Girl's Night Out....

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake
up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming
up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible
conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9
cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
"MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem mad in the least. Whew, I got away with
that one!

Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'Oh! crap' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

You want me to do what?

 

The Golfer And The Stranger

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

The Elderly Couple

An elderly couple were attending a church service.

About half way through the sermon, the wife leans over and whispers to her husband,
"I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

The Cowboy

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Logical Reasoning

Two friends signed up for college. When they looked at their schedules, the first friend noticed he had Logical Reasoning as a class. Not knowing what it was, he went to the class and asked the teacher what logical reasoning was.

The teacher than proceeded to explain: “Do you have a weed eater?”

“Yes,” replied the guy.

“You have a weed eater, which means you have a lawn, which means you have a house, which means you have kids, which means you have a wife, which means you’re straight.”

When he got out of class, he met with his friend who asked him what logical reasoning was about.

“Well,” said the guy. “Do you have a weed eater?”

“No,” replied the friend.

“”Then you’re gay!”

Office Memo

To: All Employees

Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Lunch Breaks:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Restroom Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.

Surgery:
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

The Trial

During a trial in a small town, the prosecutor calls the first witness, an old lady. Just to make her at ease, the prosecutor asks:

- Mrs Smith, do you know who I am ?

To which the old lady replies:

- Of course I know who you are, Mr Johnson. I know you since you were a kid, and honestly speaking, you've become a huge dissapointment to your parents. You lie constantly, you think yourself qualified to give an opinion about anything, even if you don't have the slightest idea about the matter under discussion, you are prepotent, abusive, you cheat on your wife, and worst of all, it is said you've embezzled funds from the church. Yeah, I know who you are.

So the prosecutor is kind of rattled after that - and just to save face, it asks, while pointing to the defense lawyer:

- And do you know who he is?

To which the old lady now replies:

- Of course I do. I've also known Mr Williams since he was a child.
Everyone knows he got his law degree by cheating. He also gambles, doesn't pay alimony to his two previous wives, is the worst laywer in the whole county, it hasn't paid taxes in the last 10 years or so, and also cheats on his wife with three different women - one of them being your wife, by the way. Yeah, I know Mr Williams - his parents aren't very proud of him either.

The defense lawyer is about to have a stroke.

The judge calls both the prosecutor and the defense laywer to approach the bench, and whispers:

- If either one of you asks this old witch if she knows me, I'll send you straight to the electric chair

Gas Pump Prank!

Hilarious Hummer Ad

A Blonde and the Crocodile Shoe

A blonde walks into a shoe shop in Florida and asks the assistant;

"Have you got any alligator shoes for sale?".

"Yes!" He replied, "They are $2, 500"

"I'm not paying that!" the shocked blonde exclaimed.

"I will go into the Everglades, catch an Alligator and get my own"

"Good luck!" said the amused assistant.

So the blonde walked out of the shop.

At 6 o'clock the assistant had finished work and was on his way home when he saw the blonde waist deep in water, holding a baseball bat.

He shouts over to the blonde;

"How are you doing?"

The blonde points over to a pile of dead alligators layed on the bank.

"I've killed 6 alligators and not one of them is wearing shoes!"

Miss Teen USA 2007 - South Carolina answers a question

Who Am I?

One Monday morning a Mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow. Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night!", the Mailman comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so
drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a
hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

"The Mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times....!"

Logic

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

Apple Announces...

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Ready for Release

Dr. Hansen, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, was examining patients to see if they were cured and ready to re-enter society.

"So, Mr. Lawrenson," the doctor said to one of his patients. "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"

The patient thought for a moment, then replied, "Well, I went to college and studied mechanical engineering. That's still a good field. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital - what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've developed an interest in lately."

Dr. Hansen nodded and said, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."

The patient replied, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."

Opening Ceremony

Nuclear Power

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know shit?"

Adam and Eve

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are
Russian."

Political Correctness

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

Horrible Rumor

The Alabama preacher said to his Congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends you were a wizard under the sheets."

The congregation roared, and the preacher fainted.

Church Bulletin Bloopers

1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sabbath.

4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.

Temptations

A rabbi and a priest had known each other for years and had become good friends. One day they were talking and the priest asked the rabbi if he had ever given into temptation and eaten ham.

"Yes, in my younger days I did once" he said. "How about you, have you ever given into temptation and had sex?".

"Yes", the priest responded, when I was younger I had a brief affair".

"It's better than ham, isn't it?" said the rabbi.

Recall Notice

The Maker of all Human Beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units, code-named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units.

This defect has been technically termed "Subsequential Internal Non-morality," or more commonly known by the acronym: "SIN"

Some symptoms include the following:

1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion

The Manufacturer is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect.

The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs.

There is no additional fee required.

The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.

Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE Procedure.

Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:

1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control

Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers' Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will eventually result in the human unit being permanently impounded and destroyed.

- For free emergency service, call on Jesus.

DANGER: The human being units that do not respond to this recall action will be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.

Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice. You may contact The Manufacturer at any time via "knee-mail."

Thank you for your attention!
GOD

The Humorous Pastor

A country pastor who found it difficult to incorporate humor into his sermons attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for the many aspects of their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well-known and dynamic religious personalities. One boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He quickly followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he delivered the rest of his talk, which went over very well.

The next week, the country pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that same joke in his sermon. As he approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday morning, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a little foggy to him.

Nevertheless, he approached the microphone and said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the sanctuary. After standing there for almost ten seconds in the stunned silence, desperately trying to recall the second half of the joke, the frantic pastor blurted out, "....And I can't remember who she was!"

To Get a Job

Italian Girl

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!"

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.

"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"

"Oh, that" she said, "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"

Moral of the story: Don't tempt a woman, they are far too intelligent!!

The Towel

No matter what the husband does in bed, his wife never achieves orgasm.

Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed." Have ! the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. They go home and hire a strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him triumphantly:

"You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel."

Oneliners

Q: What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, bang-bang, bang-bang, clip-clop, clip-clop?
A: An Amish drive by shooting.

Q. How do you scare the s*** out of a man?
A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Q: What do you call a guinea pig with two rolls of duck tape on its back?
A: A slut.

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice Penis."

Little Johnny

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."

This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well,God is both black and white."

This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

Priceless

Important To Have Friends

A Blonde on Horseback

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when, to her great fortune.....Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

Aussie Ingenuity

The Young Couple

A young couple was parked in the local lovers lane, steamed up windows, antenna shaking, and suddenly....... a flashlight shines into the window, and a cop tells the young man, "Get out of the car....."

The young man complies and the cop says to him "I'll let you go on one condition.... that I am next.."

The young man is so terrified that his knees are shaking. The cop notices this and says to him "What are you so shaken up about?"

The young man replies, "I never made love to a cop before"

Four Friends

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our son...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends shifted uncomfortably. "Hmmmm, what a shame," one replied.

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

Karate Dog

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a Doberman.

The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.

Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"

The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."

"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.

The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.

The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.

"I'll take him," he says.

When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."

"Karate," she yells. "Karate my Butt!!"

You be the Judge

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

Things Men wish Women Knew

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

Don't cut your hair. Ever.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not sport.

Anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Check your oil.

Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Holy Water

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St.Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever Had any contact with a male organ?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondle and stroked one."

St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reva, What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

Little Something

The Nun and the Cabbie

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Romantic 1st lines... and deadly 2nd ones

A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received...


I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell

10 Most Stupid Questions

Top 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here...

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??

Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:-Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating ,insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?

Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.

Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ...........it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

What every man wants for Christmas

The Winking Problem

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought, however, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry, we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me."

The applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms; red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms, finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and immediately stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Internal Affairs

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

**********

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

**********

Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.

**********
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.

**********

Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

**********

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress

**********

Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever !!!"

**********
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.

**********

Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?
B'coz people started licking the wrong side.

**********

Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend also my son, that's confidential!

**********

Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints...

**********

Friend to sardar: Why are u going for a birth control surgery for the ninth time?
Sardar: What to do yaar, my wife still keep getting pregnant._

Are these my brains?

A three year old was examining his testicles while he was taking a bath.

"Mom," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mother replies: "Not yet."

Flights of the Future

Mind Reading

Butch the Rooster

John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, hens called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to make sure the eggs were fertile.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too, but on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement Butch had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result ... The judges not only awarded Butch the "No-Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly, Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Goodness Gracious Me

Men and Women

When a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

Two Pilots

A C-130 was flying on a mission when a? cocky F-16 pilot flew up next to him.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.?

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.

The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes, and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think of that?"

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the heck did you do?"

The C-130 pilot chuckled, "I stood up, stretched my legs, went to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a sweet roll."

Greeks Vs Italians

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon".

The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum"

The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians".

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire", and on and on, and then :

The Greek says, "We invented sex".

The Italian says, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women".

101 Lies Men Tell Women

1. I'll call you.
2. I love you.
3. You're the only one.
4. I've never felt this way about anyone else.
5. I've got to work late at the office tonight.
6. That's the best sex I've ever had.
7. You've got the most beautiful eyes
8. No, I'm not married
9. Sorry. I must have left my wallet and credit cards at home.
10. You just have to believe me when I tell you nothing's wrong.
11. I'm ready to make a commitment.
12. Except for a beer or two, I never drink.
13. My wife and I haven't had sex in years.
14. We'll get married as soon as I ...
15. I'll be home in twenty minutes.
16. It's not that I don't care - I just have to spend more time
with my kids.
17. I've only slept with maybe ten women in my entire life.
18. I've been celibate since we broke up.
19. I could never lie to you.
20. I can still last all night
21. I always use a condom
22. I can help you get a great job in my company (field)

23. I haven't seen her since she and I broke up

24. I tested HIV negative

25. I haven't seen her since she and I broke up

26. The only sexual fantasies I have are about you

27. No, I don't think your thighs (stomach, breasts, hips, etc.) are too big
28. I'm too tired
29. How could you think I'd be interested in her? She's your best friend
30. When it comes to oral sex, I'm the best

31. I've never had any trouble keeping an erection before

32. It's you and me, babe - we'll make love all over Europe

33. I'd never do anything to hurt you.

34. I want to grow old with you
35. Believe me, my wife and I live very separate lives

36. Our having sex won't change a thing between us

37. Don't worry, I've had a vasectomy

38. I'm going to leave my wife

39. You're nothing at all like my mother

40. Your being a different religion doesn't matter to me

41. It doesn't bother me that you make more money than I do

42. Even without sex, we'd still be friends

43. I think older women are the most exciting

44. I'm considered one of the top people (in my field, in the company)
45. What attracts me to you is your mind

46. We'll split all the child care and household chores fifty-fifty
47. Of course I don't mind that you didn't come

48. I've never had an affair before

49. You're the only one who understands me

50. I've never been in therapy

51. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me

52. No, I'm not seeing anyone else

53. I haven't thought about her (old girlfriend) in years

54. How many times do I have to tell you I'm not having an affair?
55. Your career is as important as mine

56. I promise you that I'll change

57. I want us to remain close friends always

58. My wife and I have an understanding

59. You're wonderful; you deserve someone better than me

60. I don't masturbate

61. Let's be friends first

62. When you walked through that door, I knew it was the real thing
63. I'd like you even if you were a man

64. It's okay to be good looking, but looks just don't mean that much to me
65. The difference between us will bring us even closer

66. I spend everything I earn on you and the kids

67. No, I never said that

68. You make me feel like a kid again

69. I'm going out with the boys (to the gym, to the office)

70. I'll move wherever you want

71. Of course I'm not bored with you

72. As soon as I finish this project (get a promotion, a raise, make partner), we'll......
73. You've got more sex appeal in your little toe than my wife's got in her whole body
74. It wouldn't be you and me anymore if I used one of those

75. Let's pool our assets - whatever is mine is yours

76. I still find you just as attractive as the day I met you

77. Divorce is the farthest thing from my mind

78. Sure, I'll watch the kids

79. It's not just the sex I want, it's being close to you.

80. We'll be spending a lot of time together when I retire

81. You're the only reason I've worked so hard

82. If I didn't have all this work, you know I'd go with you and the kids to your mom's
83. No one's ever turned me on like you do

84. My boss says there's nothing to worry about

85. I'll never tell

86. Relax, she's just a friend

87. This is just a temporary separation until we get things worked out
88. Your hair (dress, outfit) looks fantastic

89. It was just sex - it didn't mean a thing

90. Of course I'm listening to what you're saying
91. Come on in and we'll just cuddle for a few minutes
92. No, I don't think you're fat
93. You're the woman I should have married
94. I'm going to be focusing on my work for a while now.
95. I guarantee you, I'm not the father
96. Your having kids has nothing to do with my not wanting to get married
97. I'm not ashamed of the way you talk (look, act, etc.)
98. It's nothing personal; I just don't like sharing my living space with someone
99. This time I'm really serious
100. Honestly, honey, it's just for the guys - none of the wives go to the conference
101. I'll always take care of you.

Priests on Vacation

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. Determined to make this a real vacation escape by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy, they headed for a store as soon as the plane landed and bought some outrageous shorts, shirts and sandals.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their tourist garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a string bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually; then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? The next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits--these were so loud you could hear them before you saw them. Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, this time topless with just a thong bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Once again, she nodded at each of them, saying, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and then started to walk away. One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer . Standing up, he said, "Just a minute young lady."

"Yes, Father?", she answered.

"We are priests and proud of it," he continued, "but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

"Father, it's ME, Sister Margaret!" she explained.

Doctor's Visit

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination" said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

The New Priest

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand'. How did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"

Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12.Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

15. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

16. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

17. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

Jesus Christ

Three wise men following yonder star through the desert for three days and nights. Finally they came to a manger. The star was shining on a crib with a baby inside.

As they were walking to the crib one of the wise men stepped on a rake and the handle flew up and hit him in the nose, "JESUS CHRIST", he shouted.

"Hey", said another wise man, "good name for the kid."

Einstein's Theory

Albert Einstein's was born March 14, 1879.

Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well-endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

It was called Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

The Young Girl's Doubt

Visiting minister during the offertory prayer:

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without You we are but dust......"

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point.

Homesick

A traveling salesman is in a small town in the Midwest, when his trip is
suddenly prolonged for an extra month. He was already getting bored there and
over the course of the extra month he becomes very homesick. Finally, he decides to give in to temptation and visit the local brothel.

He walks up to the madam and hands her a hundred dollars and says, "Give me the worst blowjob in town."

The madam says, "For this kind of money, you can have the best blowjob."

"No, no," says the man, "You don't understand, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

Ways to Turn Men Down

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing

The Sneaky Patient

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. Are my testicles black?

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

Twenty Push-ups

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.

After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.

He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."

What-Ifs

One day an elderly married golfing couple were discussing the "what-ifs" and the wife asked her husband:

Q: "What if I died before you? Would you marry again?"
A: "Maybe"
Q: "Would you take her out to dinner and wine and dine her?"
A: "Probably - Yes I would"
Q: "Would you sleep with her in the same bed we slept in?"
A: "Maybe"
Q: "Would you make love to her?"
A: "Probably"
Q: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
A: "No - She's left-handed"

Have a Problem with Your Neighbor?

Promise Not to Laugh

A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"OK then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.

Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again."

"OK," the man says.

"Now," the doctor says, getting down to business. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Well," the guy says, "it's swollen...."

Obsessions

Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children on his TV show. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

All denied being obsessed with anything. "You are -- all of you!" he insisted.

"You are obsessed with eating," he said to the first mother. "You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is with money: Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and says, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."

Diwali - US Style

A young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to explain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother, this is how he went about it...

"So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something... Since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so.. he decided to get his wife and his bro along... you know...so that they could all chill out together.

But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit... really man... they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows... so it was fine.

But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed..... all the gods were with him... So anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys.. Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok... ..

So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood. Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest.. and anyways...it gets kinda boring,you know... no TV or malls or shit like that.

So,they decided to hitch a ride back home... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home... they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit...and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also... so it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks...

Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks... and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding.., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks... you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started."

Miserable Relationships

I married a widow who had a grown-up daughter. My father, who visited us quite often, fell in love with my step daughter and married her. Hence, my father became my son-in-law, and my step-daughter became my mother. Some months later, my wife gave birth to a son, who became the brother in law of my father as well as my uncle.

The wife of my father, that is my step daughter, also had a son. Thereby, I got a brother and at the same time a grandson. My wife is my grandmother, since she is my mother's mother. Hence, I am my wife's husband and at the same time her step-grandson; in other words, I am my own grandfather.

Who's Guilty?

Wife was dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts:

"Up!! Quick! My husband is back."

Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts his butt, and then realizes:

"Damn, I'm the husband!"

The God and Others

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon, bragging to one another about their successful sons.

The first woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps in, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third woman crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."

Since the fourth woman just sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle, "Well...?" sort of look.

"My son is 6'2" has broad square shoulders is terribly handsome and dresses exceptionally well. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say 'Oh my God...'."

51 Worst Pickup Lines

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.
3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going....
9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.
11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to "tinker" around with.
13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb.
14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
17. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.
19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
21. If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.
22. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"
23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine.
24. I look good on you.
25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
26. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?
27. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?
28. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
29. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
30. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.
31. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
32. Do you want to dance, No? Well I guess a fuck is out of the question.
33. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
34. I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?
35. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
36. My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, mead till hard, and serve hot.
37. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.
38. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
39. Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me.
40. Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.
41. The word for the night is legs, legs go back to my room and spread the word.
42. Hey baby, what's your name? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?
43. Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.
44. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
45. Was you dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.
46. Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go Choo choo.
47. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.
48. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
49. Guy: "haven't I seen you someplace before?", Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore"
50. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of your mouth.
51. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

Indian Version

The Excuse

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

Classic TV Blooper

What is it called?

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling"

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you right now."

The Genie

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."

"Could I see him?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

The Sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A) Almost Boobs...

(B) Barely there.

(C) Can't Complain!

(D) Dang!

(DD) Double dang!

(E) Enormous!

(F) Fake.

(G) Get a Reduction.

(H) Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

The Cruise

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for him and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!" and he returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry, but if it makes you sick why do you keep doing it?"

The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,   smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?   I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

Magic Beer

A lady walks into a bar in a high-rise hotel and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself.  She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.  "Magic Beer," he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you."   He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.  The lady can't believe it!   "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you’re a real asshole when you're drunk."

Jennifer Aniston On David Letterman - II

Jennifer Aniston On David Letterman - I

Good Night! How About A...

That Piece of Meat

An Elder was asked to preach in church for a Sunday Service. His sermon was as follows:

Dear Brothers and Sisters! Today I want to talk about a piece of meat.

That piece of meat that separates brothers and sisters!

That piece of meat that causes Husbands and Wife's to divorce!

That piece of meat that causes hatred between brothers and sisters!

That piece of meat that causes women to fight with women, brothers to fight with brothers!

It is that piece of meat that is more outside than inside and sometimes more inside than outside!

Beloved brothers and sisters, it is that piece that can give so much pain but it also brings a lot of pleasure!

Beloved Brother and Sisters, that's the piece of meat I want to talk to you about:
The Tongue, dear brothers and sisters.....the Tongue!

The Guys' Rules

Please note: these are all numbered "1"ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will BE scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

The New Pastor's Visit

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.  The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10".

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

When in Rome...

Use Protection

Hanging Around

Night Courses

During work, John and William were chatting:

John: William, I've been taking night courses for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.

William: oh!

John: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

William: No

John: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

John: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?

William: No

John: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:

John: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?

William: No

John: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, William got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is
George Hunt?

John: No

William: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this!!

Hot Pants

How Romantic...

While waiting to register at a hotel, I overheard the couple ahead of me asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed.

The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.

Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years."

"Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked.

Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."

Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want to be able to punch him."

Brain of a Man

Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 45 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is.

The wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 45 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday; but on weekends, I fish."