Golf of a Different Kind

That's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women. So Smith went to see Jones and asked him if he would teach him how to play.

Jones said, "Sure, you've got balls haven't you?"

Smith said, "Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they're kinda hard to find."

"Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow," Jones said, "and we will tee off."

"What's tee off," Smith asked?

Jones said, "It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."

"Not for me," Smith said, "you can tee off if you want to but I'll tee off out behind the barn, somewhere".

"No, no," Jones said, "a tee is a fine thing about the size of your little finger."

"Yeah, I've got one of those."

"Well," Jones said, "you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it."

Smith asked, "Do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around."

"You do," Jones said, "you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."

Well, Smith thought that was stretching things a little too far, and he said so!

Jones said, "You've got a bag, haven't you?"

"Sure," Smith said.

Jones said, "Your balls are in it, aren't they?"

"Of course," Smith told him.

"Well," Jones said, "can't you open the bag and take one out?"

Smith said, "I suppose I could, but damned if I'm going to."

Jones asked if he didn't have a zipper on his bag, but Smith told him no, he's the old fashioned type.

Then Jones asked if Smith knew how to hold his club. "Well," Smith said, "after fifty years I should have some sort of idea."

Jones said, "You take your club in both hands." Smith knew right then Jones didn't know what he was talking about. Then he said, "You swing it over your shoulder."

"No, no," Smith said, "that's not me, that's my brother you're thinking about."

Jones asked him, "How do you hold your club?" And before Smith thought he said, "In two fingers." Jones said that wasn't right and got behind him and put both arms around him and told him to bend over and he would show him how. He couldn't catch Smith there, because he didn't put four years in the Navy for nothing.

Jones said, "You hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar."

Smith said he could well imagine.

Then Jones said, "And when you're on the green"

"What's the green," Smith asked.

"That's where the hole is," Jones said, "surely you're not color blind."

"No," Smith said,

"Then you take your putter"--

"What's the putter," Smith asked.

"That's the smallest club made," Jones said.

"That's what I've got, a putter," Smith said.

"And with it," Jones said, "you put your ball in the hole."

Smith corrected, "You mean the putter?"

Jones said, "The ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter too."

"Well," Smith said, "I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon."

"Then," Jones said, "after you make the first hole, you go to the next seventeen."

Smith thought he wasn't thinking about him. After two holes he's shot to hell.

"You mean," Jones said, "you can't make eighteen holes in one day?"

"Hell no, it takes me eighteen days to make one hole, besides, how do I know when I'm in the eighteenth hole?" Smith asked.

Jones said the flag would go up.

Smith said - THAT WOULD BE JUST MY LUCK!