Some funny questions asked at times, mostly by women in a hardware store....
Old lady comes in, tells young female cashier up front she needs a screw, so female cashier walks her to back of store. Then female cashier standing behind lady says "Bill, this lady needs a screw. Can you help her?"
***
Lady says she needs a plug.
I say "male or female?"
She says "What's the difference?"
Me (blushing): "Well I'll just show you." (I show her male and female plug.)
Lady (now blushing too): "Oh I get it!"
***
That's funny. I work as a maintenance mechanic in an office building and I had a screwdriver and pliers on my belt. One of the secretary's
I guess wanted to borrow my screwdriver for a second so she says "Can I borrow your tool?"
I said "Which one?"
She says “The long one".
I said “Well, they're both long., so I'll give you both".
We both started laughing, as well as the other women in the office.
***
I was working at a factory up north and needed a small cardboard box to put some small parts in. as i went through an office area with my hands full of parts, a secretary asked what I needed. I said I wished I had a small box. She said "Me too!". I turned red and left the area. I was about 16 at the time; I would guess she was about 50.
***
There was a game my kids found on the bob the builder web site. I think it’s long gone. put the game involved putting together pieces of pipe before the water could run out the end of the pipe.
The lable for this game BOB LAYS PIPE AT WENDY'S.
***
As soon as I walked in the door of my local hardware store, the heavy female sales clerk says in a loud voice, "Can I help you find something?”
I said in an equally loud voice, "I want to see your nipples". She grinned and headed to the back with me.
***
An embarrassed girl quietly asked the checkout lady if they had more tampax in the warehouse, because the shelf was empty.
Much to the girl's horror, the checkout lady switched on a microphone and yelled to the warehouse clerk over the store's PA system, "Hey Charley, do you have a case of Tampax back there for this girl?"
The girl is now beet red, and wishing she was anywhere but in that store.
Meanwhile back in the warehouse, Charley was about 80 years old and couldn't hear very well. He thought she had asked for a case of "Tacks". He switched on his microphone and yelled back, "Do you mean the kind you push in with your thumb, or the kind you drive in with a hammer?"
***
A neighbor's daughter, just out of high school, got a job at a local factory.
When she got home that night when asked what the job consisted of she announced, "They pay me for screwing all day"
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Monday, September 12, 2005
The Cowboy and the IRS Genie
A modern-day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie. "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS lawyer genie!"
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
POOF! The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
POOF! The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
POOF! He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie. "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS lawyer genie!"
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
POOF! The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
POOF! The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
POOF! He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
Who Wants to be a Millionaire -- Marriage Edition
A husband and wife are watching T.V. in bed -- "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" is on.
The husband turns to the wife and says, "Do you want to have sex?"
"Nope." the wife says, not even looking up.
The husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"
"That's my final answer," she agrees.
He says, "Then I'd like to phone a friend...."
The husband turns to the wife and says, "Do you want to have sex?"
"Nope." the wife says, not even looking up.
The husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"
"That's my final answer," she agrees.
He says, "Then I'd like to phone a friend...."
Suggested Rejections for Common Pick-Up Lines
Man: Haven't we met before?
Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.
Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: Female impersonator.
Man: So, wanna go back to my place?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: I'd really like to get into your pants.
Woman: No thanks. There's already one ass in there.
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet.
Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!
Woman: Yeah! To pick up some chicks!
Man: "Hi, I'm a millionaire!"
Woman: "Hi, I work for the IRS."
Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.
Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: Female impersonator.
Man: So, wanna go back to my place?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: I'd really like to get into your pants.
Woman: No thanks. There's already one ass in there.
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet.
Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!
Woman: Yeah! To pick up some chicks!
Man: "Hi, I'm a millionaire!"
Woman: "Hi, I work for the IRS."
Do you know
Why did God create man?
Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
Do you believe in ghosts?
A professor at a southern university was giving a lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
This time, 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further: Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, only Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Ghost? Oh.. from way back thar I thought you said Goats."
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
This time, 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further: Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, only Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Ghost? Oh.. from way back thar I thought you said Goats."
Searching for the wife
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence: I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter. I'd rather find yours."
The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence: I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter. I'd rather find yours."
Waiting for the train
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed. Just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
Friday, September 09, 2005
Glad to meet you...
A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies, "I may be mistaken but I think you might be the father of one of my children".
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper on my stag night that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and jammed a cucumber up my ass?
"Umm, no", she replied, "I'm your son's English teacher"………………………
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies, "I may be mistaken but I think you might be the father of one of my children".
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper on my stag night that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and jammed a cucumber up my ass?
"Umm, no", she replied, "I'm your son's English teacher"………………………
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