Winter Sucks....

 

Caught

 

Cleanliness is Everything

Making a Baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

 

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

 

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

 

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

 

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

 

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

 

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

 

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

 

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

 

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

 

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

 

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

 

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

 

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

 

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

 

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

 

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

 

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

 

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

 

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

 

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

 

'Tripod?'

 

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'  

 
Mrs. Smith fainted

Christmas Cancelled.

Seen on an office wall:

"Christmas cancelled - Joseph confessed"

The Affair

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a pipe-wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed…."

Twin Peaks

 

Boys will be boys...

 

Short Skirts

 

Reasons why a gun is better than a woman

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you  try it out a few times.

 

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a  backup.

 

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

 

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

 

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

 

#3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

 

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

 

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman...

 

#1. You can buy a silencer for a gun.

A New Illness

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well . 
 
'What's the matter?' he asks.
 
'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.
 
'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'
 
'I just can't see my ass coming into work today.

How to Serve Chicken Wings

 

American Ads

 

Necro- what?

A man was brought before the judge and charged with NECROPHILIA (making love to a dead person)

The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the jail keys in the toilet?"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:

1. It's none of your damn business;
2. She was my wife; and.....
3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"
 
SO LADIES TRY TO MOVE A LITTLE DURING THE GAME.

GUYS, IF A LADY IS NOT MOVING, STOP IMMEDIATELY AND CHECK IF SHE IS ALIVE.

Bad Santa