An Army Ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was stationed there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she wrote that she had slept with two guys while he has been gone, she wanted to break up and requested that he send back her picture.
The soldier did what any squared away soldier would do. He went around to all his buddies and collected all the unwanted photographs of women. He then mailed about twenty five of the pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."
Friday, October 21, 2005
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Cheeky questions in a not so cheeky place...
Some funny questions asked at times, mostly by women in a hardware store....
Old lady comes in, tells young female cashier up front she needs a screw, so female cashier walks her to back of store. Then female cashier standing behind lady says "Bill, this lady needs a screw. Can you help her?"
***
Lady says she needs a plug.
I say "male or female?"
She says "What's the difference?"
Me (blushing): "Well I'll just show you." (I show her male and female plug.)
Lady (now blushing too): "Oh I get it!"
***
That's funny. I work as a maintenance mechanic in an office building and I had a screwdriver and pliers on my belt. One of the secretary's
I guess wanted to borrow my screwdriver for a second so she says "Can I borrow your tool?"
I said "Which one?"
She says “The long one".
I said “Well, they're both long., so I'll give you both".
We both started laughing, as well as the other women in the office.
***
I was working at a factory up north and needed a small cardboard box to put some small parts in. as i went through an office area with my hands full of parts, a secretary asked what I needed. I said I wished I had a small box. She said "Me too!". I turned red and left the area. I was about 16 at the time; I would guess she was about 50.
***
There was a game my kids found on the bob the builder web site. I think it’s long gone. put the game involved putting together pieces of pipe before the water could run out the end of the pipe.
The lable for this game BOB LAYS PIPE AT WENDY'S.
***
As soon as I walked in the door of my local hardware store, the heavy female sales clerk says in a loud voice, "Can I help you find something?”
I said in an equally loud voice, "I want to see your nipples". She grinned and headed to the back with me.
***
An embarrassed girl quietly asked the checkout lady if they had more tampax in the warehouse, because the shelf was empty.
Much to the girl's horror, the checkout lady switched on a microphone and yelled to the warehouse clerk over the store's PA system, "Hey Charley, do you have a case of Tampax back there for this girl?"
The girl is now beet red, and wishing she was anywhere but in that store.
Meanwhile back in the warehouse, Charley was about 80 years old and couldn't hear very well. He thought she had asked for a case of "Tacks". He switched on his microphone and yelled back, "Do you mean the kind you push in with your thumb, or the kind you drive in with a hammer?"
***
A neighbor's daughter, just out of high school, got a job at a local factory.
When she got home that night when asked what the job consisted of she announced, "They pay me for screwing all day"
Old lady comes in, tells young female cashier up front she needs a screw, so female cashier walks her to back of store. Then female cashier standing behind lady says "Bill, this lady needs a screw. Can you help her?"
***
Lady says she needs a plug.
I say "male or female?"
She says "What's the difference?"
Me (blushing): "Well I'll just show you." (I show her male and female plug.)
Lady (now blushing too): "Oh I get it!"
***
That's funny. I work as a maintenance mechanic in an office building and I had a screwdriver and pliers on my belt. One of the secretary's
I guess wanted to borrow my screwdriver for a second so she says "Can I borrow your tool?"
I said "Which one?"
She says “The long one".
I said “Well, they're both long., so I'll give you both".
We both started laughing, as well as the other women in the office.
***
I was working at a factory up north and needed a small cardboard box to put some small parts in. as i went through an office area with my hands full of parts, a secretary asked what I needed. I said I wished I had a small box. She said "Me too!". I turned red and left the area. I was about 16 at the time; I would guess she was about 50.
***
There was a game my kids found on the bob the builder web site. I think it’s long gone. put the game involved putting together pieces of pipe before the water could run out the end of the pipe.
The lable for this game BOB LAYS PIPE AT WENDY'S.
***
As soon as I walked in the door of my local hardware store, the heavy female sales clerk says in a loud voice, "Can I help you find something?”
I said in an equally loud voice, "I want to see your nipples". She grinned and headed to the back with me.
***
An embarrassed girl quietly asked the checkout lady if they had more tampax in the warehouse, because the shelf was empty.
Much to the girl's horror, the checkout lady switched on a microphone and yelled to the warehouse clerk over the store's PA system, "Hey Charley, do you have a case of Tampax back there for this girl?"
The girl is now beet red, and wishing she was anywhere but in that store.
Meanwhile back in the warehouse, Charley was about 80 years old and couldn't hear very well. He thought she had asked for a case of "Tacks". He switched on his microphone and yelled back, "Do you mean the kind you push in with your thumb, or the kind you drive in with a hammer?"
***
A neighbor's daughter, just out of high school, got a job at a local factory.
When she got home that night when asked what the job consisted of she announced, "They pay me for screwing all day"
Monday, September 12, 2005
The Cowboy and the IRS Genie
A modern-day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie. "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS lawyer genie!"
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
POOF! The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
POOF! The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
POOF! He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie. "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS lawyer genie!"
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
POOF! The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
POOF! The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
POOF! He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
Who Wants to be a Millionaire -- Marriage Edition
A husband and wife are watching T.V. in bed -- "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" is on.
The husband turns to the wife and says, "Do you want to have sex?"
"Nope." the wife says, not even looking up.
The husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"
"That's my final answer," she agrees.
He says, "Then I'd like to phone a friend...."
The husband turns to the wife and says, "Do you want to have sex?"
"Nope." the wife says, not even looking up.
The husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"
"That's my final answer," she agrees.
He says, "Then I'd like to phone a friend...."
Suggested Rejections for Common Pick-Up Lines
Man: Haven't we met before?
Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.
Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: Female impersonator.
Man: So, wanna go back to my place?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: I'd really like to get into your pants.
Woman: No thanks. There's already one ass in there.
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet.
Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!
Woman: Yeah! To pick up some chicks!
Man: "Hi, I'm a millionaire!"
Woman: "Hi, I work for the IRS."
Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.
Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: Female impersonator.
Man: So, wanna go back to my place?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: I'd really like to get into your pants.
Woman: No thanks. There's already one ass in there.
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet.
Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!
Woman: Yeah! To pick up some chicks!
Man: "Hi, I'm a millionaire!"
Woman: "Hi, I work for the IRS."
Do you know
Why did God create man?
Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
Do you believe in ghosts?
A professor at a southern university was giving a lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
This time, 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further: Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, only Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Ghost? Oh.. from way back thar I thought you said Goats."
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
This time, 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further: Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, only Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Ghost? Oh.. from way back thar I thought you said Goats."
Searching for the wife
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence: I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter. I'd rather find yours."
The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence: I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter. I'd rather find yours."
Waiting for the train
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed. Just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
Friday, September 09, 2005
Glad to meet you...
A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies, "I may be mistaken but I think you might be the father of one of my children".
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper on my stag night that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and jammed a cucumber up my ass?
"Umm, no", she replied, "I'm your son's English teacher"………………………
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies, "I may be mistaken but I think you might be the father of one of my children".
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper on my stag night that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and jammed a cucumber up my ass?
"Umm, no", she replied, "I'm your son's English teacher"………………………
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Man of her dreams...
Dipti was in her late thirties and still not married. She had a hard time meeting men. And the men she did meet all ended up being jerks. Finally, she decided to place an ad in the personals in the newspaper.
Dipti wrote in the ad: "Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is excellent in bed."
Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call. Then, one day she was doing her laundry when she heard a knock on the door. She walked upstairs to answer it. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. "Can I help you?" Dipti asked.
He said, "I am the man of your dreams!"
Dipti was baffled. She said, "Excuse me."
"I read your personal ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms, so I can't beat you. I have no legs, so I can never leave you."
"But are you good in bed?" Dipti asked.
He replied, "How do you think I knocked on the door?!"
Dipti wrote in the ad: "Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is excellent in bed."
Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call. Then, one day she was doing her laundry when she heard a knock on the door. She walked upstairs to answer it. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. "Can I help you?" Dipti asked.
He said, "I am the man of your dreams!"
Dipti was baffled. She said, "Excuse me."
"I read your personal ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms, so I can't beat you. I have no legs, so I can never leave you."
"But are you good in bed?" Dipti asked.
He replied, "How do you think I knocked on the door?!"
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Working Hard
Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."
The Pharmacist
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!"
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!"
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Think Before You Speak
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are testimonies from few women who did...
First Testimoney:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
Second Testimoney:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
Third Testimoney:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Fourth Testimoney:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
Fifth Testimoney:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
Last Testimoney:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
First Testimoney:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
Second Testimoney:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
Third Testimoney:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Fourth Testimoney:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
Fifth Testimoney:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
Last Testimoney:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Microsoft Announces Contraceptive98
Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. "As we leave the geek market behind, we are finding more and more of our user base does, in fact, engage in actual personal contact with other human beings, and that this is increasing the incidence of sex in people who would otherwise be gaming online or at home alone. We want to make sure that if people feel the need to leave the computer for even a moment, Microsoft goes with them," said Sosha Lee M. Peard, spokeswoman for the software giant.
Microsoft considers itself to be a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the lonely housewife and "playuh" niches. While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.
OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scalable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, "It is now safe to turn off your partner."
DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. This product is particularly sensitive to power surges. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.
CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. For future releases, Microsoft plans to add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98's potential. "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what We've been doing to our customers for years," he said in a statement accompanying the release.
The adline..? - For tomorrow's edition -- Do Not Release Prematurely.
Microsoft considers itself to be a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the lonely housewife and "playuh" niches. While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.
OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scalable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, "It is now safe to turn off your partner."
DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. This product is particularly sensitive to power surges. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.
CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. For future releases, Microsoft plans to add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98's potential. "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what We've been doing to our customers for years," he said in a statement accompanying the release.
The adline..? - For tomorrow's edition -- Do Not Release Prematurely.
History Lesson
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a recently immigrated Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
" Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its' history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
" Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its' history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
And...drum roll... the Number One reason to go to work naked :
1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
And...drum roll... the Number One reason to go to work naked :
1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.
Things you can't say when you're drunk
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk:
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
Guess Who?
A man says to his blonde wife, "Guess what I heard at our favorite pub today? They were saying the milkman is having sex with every woman in our apartment building except one, but they are not sure who that one is."
And right a way she jumps up and says, "I know who it is, it's that stuck-up bitch Phyllis, in apartment 12."
And right a way she jumps up and says, "I know who it is, it's that stuck-up bitch Phyllis, in apartment 12."
The Aliens
The scientist and his research staff were interacting with the recently landed aliens to gain information about their lifestyle when the question of reproduction came up. Finding it difficult to understand the oral description, the head researcher said "Why not just demonstrate for us?"
The male alien then proceeded to intertwine his antennae with those of the female alien and after about 30 seconds of flying sparks a large sack begins to form on the female's back and two minutes later the sack breaks open and out pops a miniature alien.
"That is how we reproduce. How is it done here on earth?", asked the aliens.
The head scientist looks at his female assistant and says "In the interest of scientific interchange I think we should demonstrate, don't you?"
The assistant hesitantly agrees and afterwards the research scientist says "That's how we do it on earth."
After a few minutes the alien asks, "But where is the offspring?"
"Oh, the gestation period is about 270 earth days", answers the scientist.
"What!" exclaims the alien. "If you have to wait 270 earth days, then why were you in such a hurry at the end?"
The male alien then proceeded to intertwine his antennae with those of the female alien and after about 30 seconds of flying sparks a large sack begins to form on the female's back and two minutes later the sack breaks open and out pops a miniature alien.
"That is how we reproduce. How is it done here on earth?", asked the aliens.
The head scientist looks at his female assistant and says "In the interest of scientific interchange I think we should demonstrate, don't you?"
The assistant hesitantly agrees and afterwards the research scientist says "That's how we do it on earth."
After a few minutes the alien asks, "But where is the offspring?"
"Oh, the gestation period is about 270 earth days", answers the scientist.
"What!" exclaims the alien. "If you have to wait 270 earth days, then why were you in such a hurry at the end?"
Stranded
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
* Two Italian men and one Italian woman
* Two French men and one French woman
* Two German men and one German woman
* Two Greek men and one Greek woman
* Two English men and one English woman
* Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
* Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
* Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
* Two Irish men and one Irish woman
* Two American men and one American woman
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in ménage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/ restaurant/laundry and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a goshdarn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this godforsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
* Two Italian men and one Italian woman
* Two French men and one French woman
* Two German men and one German woman
* Two Greek men and one Greek woman
* Two English men and one English woman
* Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
* Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
* Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
* Two Irish men and one Irish woman
* Two American men and one American woman
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in ménage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/ restaurant/laundry and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a goshdarn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this godforsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Two Kids
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Two Parrots
A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi,we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to prayand read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding Bible and quietly praying in their cage.
The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots.
The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?" One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put those Bibles away,our prayers have been answered!"
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to prayand read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding Bible and quietly praying in their cage.
The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots.
The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?" One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put those Bibles away,our prayers have been answered!"
Pay Attention
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and licking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and licked on my index finger..... now learn to pay attention...".
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and licking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and licked on my index finger..... now learn to pay attention...".
Monday, July 25, 2005
The Layoff
An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.
He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hungover after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I’ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off, please? I have a terrible headache."
He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hungover after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I’ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off, please? I have a terrible headache."
Genesis
Junior asks his dad,
"Daddy, how was I born?"
His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"
"Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."
"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS.
Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'!"
"Daddy, how was I born?"
His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"
"Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."
"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS.
Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'!"
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Men are the real cause
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist
AND...
When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
It all makes sense now...
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist
AND...
When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
It all makes sense now...
Women Over 30
As we grow in age, we value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why...
* A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
* If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
* A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is,whatshe is, what she wants and from whom.
* Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
* Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
* Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
* A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.
* Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
* Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.
* Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+,, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
* A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
* If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
* A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is,whatshe is, what she wants and from whom.
* Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
* Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
* Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
* A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.
* Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
* Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.
* Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+,, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
From a Father's Journal....
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect my good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds. Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad.
Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse.
My motto: Wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night. So, I'll call out jovially, "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?" As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: When it comes to Sex, I AM THE BARRIER, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive). I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times). She asked me why I was being so hard on the boy? "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged. Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse.
My motto: Wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night. So, I'll call out jovially, "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?" As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: When it comes to Sex, I AM THE BARRIER, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive). I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times). She asked me why I was being so hard on the boy? "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged. Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus
Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:
The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails, and anything you wish to say must be written in the-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary. Now on to the story:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom she had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far...".
But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.
With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans.
The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steel novels!"
(Rebecca)
A**hole .
(Gary)
Bit*ch
(Rebecca)
F U - YOU NEANDERTHAL!
(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.
(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one
The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails, and anything you wish to say must be written in the-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary. Now on to the story:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom she had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far...".
But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.
With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans.
The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steel novels!"
(Rebecca)
A**hole .
(Gary)
Bit*ch
(Rebecca)
F U - YOU NEANDERTHAL!
(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.
(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one
Sardar's Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, a Sardarji and his wife decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the Sardarji went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Sardarji said to the doctor, "I may not be the sharpest, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the Sardarji went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Sardarji said to the doctor, "I may not be the sharpest, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the Sardarji went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
Three Admins
A Windows admin, Unix admin and a Mainframe admin each went to the Gents room.
The Windows admin washed his hands, then pulled out twelve paper towels and thoroughly dried both hands up to the wrists in two seconds flat.
The Unix admin took out one paper towel and very carefully, using every bit of dry towel, dried his hands perfectly in under one minute.
The Mainframe admin breezed through without stopping to wash his hands at all.
"Somewhere along the line" he said, "we learned not to pee on our fingers..."
You left off the ending!
Then a Hardware Engineer came in, went straight to the sink, washed, and THEN went to pee. When the others mentioned their confusion, he remarked, "Well, I was always taught to wash before handling sacred objects...."
The Windows admin washed his hands, then pulled out twelve paper towels and thoroughly dried both hands up to the wrists in two seconds flat.
The Unix admin took out one paper towel and very carefully, using every bit of dry towel, dried his hands perfectly in under one minute.
The Mainframe admin breezed through without stopping to wash his hands at all.
"Somewhere along the line" he said, "we learned not to pee on our fingers..."
You left off the ending!
Then a Hardware Engineer came in, went straight to the sink, washed, and THEN went to pee. When the others mentioned their confusion, he remarked, "Well, I was always taught to wash before handling sacred objects...."
Ten Commandments
A young pastor who normally rode a bike was walking despondently down the street when he came upon an older, more experienced pastor.
The older pastor could see his young friend was troubled deeply.
"What is bothering you my son?" he asked.
"Well it appears a member of my congregation has stolen my bike," he replied.
The elder said, "If I may give you some advice you might get your bike back. Next Sunday preach on the 10 Commandments, and when you get to 'Thou shall not steal', really emphasize it."
Well, the next week they met again and the young pastor was once again riding his bike.
"Well " said the older one, "I see my advice worked."
"Yes" the young pastor replied, "I took your advice and preached on the 10 Commandments, and when I got to 'Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I'd left my bike."
The older pastor could see his young friend was troubled deeply.
"What is bothering you my son?" he asked.
"Well it appears a member of my congregation has stolen my bike," he replied.
The elder said, "If I may give you some advice you might get your bike back. Next Sunday preach on the 10 Commandments, and when you get to 'Thou shall not steal', really emphasize it."
Well, the next week they met again and the young pastor was once again riding his bike.
"Well " said the older one, "I see my advice worked."
"Yes" the young pastor replied, "I took your advice and preached on the 10 Commandments, and when I got to 'Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I'd left my bike."
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Two Wishes
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Coming Home Hammered
A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.
One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.
“It’s getting late, big boy,” she says after a few minutes. “Why don’t we go upstairs to bed.”
“We might as well,” slurs the husband. “I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.”
One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.
“It’s getting late, big boy,” she says after a few minutes. “Why don’t we go upstairs to bed.”
“We might as well,” slurs the husband. “I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.”
Pig Farming
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant; if they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.
One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant; if they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.
One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
Monday, July 04, 2005
The Lift
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope. I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm almost 70 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast... He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says. "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?'
The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
The woman replies, "Nope. I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm almost 70 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast... He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says. "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?'
The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
The Pharmacist
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Never make a bet when you're drunk
A cajun walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three
tests?"
"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10, and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila. The whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, - There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, - There's a 90-year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things...."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up, and soon all the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping, and then.......silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three
tests?"
"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10, and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila. The whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, - There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, - There's a 90-year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things...."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up, and soon all the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping, and then.......silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?
Monday, April 25, 2005
10 Husbands And Still....
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Who The Hell Is He?
After a long night of making love this guy rolls over, was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the night stand by the bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" He said hoping to be reassured..
"No, no, no!!!" She said
"Well, who the hell is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" He said hoping to be reassured..
"No, no, no!!!" She said
"Well, who the hell is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."
Worst Email Addresses
Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an E-Mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, however:
So here is the TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses...
10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu
9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu
8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu
6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu
5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - beeranbj@myplace.com
4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu
3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu
2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com
and finally...
1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com
So here is the TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses...
10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu
9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu
8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu
6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu
5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - beeranbj@myplace.com
4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu
3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu
2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com
and finally...
1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com
Postman Pat's Last Day On The Job
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?"
"Well," said the blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'F**k him. Give him five bucks'".
She smiled shyly and said,
"The breakfast was my idea."
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?"
"Well," said the blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'F**k him. Give him five bucks'".
She smiled shyly and said,
"The breakfast was my idea."
Where did you have it?
Imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called ‘Mate Match’. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers ’Yes’, then he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Sydney listeners drop to their knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Fred."
DJ: "Fred, are you married or what?"
Fred: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Fred: "Sarah."
DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Fred?"
Fred: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Fred! Is she at work?"
Fred: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Fred: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Fred."
Fred: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Fred: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Fred: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Fred: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Fred. Where was it at?"
Fred: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Fred: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Fred."
Fred: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great? That’s more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Fred on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."
[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?"
(Touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinko’s."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Fred for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Fred knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. So, do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Sarah: (laughing) "Fred, what the hell are you up to?"
Fred: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Fred's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Fred....uh, this morning before Fred went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, FRED!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Fred: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the arse!"
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called ‘Mate Match’. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers ’Yes’, then he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Sydney listeners drop to their knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Fred."
DJ: "Fred, are you married or what?"
Fred: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Fred: "Sarah."
DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Fred?"
Fred: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Fred! Is she at work?"
Fred: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Fred: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Fred."
Fred: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Fred: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Fred: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Fred: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Fred. Where was it at?"
Fred: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Fred: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Fred."
Fred: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great? That’s more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Fred on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."
[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?"
(Touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinko’s."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Fred for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Fred knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. So, do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Sarah: (laughing) "Fred, what the hell are you up to?"
Fred: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Fred's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Fred....uh, this morning before Fred went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, FRED!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Fred: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the arse!"
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Know When to Quit
A guy with a 25-inch p*n*s went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with this anymore! It's too long."
The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you."
So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and you will find a female frog there. Ask her to marry you. She'll say "No", and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"
So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her,"Will you marry me?"
"No!", she said. He lost 5 inches off his member!
The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"
The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, God, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect.
So he asked again, "Will you marry me?"
And the frog said, "How many time do I have to tell you . .. NO! NO! NO!"
Moral: Know When to Quit
The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you."
So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and you will find a female frog there. Ask her to marry you. She'll say "No", and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"
So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her,"Will you marry me?"
"No!", she said. He lost 5 inches off his member!
The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"
The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, God, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect.
So he asked again, "Will you marry me?"
And the frog said, "How many time do I have to tell you . .. NO! NO! NO!"
Moral: Know When to Quit
Thursday, February 03, 2005
It's Rigged!
A gas station out in the boondocks was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".
Soon a local yokel pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The guy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close, the number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same guy, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The guy guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the guy said to his buddy, "Bubba, I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
Soon a local yokel pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The guy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close, the number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same guy, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The guy guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the guy said to his buddy, "Bubba, I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
Is this 597-7039?
"Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is your Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." Brief pause.
Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."
"Uh, OK then...." Daddy says, "... here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."
"OK, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well Mommy got all scared, jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell downstairs and she's not moving anymore."
"I'm sorry you had to see that, honey. What about 'Uncle Frank'?"
"He jumped out the back window into the swimming pool... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water for Winter, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either." Long pause.
Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 597-7039?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." Brief pause.
Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."
"Uh, OK then...." Daddy says, "... here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."
"OK, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well Mommy got all scared, jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell downstairs and she's not moving anymore."
"I'm sorry you had to see that, honey. What about 'Uncle Frank'?"
"He jumped out the back window into the swimming pool... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water for Winter, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either." Long pause.
Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 597-7039?"
Thursday, January 20, 2005
The Salesman Ladka
Ek bar ek showroom mein salesman ke liye interview ho rahe the. Ek ladka bhi interview dene ayaa. Ladke ko angrezi aati nahin thi, to usko manager - ne reject kar diya.
Ladke ne manager se kaha, "Aapko sale se matlab hona chahiye angrezi se kya? Aap mujhe chance dein, agar sale badh jaye to salary dena nahi to hata dena". Manager ko baat janch gayi. Ladke ko Naukari par rakh liya gaya.
Phir kya tha, doosare din se hi sale dugani, teesare din tiguni aurr daily sale badne lagi. Showroom ke malik ko pata laga, usne manager se kaha, is naye ladke se mujhe milna hai.
Malik showroom par aaya, usne dekha ladka ek customer ko fishing-rod bech raha tha. Woh door khada ho kar hi usko customer se deal karte dekhne lagaa.
Ladke ne fishing-rod bech di. customer ne kaha kitne rupaye, ladka bola Rs.800/-. Yeh kahkar ladke ne customer ke shoes dekhe aur bola, "Itne mehange shoes pahankar fishing karne jayenge? ek sport shoe bhi kharid lijiye", customer ne sport shoes bhi kharid liye.
Ab ladke ne kaha "Talaab kinare dhoop mein baithna padega, ek cap bhi kharid lijiye to theek rehega", customer ne cap bhi kharid li.
Ab ladke ne kaha, "Machli pakadne mein bahut intezar karna padega, kuchch - eatables, wafer , biscuits, bhi le jayiye", customer ne woh bhi kharid liye.
Ladka bola "Machli pakdenge to rakhenge kahan ? yeh ek Rs.100/- ki basket bhi le lijiye", customer ne woh bhi kharid li.
Ab total bill bana Rs.2000/- ka.
Malik bahut khush hua. Usne ladke ko bulaya aur kaha, "Tum to kamal ke salesman ho. Woh aadmi fishing rod kharidane ayaa tha aur tumane usey itna sara samaan bech diya, very good".
Ladka bola, "Woh aadmi to 'Carefree sanitary pack' khridane ayaa tha, maine kaha, 'Char din tu ghar par kya karega, Machli pakad'".
Ladke ne manager se kaha, "Aapko sale se matlab hona chahiye angrezi se kya? Aap mujhe chance dein, agar sale badh jaye to salary dena nahi to hata dena". Manager ko baat janch gayi. Ladke ko Naukari par rakh liya gaya.
Phir kya tha, doosare din se hi sale dugani, teesare din tiguni aurr daily sale badne lagi. Showroom ke malik ko pata laga, usne manager se kaha, is naye ladke se mujhe milna hai.
Malik showroom par aaya, usne dekha ladka ek customer ko fishing-rod bech raha tha. Woh door khada ho kar hi usko customer se deal karte dekhne lagaa.
Ladke ne fishing-rod bech di. customer ne kaha kitne rupaye, ladka bola Rs.800/-. Yeh kahkar ladke ne customer ke shoes dekhe aur bola, "Itne mehange shoes pahankar fishing karne jayenge? ek sport shoe bhi kharid lijiye", customer ne sport shoes bhi kharid liye.
Ab ladke ne kaha "Talaab kinare dhoop mein baithna padega, ek cap bhi kharid lijiye to theek rehega", customer ne cap bhi kharid li.
Ab ladke ne kaha, "Machli pakadne mein bahut intezar karna padega, kuchch - eatables, wafer , biscuits, bhi le jayiye", customer ne woh bhi kharid liye.
Ladka bola "Machli pakdenge to rakhenge kahan ? yeh ek Rs.100/- ki basket bhi le lijiye", customer ne woh bhi kharid li.
Ab total bill bana Rs.2000/- ka.
Malik bahut khush hua. Usne ladke ko bulaya aur kaha, "Tum to kamal ke salesman ho. Woh aadmi fishing rod kharidane ayaa tha aur tumane usey itna sara samaan bech diya, very good".
Ladka bola, "Woh aadmi to 'Carefree sanitary pack' khridane ayaa tha, maine kaha, 'Char din tu ghar par kya karega, Machli pakad'".
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Stressed and Lonely
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road . . . . . . having a Christmas party Friday night . . . . . . . thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great!” says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks! Thank you!"
As Lars is leaving, he stops, ”Gotta warn you . . . . . there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem!" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em!"
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, thanks again!"
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Whatever you want . . . . . . . just gonna be the two of us."
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road . . . . . . having a Christmas party Friday night . . . . . . . thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great!” says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks! Thank you!"
As Lars is leaving, he stops, ”Gotta warn you . . . . . there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem!" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em!"
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, thanks again!"
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Whatever you want . . . . . . . just gonna be the two of us."
Thursday, January 06, 2005
A Scientific 'Get-Together'
One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to try to get a cute coil to let him discharge.
He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride in his megacycle. They rode across Wheatstone bridge, around the sine wave and stopped in a magnetic field by a flowing current.....
Micro farad, attracted by Millie's characteristic curves, decided to engage in a little mutual inductance, and soon had her resistance at a minimum and his field fully excited.
He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her capacitance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it into her tank circuit, connecting them in parallel, and began to short circuit her shunt.
Fully excited, Millie Amp cried, 'MHO, MHO, it Hertz, but give me MHO'. With his tube operation at maximum amplitude, and her coil vibrating from the current flow, they soon reached plate saturation and found their cut-off point. The heavy current flow had gotten the anodes of her tubes hot and Micro farad was rapidly discharged and drained off every electron.
They fluxed all night, trying various connections and sockets until his bar magnet had lost all of its field strength and her grid was leaking.
Afterwards, Millie Amp tried self induction and damaged her solenoids. With his battery fully discharged and his contacts corroded, Micro farad was unable to excite his generator, so they ended by reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses.
He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride in his megacycle. They rode across Wheatstone bridge, around the sine wave and stopped in a magnetic field by a flowing current.....
Micro farad, attracted by Millie's characteristic curves, decided to engage in a little mutual inductance, and soon had her resistance at a minimum and his field fully excited.
He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her capacitance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it into her tank circuit, connecting them in parallel, and began to short circuit her shunt.
Fully excited, Millie Amp cried, 'MHO, MHO, it Hertz, but give me MHO'. With his tube operation at maximum amplitude, and her coil vibrating from the current flow, they soon reached plate saturation and found their cut-off point. The heavy current flow had gotten the anodes of her tubes hot and Micro farad was rapidly discharged and drained off every electron.
They fluxed all night, trying various connections and sockets until his bar magnet had lost all of its field strength and her grid was leaking.
Afterwards, Millie Amp tried self induction and damaged her solenoids. With his battery fully discharged and his contacts corroded, Micro farad was unable to excite his generator, so they ended by reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Three Men
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
Adlines
1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm her
21) If you really love her, wear a cover
22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown
31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
35) Cloak the joker before you poke her
36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
37) Cape your throbber before you bob her
38) After detection sheath your erection
39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser
41) Cover that lumber before you pump her
42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle then release your strudel
45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
47) Cage that snake then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
50) It's always funky to cage your monkey
51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb
53) It's not much money to catch your honey
54) Don't be a fool cover your tool
55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch
56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche
57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive
59) Contain that sputum before you use him
60) Restrain your log then plow her bog
61) Glove your pecker before you check her
62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her
63) Condomize then womanize (or sodomize)
64) Cover old pete then grind her meat
65) Guard your peter before you meet her
66) Check your list before you tryst
67) Wrap your bate before you mate
68) Can your worm before you squirm
69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard
71) Bag the mole then do her hole
72) Cuff your carrot before you share it
73) Jail your number then call the plumber
74) Cover your vein then drive her insane
75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink
77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern
78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry
79) Wrap that spout then bore her out
80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain
81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge >
82) Shroud your trout then make her shout
83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers
85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout
86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
87) Cover your steamer before you ream her
88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish
89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
91) Clothe the boner before you hone her
92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!
93) Cork your pump or you don't hump
94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs
95) Dress that erection to make a deflection
96) Contain that shanker before you spank her
97) Cap that seeder before you breed her
98) Stop the stream before you cream
99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder
100) Protect your screw to catch that glue
101) Package your meat for a real neat treat
102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun
103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her
104) Garage the tractor then attack her
105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her
106) Sock that wanger before you bang her
107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser
108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good
109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke
110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate
111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
113) Catch that goat before it bloats
114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen
115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her
116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk
117) Wrap that rod then please her bod
118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife
119) House that bottle then mash her throttle
120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash
121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
122) Can your knob then throb her swab
123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug
124) Cover your limb before you swim
125) Retain your bailer then impail her
126) Rope your dope then make some soap
127) Net your salamander then make salad in her
128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
131) Cover your stone before you bone
132) House your hose then curl her toes
133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass
134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch
135) Shield your rocks then pond her box
136) Cover old sly then do her dry
137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail
138) Glove your chimney before you come in me
139) If your nude tube your dude
140) Cloak your hitter then go split her
141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her
142) Can your spam then bam that mam
143) Corral your ram then slice her ham
144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver
145) Twist your wick then stick that prick
146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart
147) Shed old spot then do her slot
148) Drawer your pip then split her lips
149) Contain that leach then mash her peach
150) Bag your elm then take the helm
151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem
152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these
153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot
154) Survey your land then plant her stand
155) Before you drive her protect that diver
156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt
157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her
158) Cover you post then slice her roast
159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey
160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon
161) Contain that viper before you pipe her
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm her
21) If you really love her, wear a cover
22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown
31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
35) Cloak the joker before you poke her
36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
37) Cape your throbber before you bob her
38) After detection sheath your erection
39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser
41) Cover that lumber before you pump her
42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle then release your strudel
45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
47) Cage that snake then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
50) It's always funky to cage your monkey
51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb
53) It's not much money to catch your honey
54) Don't be a fool cover your tool
55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch
56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche
57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive
59) Contain that sputum before you use him
60) Restrain your log then plow her bog
61) Glove your pecker before you check her
62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her
63) Condomize then womanize (or sodomize)
64) Cover old pete then grind her meat
65) Guard your peter before you meet her
66) Check your list before you tryst
67) Wrap your bate before you mate
68) Can your worm before you squirm
69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard
71) Bag the mole then do her hole
72) Cuff your carrot before you share it
73) Jail your number then call the plumber
74) Cover your vein then drive her insane
75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink
77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern
78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry
79) Wrap that spout then bore her out
80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain
81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge >
82) Shroud your trout then make her shout
83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers
85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout
86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
87) Cover your steamer before you ream her
88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish
89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
91) Clothe the boner before you hone her
92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!
93) Cork your pump or you don't hump
94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs
95) Dress that erection to make a deflection
96) Contain that shanker before you spank her
97) Cap that seeder before you breed her
98) Stop the stream before you cream
99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder
100) Protect your screw to catch that glue
101) Package your meat for a real neat treat
102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun
103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her
104) Garage the tractor then attack her
105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her
106) Sock that wanger before you bang her
107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser
108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good
109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke
110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate
111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
113) Catch that goat before it bloats
114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen
115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her
116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk
117) Wrap that rod then please her bod
118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife
119) House that bottle then mash her throttle
120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash
121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
122) Can your knob then throb her swab
123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug
124) Cover your limb before you swim
125) Retain your bailer then impail her
126) Rope your dope then make some soap
127) Net your salamander then make salad in her
128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
131) Cover your stone before you bone
132) House your hose then curl her toes
133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass
134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch
135) Shield your rocks then pond her box
136) Cover old sly then do her dry
137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail
138) Glove your chimney before you come in me
139) If your nude tube your dude
140) Cloak your hitter then go split her
141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her
142) Can your spam then bam that mam
143) Corral your ram then slice her ham
144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver
145) Twist your wick then stick that prick
146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart
147) Shed old spot then do her slot
148) Drawer your pip then split her lips
149) Contain that leach then mash her peach
150) Bag your elm then take the helm
151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem
152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these
153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot
154) Survey your land then plant her stand
155) Before you drive her protect that diver
156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt
157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her
158) Cover you post then slice her roast
159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey
160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon
161) Contain that viper before you pipe her
Dog and the Mother-in-Law
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!"
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!"
The Sister-in-Law
True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
One Liners
Q. How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q. What's six inches long that women love?
A. Folding money.
Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.
Q. What is the new gay website address?
A. c : enter ### (see colon enter pound pound pound).
Q. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
A. Speed bumps.
Q. What's got four legs and one arm?
A. A Rottweiler.
Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
A. When you open her legs the lights go on.
Q. When does a cub become a boy scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie.
Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.
Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A. He was half nuts!!!
Q. What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
A. Collecting her thoughts.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q: What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
A: Odor eaters
Q: Why do men name their penis?
A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.
Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So men will talk to them.
Q: Why do only 30% of men get into Heaven?
A: If it were more, it would be Hell.
Q: What is the new gay website address?
A: c : enter # # #
Q: Why do men like big tits and tight pussy?
A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.
Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.
Q: Why don't women have any brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in.
Q: What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?
A: Her feet!
Q: What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist?
A: A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush.
Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.
Q: Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
A: So he could run his fingers through his hair.
Q: Whats the difference between a microwave and a woman.
A: A microwave doesn't scream when you put a piece of meat in it.
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.
Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A: They're hiring.
Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A: Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying, "Yo".
Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp.
Q: Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?
A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A: A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.
Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.
Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.
Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q. What's six inches long that women love?
A. Folding money.
Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.
Q. What is the new gay website address?
A. c : enter ### (see colon enter pound pound pound).
Q. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
A. Speed bumps.
Q. What's got four legs and one arm?
A. A Rottweiler.
Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
A. When you open her legs the lights go on.
Q. When does a cub become a boy scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie.
Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.
Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A. He was half nuts!!!
Q. What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
A. Collecting her thoughts.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q: What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
A: Odor eaters
Q: Why do men name their penis?
A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.
Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So men will talk to them.
Q: Why do only 30% of men get into Heaven?
A: If it were more, it would be Hell.
Q: What is the new gay website address?
A: c : enter # # #
Q: Why do men like big tits and tight pussy?
A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.
Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.
Q: Why don't women have any brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in.
Q: What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?
A: Her feet!
Q: What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist?
A: A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush.
Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.
Q: Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
A: So he could run his fingers through his hair.
Q: Whats the difference between a microwave and a woman.
A: A microwave doesn't scream when you put a piece of meat in it.
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.
Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A: They're hiring.
Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A: Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying, "Yo".
Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp.
Q: Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?
A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A: A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.
Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.
Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.
Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
The Farmer
There were two farmers on a farm. One farmer was sitting in the kitchen when the other one came in from the barn with a glass of white liquid. He was so excited because he had just milked a cow. Then he took a big drink from the glass.
The other farmer just stared at him and said, 'We don't have a cow, we have a bull.'
The other farmer just stared at him and said, 'We don't have a cow, we have a bull.'
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Chocolate Ice Cream
A man walks into the local ice cream parlor and tells the attendant he wants a gallon of vanilla, a gallon of strawberry and a gallon of chocolate ice cream.
"Sorry" says the attendant, "we're all out of chocolate ice cream."
"In that case" says the man, "I'll have a pint of vanilla, a pint of strawberry and a pint of chocolate."
"I told you we don't have any chocolate ice cream, buddy" says the attendant, becoming slightly annoyed.
"OK, in that case" says the man, "I'll have a scoop of vanilla, a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate."
"Look, mister, what does the V-A-N in vanilla spell?"
"Van" he replies, "But what does that have to do with ice cream?"
"Never mind, what does the S-T-R-A-W in strawberry spell?"
"Straw" he answers, "But I still don't understand what this has got to do with my getting the ice cream I want?"
"What does the F-U-C-K in chocolate spell?" asks the attendant.
"Wait a minute" says the man, "there's no fuck in chocolate!"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you - there's no fuckin' chocolate dick brain, now get out of my store."
"Sorry" says the attendant, "we're all out of chocolate ice cream."
"In that case" says the man, "I'll have a pint of vanilla, a pint of strawberry and a pint of chocolate."
"I told you we don't have any chocolate ice cream, buddy" says the attendant, becoming slightly annoyed.
"OK, in that case" says the man, "I'll have a scoop of vanilla, a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate."
"Look, mister, what does the V-A-N in vanilla spell?"
"Van" he replies, "But what does that have to do with ice cream?"
"Never mind, what does the S-T-R-A-W in strawberry spell?"
"Straw" he answers, "But I still don't understand what this has got to do with my getting the ice cream I want?"
"What does the F-U-C-K in chocolate spell?" asks the attendant.
"Wait a minute" says the man, "there's no fuck in chocolate!"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you - there's no fuckin' chocolate dick brain, now get out of my store."
Men in the John
EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips his shorts.
SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.
CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later.
INDIFFERENT: All urinals being in use, he pisses in the sink.
CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor.
WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes a quick inspection.
FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out his tie, pisses in his pants.
CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows the man in the next stall will get blamed.
PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
DESPERATE: Waits in a long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, and then does both.
FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses on shoes.
LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
DISGRUNTED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
CONCEITED: Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.
SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.
CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later.
INDIFFERENT: All urinals being in use, he pisses in the sink.
CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor.
WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes a quick inspection.
FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out his tie, pisses in his pants.
CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows the man in the next stall will get blamed.
PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
DESPERATE: Waits in a long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, and then does both.
FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses on shoes.
LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
DISGRUNTED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
CONCEITED: Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.
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