termed "Subsequential Internal Non-morality," or more commonly known by the acronym: "SIN"
Some symptoms include the following:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion
The Manufacturer is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect.
The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs.
There is no additional fee required.
The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.
Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE Procedure.
Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control
Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers' Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will eventually result in the human unit being permanently impounded and destroyed.
- For free emergency service, call on Jesus.
DANGER: The human being units that do not respond to this recall action will be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.
Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice. You may contact The Manufacturer at any time via "knee-mail."
Thank you for your attention!
GOD
The Humorous Pastor
A country pastor who found it difficult to incorporate humor into his sermons attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for the many aspects of their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well-known and dynamic religious personalities. One boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He quickly followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he delivered the rest of his talk, which went over very well.
The next week, the country pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that same joke in his sermon. As he approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday morning, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a little foggy to him.
Nevertheless, he approached the microphone and said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the sanctuary. After standing there for almost ten seconds in the stunned silence, desperately trying to recall the second half of the joke, the frantic pastor blurted out, "....And I can't remember who she was!"
Among the speakers were many well-known and dynamic religious personalities. One boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He quickly followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he delivered the rest of his talk, which went over very well.
The next week, the country pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that same joke in his sermon. As he approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday morning, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a little foggy to him.
Nevertheless, he approached the microphone and said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the sanctuary. After standing there for almost ten seconds in the stunned silence, desperately trying to recall the second half of the joke, the frantic pastor blurted out, "....And I can't remember who she was!"
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Friday, April 27, 2007
Italian Girl
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said, "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"
Moral of the story: Don't tempt a woman, they are far too intelligent!!
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said, "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"
Moral of the story: Don't tempt a woman, they are far too intelligent!!
Saturday, March 31, 2007
The Towel
No matter what the husband does in bed, his wife never achieves orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay," he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed." Have ! the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. They go home and hire a strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him triumphantly:
"You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel."
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay," he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed." Have ! the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. They go home and hire a strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him triumphantly:
"You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel."
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Oneliners
Q: What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, bang-bang, bang-bang, clip-clop, clip-clop?
A: An Amish drive by shooting.
Q. How do you scare the s*** out of a man?
A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Q: What do you call a guinea pig with two rolls of duck tape on its back?
A: A slut.
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice Penis."
A: An Amish drive by shooting.
Q. How do you scare the s*** out of a man?
A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Q: What do you call a guinea pig with two rolls of duck tape on its back?
A: A slut.
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice Penis."
Little Johnny
Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."
This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well,God is both black and white."
This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."
This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well,God is both black and white."
This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
A Blonde on Horseback
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when, to her great fortune.....Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when, to her great fortune.....Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
The Young Couple
A young couple was parked in the local lovers lane, steamed up windows, antenna shaking, and suddenly....... a flashlight shines into the window, and a cop tells the young man, "Get out of the car....."
The young man complies and the cop says to him "I'll let you go on one condition.... that I am next.."
The young man is so terrified that his knees are shaking. The cop notices this and says to him "What are you so shaken up about?"
The young man replies, "I never made love to a cop before"
The young man complies and the cop says to him "I'll let you go on one condition.... that I am next.."
The young man is so terrified that his knees are shaking. The cop notices this and says to him "What are you so shaken up about?"
The young man replies, "I never made love to a cop before"
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