Funny Toons

Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE".

"He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on,  you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

"You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

"After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

"Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

"Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

Who said Santa didn't have a sense of humor?

Dear Santa,

Please send me a baby brother.


Santa wrote back:

"Send me your mother..."

Drunken Perspective

Got home from the pub at three o'clock this morning and the missus was waiting at the door with a rolling pin.

I said, "What the f*** are you doing baking at this hour?"

An Inspirational Story

Recently, I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'

Then they said to me, 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.'

Then I thought ... Shoot. I could win this.

Santa on Trial

 

The Brave Soldier

A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, 'Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied,'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Iraq either'

Three Friends

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

 

The following week they met up again to compare notes.

 

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

 

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!'

 

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took along scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.

 

I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'

Ask Jeeves

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

 

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay with the others since several of his important clients were there.

 

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.

 

She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said, "take off my dress." He did this carefully. "Jeeves," she continued, "take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jeeves," she then said, "remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the
tension continued to mount.

 

She looked at him and then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

The Golfing Nun

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.  She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

 

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior.   "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

 

"It was," sighed the Sister.   "And I went to play golf with my brother.  We try to play golf as often as we can.   You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

 

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed..   "So, I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

 

"Far from it," snorted the Sister.   "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

 

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.   "You must tell me all about it!"

 

"Well, we were on the fifth tee .... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green ... and I hit the drive of my life.   I creamed it.   The sweetest swing I ever made.   And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted ... and it hits this bird in mid-flight !"

 

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother.   "How unfortunate!   But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

 

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister.   "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

 

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.

 

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister.   "And I was so proud of myself!   And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

 

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

 

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

 

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

 

"You missed the f-ing putt, didn't you?

40 Things Men Would Never Say

1. I'd like to take you out on a date but your tits are just too big for me.
2. Here honey, you use the remote for awhile.
3. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4. Sex isn't important, sometimes, I just want to be held.
5. We never talk anymore.
6. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
7. I'm sick of blow-jobs. How about if I just try to satisfy you for an hour?
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
9. I'd much rather watch Days of Our Lives than Bay Watch.
10. You are right and I was wrong.
11. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
12. No I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
13. Her tits are just too big.
14. Sometimes I just want to be held.
15. That chick on "20/20″ gives me a woody.
16. Sure! I'd LOVE to wear a condom.
17. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
18. Screw Monday Night Football; let's watch "Ally McBeal".
19. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
20. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons???
21. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
22. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
23. Great! Your mother's coming to stay with us again!
24. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed?. Maybe I should tell her.
25. No way! You weeded the garden last week. It's MY turn!
26. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don't look at them any more.
27. I understand.
28. This movie has way too much nudity.
29. Damn, we're late for church!
30. No! I don't want to see your sister's tits.
31. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
32. Put some panties on for Christ's sake.
33. Eat something!! You are starting to look like a Victoria's Secret model!!
34. Don't pick that up; I got it.
35. Happy Anniversary!!!
36. Hey, isn't today your mother's birthday??
37. Let's talk, I miss talking.
38. Gay men have rights, too!
39. I am just too tired to have sex again today!
40. Are you losing weight sweetie??

41 Things Wives Would Never Say

1. Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink?

 

2. Shouldn’t you be down at the bar with your buddies?

 

3. That was a great fart! Do another one!

 

4. I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

 

5. You’re so sexy when you’re hungover.

 

6. I’d rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

 

7. Let’s subscribe to Guns and Ammo.

 

8. I’ll be out painting the house.

 

9. I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

 

10. Honey..our new neighbor’s daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

 

11. No, No, I’ll take the car to have the oil changed.

 

12. Your mother is way better than mine.

 

13. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine’s Day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

 

14. I understand fully… our anniversary comes every year, you go hunting with the guys, it’s a wonderful stress reliever.

 

15. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don’t you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

 

16. What do you mean today’s our anniversary?

 

17. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.

 

18. Oh, this diamond is way too big!

 

19. And for our honeymoon we’re going fishing in Alaska!

 

20. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

 

21. Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.

 

22. Is that phone for me? Tell ‚em I’m not here.

 

23. I don’t care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.

 

24. That was fun! When will all of your friends be over to watch football again?

 

25. The new girl in my office is a dancer…I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

 

26. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal, they’ll still cover.

 

27. Hey Hon, pull my finger!

 

28. I'll serve you & your Friends finger snacks at your Poker game.

 

29. Go ahead you go fishing, I'll clean out the Garage.

 

30. Go shopping? Sorry I am just too tired.

 

31. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

 

32. I'm wrong, you must be right again.

 

33. You're so much smarter than my father.

 

34. Bar food again!?!?! Kick butt!

 

35. I liked that wedding even better than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

 

36. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think that I'll ever change it.

 

37. Dang, I love it when my pillow smells like your cigars!

 

38. That girl is wearing the same outfit that I am. Cool! I think I'll go over and talk to her.

 

39. It's only third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

 

40. Let's leave the toliet seat up all the time, that way you won't have to mess with it.

 

41. I love using this lawnmower more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's Day present.

Ten Phrases to Make Your Wife a Widow

1. Hey honey can your sister join us on the honeymoon?

2. We need to get you some of those implants.

3. You need to get my mom to teach you how to cook.

4. No dear, a gallon tub of ice cream is not a single serving.

5. Why aren't you as flexible as that ice skater?

6. Nah those don't make you look fat, but they do remind me of two hogs in a gunny sack. 

 

7. When you're done scrubbing the floor, come rub my back. 

8. I was just rubbing sunblock on her. 

 

9. You should really put on some make up. 

 

10. You need to do sit ups.

The Most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

Smiley at Wal-Mart

 

 

This is exactly why you should always twirl once in front of the mirror before leaving the house!!!!

Go Artillery

 

Beware when you are on a video conference...

Ole and Sven

Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics for Northwest Airlines in Minneapolis One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

 

Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"

 

Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I've hear you can drink dat yet fuel an get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"

 

They pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.

 

Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

 

The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?" 

 

Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you"

 

Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"

 

Ole says, "No dat yet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often."

 

Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."

 

Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"

 

Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"

 

Ole stopped to think. "No ."

 

"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Milvaukee!"

Perils of good Upbringing

As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for Mass, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.
Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.
Recalling my old pastor, Father Flook, who always admonished me to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,' I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out.....reach out and touch this person!'

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So I did.......

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I won't be at Mass this week

Never piss off a guy who owns a Backhoe

 

How to tell if you're going to jail

 

Sometimes...

Sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears.
Sometimes when you are worried, no one sees your pain.
Sometimes when you are happy, no one sees your smile.
But fart just one time...

Irish Jokes

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little shit, O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy.
'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.'

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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
'So,' says the cop to the driver, Where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk.
'For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks.
'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda.'
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.' '
I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
'How did it happen, Tim?'
'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.'
'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'

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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary? '
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!'

Irish Conversation

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, "Top o'the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs.Donovan,  how are ye these days?"

She replied,  "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer bloody candle."

A Passionate Encounter

I met this wonderful girl today, and we had so much in common. We both liked football, beer, pub food, and she even laughed at my offensive jokes. 

 
So, I took her back to my place and she sat me down and stripped totally naked.
 

And it was at this point I saw we had something else in common.

Quotes

 

Nothing left to live for

 

Funny Sign Boards

 

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning Marc returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.  

Although not familiar with the lake, Anne decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any  moment.  I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any  moment.  I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,'  says the  woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

Lord, They are finally together

Judy got married and had 13 children.

 

Her first husband,Ted,died of cancer.

 

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

 

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

 

Judy *again*, remarried,.... And this time, she & John had 5 more children.

 

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

 

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

 

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

 

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

 

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

 

Margaret replied:....

 

"I think he means her *legs*, Ethel...."

Unfortunate Choice of Photo

 

How to save Papayas from falling ?????!!

 

Holiday Planning

SNED and JMAX were talking one day about holidays.

 

JMAX says, "I think I'm just about ready to book my winter holidays again, but I'm going to do it differently this time. In the past, I've always taken your advice about where to go.  Three years ago, you said go to Italy.  I went to Italy and my wife got pregnant.

 

Two years ago, you told me to go to Bermuda, and my wife got pregnant again.  Last year, you suggested the Canary Isles, and as you know, she got pregnant again."

 

SNED asks, "So, what are you going to do different this year JMAX?"

 

"This year," replies JMAX, "I'm taking her with me."

Onions and Xmas Tree

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his Father, "Dad, how many Kinds of boobies are there?
 
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, three kinds of Breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like Pears, still nice but Hanging bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
 
"Onions?"
 
Yes, you see them and they make you cry"

Daughter said, "Mum, how Many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
 
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well Dear, a man goes Through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is Like an oak tree, Mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is A birch, flexible. But reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.
 
" A Christmas tree?" Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for Decoration only."

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